


Fuck 'Em - Wolfstar Oneshots

by DerpyMcMerky



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, First Kiss, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gay, M/M, Marauders, Marauders era, Pining, oneshots, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-11
Updated: 2021-01-21
Packaged: 2021-03-15 17:35:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 26
Words: 47,365
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28692594
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DerpyMcMerky/pseuds/DerpyMcMerky
Summary: Wolfstar! That's it. With a fat helping of jily.They get better as you go, I've written these over several months. And they're all unconnected unless stated.General warnings:Theft, underage drinking, underage smoking/drug usage, internalized homophobia, talk about sex a lot, swearing(will add as I go if needed, and there will be TWs and CWs at the beginning of each one shot, if it needs one!"Enjoy!! x
Relationships: Sirius Black & Remus Lupin, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 11
Kudos: 42





	1. Fuck 'Em!

**Author's Note:**

> i realised the first one shot didn't have an a/n and i wanted to add one as a little welcome to my one shots! welcome!! hello! they're all wolfstar (duh), and riddled with my fave headcanons, horrible sense of humour(lol i hope its not that bad), and, i hope, lots of british-like quirks(im british)! i hope you enjoy!!! and without further ado, le onshots! x

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw: underage drinking, stealing and mentions of family abuse

_Moony,_

_He didn't go into details, but I know something terrible happened to Padfoot. His parents, obviously. He's staying at mine now, but still seems very off. I think he's in shock. But he's very adamant on gallivanting around Muggle London and going crazy. I think something's come over him like he wants to do everything imaginable to spite those dickheads. So, since I know squat about Muggle anything, we're taking you with us! We'll be outside yours at 8 pm sharp tonight! Don't fall asleep and don't mention family stuff._

_From,_  
_Prongs_

_Ps, sorry about the short notice, I think waiting will make things worse._

James' letter arrived in the mid-afternoon, giving Remus a good few hours to worry about Sirius. He read and re-read the letter, sat at the kitchen table, as his mind came up with increasingly horrifying things that could've and, God forbid, actually happened to Sirius. Remus couldn't concentrate on anything for the rest of the day, he was so concerned. He frequented the kitchen, opening the fridge and biscuit tin without actually taking any food. He wanted to read but ended up skimming the same paragraph over and over because Sirius swamped his thoughts.

Remus was lying, face down, in the living room, when there was a sudden knock at the door. It was as if a Sirius sized weight was lifted off his shoulders when they were face to face because he didn't look scarred or traumatised. Quite the opposite actually, Sirius was grinning widely, and he looked excited.

"Moony!" Sirius beamed, bouncing on the balls of his feet. He dashed and gave him a bone-crushing hug.

James wasn't as excited, London wasn't his cup of tea, but he was still grinning. "Hi, Moony."

"Hey, guys. Ready to go?"

They nodded. Remus shouted a goodbye to his parents as his front door shut behind them. On their walk to the train station, Sirius wouldn't shut up and seemed incapable of walking in a straight line.

"This is going to be the best night of our lives!" Sirius kept shouting.

To which James would reply, "I need a drink!"

So, the trio made a pit-stop at an off-licence, a few streets away from the station. None of them had any muggle money on them. Not even Remus, (who often had muggle money) he was skint. He didn't want to disappoint, so instructed Sirius and James to wait outside, "You're not so discreet," and came out a couple of minutes later with three cans of beers and a chocolate bar.

"What's this drivel?" James squirmed, snatching the can.

"Beer. The night is young, boys. Let's not get too carried away," Remus said, handing Sirius his beer.

Sirius cracked his open, threw his head back and took a few massive gulps. "Fantastic!"

Getting on the train wasn't too tricky. They took an entrance, which Remus knew had no security, and jumped over the barriers.

"I hate this." James sulked. "Why can't we just buy train tickets? Or better, why didn't dad apparate us?"

"We're muggles now, Prongs! Muggles don't apparate." Sirius announced.

"Muggles pay for their train tickets."

When he finished his beer, James had cheered up. They were on the train by then. It was hot and stuffy. Not too busy, but there were enough people around that they had to watch what they said. Sirius didn't pay any mind to the muggles who gave him weird looks when, at every platform, he would shout, "Is this one ours?" or "Are we getting off here, Moony?" like a child. Remus didn't mind, telling him no through his mouthfuls of the chocolate he nicked. Until they were at Tottenham Court Road.

"This has got to be it." Sirius sighed.

"Bingo! C'mon, don't fall into the tracks."

Sirius leapt up, leaving behind his empty can, he followed Remus off the train. When they were back overground, he was looking around in awe. It wasn't dark yet, but many bars and shops had neon lights flashing and changing colours. The streets were packed with muggles, many weighed down by shopping bags or, like James, Sirius and Remus had treated themselves to a beer.

"Where to?" Remus asked, watching Sirius gawk.

"That way!" Sirius pointed dead ahead. At a street lined with more shops and lights.

"That way it is!" James chorused.

And so they set off. Remus hadn't known what 'going crazy' meant coming from Sirius (it could be anything) but he got an idea when something sparked Sirius' interest. They were walking down that same street, Sirius and James equally intrigued by every building they passed when they stopped. Their noses were touching the glass of the windows of a very garish shopfront. Bright graffiti was sprayed on the walls next to it, a few drops on the glass itself. A bright neon strip illuminated it, covering their faces in a blue and orange glow. A bold red sign above them read 'TATTOO'.

"Let's go in there," Sirius said. His voice had gone soft and dreamy.

"Sirius, do you even know what a tattoo is?" Remus asked, looking the building up and down. It gave him a bad feeling.

"I do now!" He pointed through the glass at pictures and posters of what Remus assumed were previous customers. "I need one..." His voice was still dreamy.

"Then one you shall receive!" James perked up. Remus glared at him. "Aw, c'mon, Moony. You're so boring. What's life without a little fun?"

Remus still hadn't told them that he had zero money (and wasn't about to admit to stealing those beers) so he sighed and nodded. "Fine. But only because I'm not boring."

Sirius hugged him in delight. "That's the spirit!" He sprung back, gasping. "Let's get matching ones!"

Sirius spent at least half a bloody hour deciding what he wanted to be tattooed. He and James were flipping through a book of ideas in the lobby, whilst also scribbling on a blank piece of paper anything original they could think of. They were whispering, but Remus could hear every word (one perk of being a werewolf). However, he chose not to listen. They were whispering for a reason, after all.

Remus was sitting opposite them, on a very uncomfortable, tattering red leather couch, when, "Fuck! That's it! That's what this whole thing is about! Fuck them!" Sirius almost hissed. Remus assumed 'they' were Sirius' parents.

"Perfecto!" James raised his voice again. "I know just where to put it!" He looked mischievously at Remus.

"No! No way! I'm not getting that anywhere!"

"Boring."

They were in that shop for so long that it was now dark outside. Remus was tempted to let them tattoo something on him just to have something to do. But James and Sirius wanted them identical. Same words in the same place. And a massive 'FUCK 'EM!' on his inner lip wasn't at all appealing. He wasn't tipsy despite the beer (another werewolf perk) however, both Sirius and James were. So they thought it was ingenious.

More than an hour and a few tears later, both Sirius and James were done. Remus had left them alone and went exploring on his own until he wandered a bit too far and almost got lost. He arrived back just before they should've been paying. Remus watched them through the window, waiting at the till. The tattoo artist wasn't anywhere to be seen. Remus banged on the glass aggressively, taking their chance.

"Oi! Guys!" Remus shouted.

They looked up and around before noticing Remus. Their lips looked slightly swollen, but Sirius' looked worse. They waved, innocently.

"No! Get your arses out here!"

Slightly bewildered, they met him outside.

"What? You can't even come in now?" James narrowed his eyes.

"We're leaving."

"Lupin, what are you talking about? We need to pay!"

"Boring! Where's the risk, Potter?" Remus mocked. James sighed.

"Excellent!" Sirius tried to grin, but his swollen lips struggled.

So they ran. Well, Sirius and James did. Remus wasn't a runner, but he tried to keep up as best he could. They ran down an alley and onto another busy, lit-up street. They continued running for good measure, down similar streets until they were certain that they'd put enough distance between themselves and the tattoo shop.

They stopped at the start of a street chock-a-block with clubs and bars. Remus was bent over, hands on his knees as he panted heavily. Drunken shouts echoed around them, hurting Remus' head. He could smell the alcohol as well. The pungency made him want to throw up. He straightened back up and noticed that Sirius (and James) were in awe of the surrounding muggles.

"Let's see your tattoos then," Remus said, breaking the silence.

Sirius and James made a scene of pulling down their bottom lips and showing them to Remus. He thought they were stupid, but if they were enough to distract Sirius, then he would play along. The slightly goofy, slightly drunk smirk on Sirius' face was still unbelievably gorgeous. Even with a wonky 'FUCK 'EM!' on the inside of his lip.

Suddenly, Sirius let go of his lip and turned back to face the busy muggle street. "Let's go to a bar!"

"We're not old enough."

"Let's get hammered in a park!"

"Yeah!"

And so Remus expertly stole some more alcohol on their way to a nearby park. Remus was sceptical about their drinking with the new tattoos but Sirius wanted to get hammered so hammered they would get. The park in question was barren apart from a gazebo, some trees and a bench or two. James downed a bottle and a half before passing out on a bench (almost falling face-first onto the hard concrete). Remus and Sirius pushed him out of the way and sat on the bench beside him. Sirius was draining the bottle James started as Remus cracked open a fresh one.

The crescent moon was directly above them. It was the only light aside from a flickering street lamp. Remus stared up at the moon with a mix of resentment and peace. Sirius was as well, but his head lolled back out of drunkenness as it rested on the back of the bench.

"It's so ... beautiful..."

Remus turned to look at him. His lip was more swollen and his grin was a borderline grimace. Even so, he took the time to examine Sirius' beauty, "Yeah. It is."

"Y'know, Moony... I didn't tell you why we're here." Sirius' head rolled to the side, looking up at Remus. "My parents - fuckin' dick'eads - used the cru-she-atus. Fuckin' hurt."

Remus looked past the drunken look in Sirius' eyes and could see the pure, unfiltered pain. "I'm sorry. I wish we helped sooner."

"Pshh, I'm fine! Better even! Staying with Jimbo now, aren't I?" He ruffled James' hair. He paused in deep thought. "But there's something else."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. They found something out... Oopsies." Sirius was now struggling to keep his eyes open.

"Are you OK?"

Sirius shrugged. "Think I scarred Reggie. He's the one who told them."

Remus said nothing, allowing Sirius to continue.

"He found some..." Sirius let out a snotty snort. "... porn mags."

"He's fifteen, how's that scarring?"

Sirius paused and stayed looking into Remus' eyes. Like he was searching for his reaction. Remus could see the fear behind the dopey drunkenness increasing. By then, it was full-blown terror, like Remus had transformed and was about to bite him.

"I ... have to tell you something..." He took a long swig of liquid courage. "... I'm gay..."

Remus took a swig respectively. "Me too."

Sirius' dopey smirk turned into a bright smile. "Wow... isn't this something?"

Remus laughed loudly, "So your brother found gay porn mags in your room?"

"Yep. Then ran to dear ol' dad." Sirius laughed back. "I barely survived..."

"Sorry."

"Don't be. At least I'm here with you. And Jimbo... Wow, you're unlucky. Gay werewolf."

"Gay Black."

"Dick'ead..." Sirius' smile faltered. For a moment he was thinking, which Remus found quite uncomfortable when he stared at him like that. Sirius smirked before, "Kiss me."

"No."

Sirius frowned,

"Why not?"

"You're drunk."

"Fine." Sirius moved James even more out of the way so he could curl up on the bench. He snuggled into Remus' side and Remus draped a lanky arm around him. Sirius smelt of booze and his usual wet dog, and he was very warm as his eyelids began drooping. Remus looked down at him and a swarm of butterflies filled his stomach at the sight of Sirius' squished, sleepy face.

"We should head home... Sirius?" But Sirius was asleep. Soft snores, from both James and Sirius, filled the silence. And Remus stayed awake, head on Sirius', waiting for morning to come so they could get the train home. 


	2. Under the stars

Remus was up at the Astronomy tower, watching the clear sky, his legs dangling off the edge. His feet were going numb, and he couldn't feel his toes or fingertips. A chocolate bar wrapper was in his clenched fist and smeared around his mouth was the chocolate in question. He was licking it off, but his tongue couldn't get it all.

He had tried to sleep, but he couldn't. Restless because it was almost the full moon. So he came up here to clear his head. It made a nice change from Pete's snoring and both Sirius and James' stupid 3 am shower thoughts. Even though it was practically freezing, Remus couldn't feel the cold. He hadn't even realised it was cold until he saw the cloud of his breath.

He sat still, not doing anything except watching the odd cloud float past until suddenly, the door to the astronomy tower creaked. Remus whipped around, suspecting it to be a teacher, but he sighed in relief when he saw Sirius grinning in the doorway.

"I thought you'd be here." He said, trying to close the door but there was something in the way. He shrugged and joined Remus.

Remus smiled, stuffing the chocolate wrapper in his pocket. Sirius noticed, then his eyes flicked to his lips.

"You've got chocolate around your mouth, Moons." Sirius laughed, pointing to a corner of Remus' mouth.

Remus turned his head away from him as quickly as he could, dabbing his mouth furiously with his sleeve. "I thought I'd got it all." He said, embarrassed. Turning back to face Sirius, he asked, "Did I get it?"

"All gone."

They fell into a peaceful silence, and Remus looked back up at the sky. Unlike back home, the sky was always clear at Hogwarts. In London, there were too many clouds. You could never see the stars as well as this.

"Which one is Sirius?" Remus asked. He looked from the sky to Sirius and then back to the sky again.

Sirius scanned the sky in deep thought. He looked it over for a while before, "That one." He pointed up. "I always thought it was named after me when I was little. That's what I would tell Reg."

"Which one? I can't tell, there's too many."

"That one! The one I'm pointing at!"

"You're pointing at about seven!"

"Moony," Sirius grabbed Remus' arm out of mock frustration. He guided it to where he was pointing before. "There!"

Now Remus could see it. It was far, far brighter than the ones around it. "I see it."

"Course you do. It's the brightest."

Sirius was still holding onto Remus' arm and, when he realised, went incredibly red before dropping his hand into his lap. Their faces were inches apart, but Remus was still staring at the Sirius in the sky. He suddenly looked at the Sirius next to him, grinning widely.

"I wish I had a star."

"It's not - well - mine, is it? Really?" Sirius went red again, suddenly flustered.

"You know what I mean."

Remus suddenly realised their closeness, and so he took a deep breath, taking in Sirius' smell. They stayed, gazing into each other's eyes, for longer than either of them would admit. Remus' smile didn't waver.

"Why are you up here?" Sirius whispered, breathy like he had a blocked nose.

"Couldn't sleep... Why'd you follow me?"

"I was worried about you."

They fell into another silence, gazing at one another. Noses almost touching. Eyes closed. Sirius could smell the chocolate on Remus' breath...

 _SMASH_.

They jumped apart, turning to face the door. No one was there, but a large, decorative pot had smashed and was in large pieces on the floor.

"What was that?" Remus whispered.

"Who's there!" Sirius jumped up, wand out. "Show yourself, coward!"

Besides the broken pot, the air rippled, revealing a sheepish, red-faced James Potter, half covered by the invisibility cloak. "Hiya, guys..."

"James! Were you... _spying_ _on_ _us?_ "

"NO! Well... I didn't mean to!" Sirius gave him a disbelieving look. "I didn't! I just woke up, and you were leaving without telling me, so I followed you because I thought you were planning something without me! Then when you weren't I didn't know how to leave..."

James looked from Sirius to Remus back to Sirius. It started with a snicker. Then a chuckle. Until they were all laughing their heads off. Sirius sat back down as James folded up his cloak and dusted the cracked pot off of his pyjama bottoms.

"I'm really sorry, guys,"

"Don't worry about it. Just save the stalking for Evans, alright?"

James laughed again, this time going red, like the hair of Lily Evans herself. "Will do." 


	3. brethren

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tw: mention of abortion and gender stuff. Not too harsh but stay safe! also, a/n at the end if you want a spolier of the au 👀

The marauders were in their room, each avoiding their homework. Peter and James were in a heated Exploding Snap tournament, Remus was reading a very old Muggle book whilst Sirius was hugging the toilet bowl, puking his guts out.

"Eugh. Do you have to vomit so loud, Pads?" James squirmed, fake gagging.

"Shut up." Remus hissed. "Are you OK, Sirius?"

An unenthusiastic grunt replied.

"Do you want to go to Poppy? I'm sure she'll have something."

Suddenly the bathroom door unlocked, and a sickly, green-looking Sirius emerged. He had sick on the cuffs of his shirt, presumably from where he wiped his mouth, and he shook his head slowly.

"I'm fine."

Remus watched as he got changed. He was taking his time as if both his arms were broken and he didn't want to cause any more pain.

"Are you sure you're alright? You look ..." James looked him up and down. "... Shite. No offence, mate."

Sirius said nothing, just sent James a very dirty look. James held up his hands in mock surrender before a card exploded.

"And that's a win for me! Well, hand em over, Wormy."

Peter sighed and handed James a mountain of chocolate frogs.

"Sweet victory!"

Sirius' didn't have a small stomach bug, because his unexplained vomiting lasted days. He unexpectedly dashed out of classes, usually not making it to the bathroom in time, and was often found wallowing by a vomit pile in random corridors. Although, on the bright side, he did accidentally on purpose puke on Snivillus' shoes. But when push came to shove, he knew something was wrong. So with Remus' constant persuasion, he went to Pomfrey. And what he found out was close to scarring. No, scarring was an understatement. It was life- endingly horrific.

~

James was strolling back up to the dorms, bouncing up the stairs, skipping every other one. He and Lily were finally getting along, so he was returning from the library (what a shocker!) where he was revising with Evans herself. Now, he was popping back upstairs for his quidditch robes. A little late afternoon flying wouldn't hurt.

He was whistling a jaunty tune as he entered the dorms. But, at the sight of Sirius, stopped like a broken record. His worries about Evans and quidditch dissipated as he barged in on Sirius sat on his bed, head bent, body shaking with sobs. James had only ever seen him cry like that when it came to family stuff, so he expected the worst.

"Sirius?"

Sirius' head snapped up, his swollen, red eyes met James' and he could tell that he didn't expect any visitors. His fingers were trembling.

"What happened?"

James took small, tentative steps forward, sitting next to his brother. Sirius kept his head bent, scrunching his eyes tightly to stop more tears from falling. He hated when people saw him cry. Especially James.

"I - there's - something happened..."

"You're not hurt, are you? You're mum -"

"No. I'm fine..."

"Did... did you go to Poppy?"

"Yes."

"And?"

Sirius didn't reply, just let out the sob he was holding in. Suddenly wrapping his arms around James and crying into his shoulder. How did he let it come to this? Moony would be infuriated. He knew James would be grossed out even if he didn't admit it. He thought they were being responsible. That it was impossible.

"Take your time, mate. I'll always be here." James wrapped his arms around Sirius in return.

"It's - bad. Really terrible, actually." Sirius sniffed. His heart was racing. He could feel his pulse in his head. "I - please don't hate me."

"Never."

"I was pregnant."

James let out a hoot of laughter. He was cackling with glee. Until he realised Sirius wasn't laughing with him. He looked into Sirius' eyes, which was a challenge because he was eyeballing the ground. He wasn't laughing. He wasn't joking. Not even smiling; His face remained splodged with tears and overcome with sorrow.

"You're... serious? I don't understand. This isn't a wired animagus wolf thing because I can't -"

"No. It's not."

James relaxed. "Good. What is it then?"

"We'll always be brothers. Always." Sirius suddenly said.

"Yes, Sirius, always." James sounded almost bored. As if to say 'get on with it already!'

"I'm - I'm trans. I'm transgender."

James, still confused, let out an insensitive snort. "What, you want to be girl? I thought that was us joking about the gay thing."

"No... I was born a girl, but I am a boy."

"Oh..."

Sirius regretted saying anything. He felt James shuffle his arms that were still wrapped around him. He felt James scrutinising him, as if he was looking for evidence.

"Oh?"

"That's cool, I guess."

"No, it's not."

"Yeah, it is. You're the coolest person I know. Well, besides myself. Which makes that cool as well."

Sirius let out another sob. This one was a happy one, but James couldn't tell the difference, so squeezed him harder.

"So... What are you going to do now?"

"Nothing."

James was slightly taken aback. He lowered his voice in to a hissed whisper, even though they were still very much alone. "You're keeping it?"

"I already got rid of it." He looked up into James' eyes. "I can't raise a kid, who do you think I am? And, Moony hates them. What did you expect me to do?"

James stayed quiet before, "Did you at least tell him?"

Sirius didn't reply. He looked back at his hands, heart racing again.

"Sirius! You have to!"

"No, I don't. I can't have him know. I told him we didn't need to worry. He'll think I lied... I can't tell him."

James was very skeptical. "I think he'd like to know." He said.

Sirius picked at his fingernails, shrugging. They said nothing for a while. James didn't know what to. He felt like a stranger was sitting beside him all of a sudden. Like the Sirius from just a week ago had died, and that this was the shoddy replacement. A broken second thought.

"I'll try and talk to him. Just promise you won't."

James sighed. "Of course I won't."

They stayed silent again.

"Sirius?"

He looked up.

"Thank you for telling me."

"Thanks for understanding."

James squeezed his shoulders. "Love you."

"Love you too."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trans! Sirius Au to join in on the unanimous fuk u to jk rowling <3


	4. not very a-WEAR

It was warm and cosy in the Gryffindor common room, the fire crackling and window shutters closed. Remus had finished his work. So was curled up in the squishy armchair, a book in his lap. Occasionally, he reached to the low coffee table to take a sip of his tea. Around the coffee table was the rest of the Marauders, still head-bent over their homework. They were leaving him alone, surprisingly, and the sight of the three of them in peaceful silence was strangely unnerving.

"Hiya, Remus," said a cheery voice. Remus looked up and smiled.

"Hi, Marls."

Marlene was standing in front of him, a thick book in her arms with her long blond hair pushed out of her face.

"I _desperately_ need your help."

"Sure, what is it?"

"I think our Care of Magical Creatures Essay is going to be the death of me. I don't understand werewolves at all, and you're the best in our class. Could you help?"

Remus tensed visibly, although Marlene seemed to not notice. The other Marauders were sucked out of their work, their ears pricking up like a pack of dogs.

They were studying XXXXX rated creatures in class that term, that week being werewolves. Remus thought there would be nothing worse than writing an intricate essay on how to identify, hunt and kill him, but teaching Marlene how to identify, hunt and kill him was much, much worse.

"Remus?"

"Sorry, I can't," Remus said, feebly. His mind was racing for an excuse.

"Why not?"

"I ... I..."

"He has a date."

Marlene turned and looked down at Sirius, before smirking and looking back to Remus.

"Remus!" She wriggled her eyebrows. "Who's the lucky lady?"

"Wouldn't you like to know, Mckinnon."

"I'll leave you to it, then. Have fun! I'll try and ask Mary." Marlene smiled, waved, and left the room. As soon as the portrait swung closed behind her, Peter, James and Sirius burst out laughing.

"Shut up, you twats."

"Oi! I just saved you!"

"Barely. Marlene will write that stupid essay with or without my help."

"I can't believe Kettleburn!" James suddenly said. "Making you of all people write that. It's insulting."

"I didn't want special treatment. Besides, I don't mind. It's cathartic, weirdly."

The three of them looked at Remus like he had said something slanderous.

"I'll never understand you, Lupin."

~

It was later that day when Sirius approached him again. It was night; the others had gone to bed, and Remus was about to as well when Sirius sparked up a conversation.

"Moony? Are you sure you're alright with that werewolf essay?"

Remus sighed, frozen half-in, half-out of his duvet. He sat up and looked at Sirius, standing awkwardly at the side of his bed.

"Yes, Sirius, I'm fine. Stop worrying."

"I can't. I keep thinking that with all this research, someone will find out. They're bound to."

"It's compulsory. I can't stop it. Stop worrying, love."

Sirius stood awkwardly, not convinced in the slightest. Remus tapped the bed next to him and Sirius shuffled to sit beside him. They closed the curtains.

Neither boy said anything for a few strange seconds. Silence killed Remus, so he reached out for Sirius' hand for something to do. He took it and squeezed. Hard.

"I..." Sirius started, suddenly finding his words stuck in his throat. "I'm just so, so worried about you, Moony. I don't want to imagine life without you; if something ever happened to you... it would kill me."

Remus squeezed his hand back. "I couldn't live without you either. But, that stupid essay wasn't about identifying werewolves in their human forms. Just the difference between us and normal wolves. Kettleburn said Dumbledore would sack him if he taught how to identify us as humans."

Sirius relaxed at that. "Good. We don't want angry mobs of Slytherins attacking both of us."

They laughed unnaturally, suddenly both reminded of Sirius' deep pile of family-shit.

"We'll be fine." Remus said, reassuring himself as well as Sirius. "We'll be fine."

" _You'll_ be fine. Because you'll always have me. Even _if_ all the Slytherins attack you." Sirius squeezed his hand again. He leaned in when he next spoke. "So, how about that date?"

Remus laughed and leaned in as well, giving Sirius a small peck. "Sure. Let's raid Honeydukes' cellar."

Sirius kissed him again in agreement. His hand reached to Remus' cheek, and he grinned into his lips. Wanting overcame him as he pushed Remus down, clambering on top of him. They kissed sloppily, but Remus loved it. He felt Sirius' hand move from his face to caressing the scar on his neck. Goosebumps trailed down his arms, and he felt tingles in his face as well as his crotch.

"You should go back to your bed," Remus said breathlessly between kissed, with an air of fear in his voice.

Sirius groaned, pulling away fully and propped himself up by a hand at Remus' side. "Just a little longer..." He went to kiss Remus' neck, but he dodged him.

"Sirius, the others."

Sirius sighed and looked to the side, where James and Peter were snoring. "Alright, fine. Night, night, Moony."

He gave Remus one last, longing kiss (that was reciprocated just as lustfully) before tiptoeing out of the curtains and back across the room.

"Goodnight..."

Remus stayed, laid down on his back, as he slipped under his duvet, pulled it up to his chin and stared at the ceiling. He very rarely got cold, but then he could feel chills running down to his feet. Maybe it was because Sirius' warmth was gone or that his thoughts suddenly drifted to Marlene and whether she got help on her essay. She might've found Mary, and she explained the detailed intricacies of snout and tail shapes. Or worse, maybe she found Lily first, and she did it instead.

Cringing, he rolled onto his side, willing for sleep to take over him. But he couldn't shake the thought that in their next Care of Magical Creature lesson they'd have a debate or discussion on werewolves in general. Werewolves rights were bound to come up. _Hopefully, my friends don't think I should be imprisoned and jobless_ , Remus thought darkly. _Wonder how many of them think I shouldn't be around kids._

And after all that thinking, there was a lump at the back of his throat and he cried himself to sleep.


	5. Birthday Spliff

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sirius' 17th birthday party!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cw: Drug misuse

The obnoxious music was almost as loud and annoying as the birthday boy himself, Remus thought, as he moped at Sirius' seventeenth birthday party. He and his firewhisky sat at the edge of the chaos, just watching. Truth be told, parties made Remus sick. The music and the dancing and, God, the people. He couldn't bear any of it. But, being the amazing boyfriend that he was, he was enduring it for now.

Remus cracked open a window, it was getting stuffy; he wanted a smoke. The cigarette was between his lips and, in no time, he was relaxed after a couple of drags.

The music got louder if that was even possible, making Remus cringe. His ears were too sensitive for this shit.

Sirius didn't seem to notice. He was very, very, drunk. His dancing was very trashy, his arms were in the air stabilising him; bobbing to the beat. He looked free, like a hippie. His grin was wide and dopey and Remus thought he looked stoned. 

Suddenly, as the songs changed, Sirius stopped dancing and looked over to where Remus was sitting. He smirked, dodging past people as he stumbled towards him.

"Moony!" He shouted. "Come dance with me!" He flung himself into Remus' arms, almost burning himself on the cigarette.

"I don't dance." Remus pushed him off, stifling a smile.

"It's my birthday! I command you to dance with me!"

"You're not royalty, Sirius."

Again, Sirius stumbled. He stuck out his tongue, almost licking Remus' nose.

"Boring! You're boring, Moony!"

"Piss off. I don't like parties." Remus sunk into his seat, taking one final drag before his cigarette went out.

"You piss off if you don't like parties!" Sirius gestured wildly to the stairs to their dorms. "Party pooper!"

"Go enjoy yourself!"

"With you?"

"I'm not dancing!"

"Please! For me?"

"No!"

"Mooony!"

"Padfoot!"

Sirius suddenly propelled himself backwards, holding onto Remus' arms for support. "I'm a fucking adult." He smirked. "Which means you, little boy, have to do what I say."

"Does it now?"

"Yes! And I say dance with me! _Si vou plais?"_

That was a weak spot of Remus' for sure. Even though he was drunk and it was a bit slurred, any French that cane out of that mouth left Remus weak in the knees. And the look in Sirius' eyes told him that he knew that. The bastard.

"...Fine."

Sirus beamed, grabbing Remus' arm and yanking him towards the middle of the dance floor. It was much hotter here, amongst all these bodies than it was by the open window. It also stank. Like really bad booze and sweat. But that didn't matter when he focused on what was right in front of him: Sirius.

Sirius was leading. And by that, he was jumping around Remus grasping onto him like a crutch. That was until Sirius draped his arms around Remus' neck, wobbling on his tip-toes to do so, and started swaying calmly.

"You getting tired yet?"

"No way!"

There was silence.

"Happy birthday, Sirius."

_"Merci, mon amour."_

There it was again. That fucking french that made Remus want to drag him upstairs and tear both their clothes off. It made enduring this stupid, loud, headache-inducing party worth every second. Sirius' breath was warm, it tickled the back of Remus' neck, making his hair stand on end.

"You're welcome."

"I'm a fucking adult..." Sirius said again, smiling into Remus' neck. Suddenly he shouted, "How much have you had to drink? Not enough surely, party pooper!"

"Plenty."

"Have you got a spliff?"

"Nah. Ask a Hufflepuff."

"Moony! I'm an adult!"

"I know dickhead!"

"Please, kiss me, pretty please." He puckered up but Remus dodged him expertly. His heart started hammering.

"Sirius we can't."

Sirius' scowled. "I don't care!" He tried again to get a kiss.

"Stop it!" Harshly and suddenly, Remus pushed Sirius away. He could feel his heart in his head. Sirius stumbled drunkenly and would've fallen over if there weren't others on the dance floor. The girl he bumped into shoved him back, hard, and he almost fell again. "Merlin, Sirius!"

Remus barged past people, cracked open a fresh firewhisky and returned to his window. He took a great gulp, draining half the bottle. A mix of terror and fury bubbled in his chest; a fierce hotness trailed up his neck and across his face. _What the fuck was he thinking?_ He glared at Sirius as he started to waddle over to him, head hung and bottom lip out. They were face to face again. Sirius was eyeballing the ground. Remus was looking everywhere but the drunkard in from of him, sipping away at his drink.

"'M sorry, Moony..."

Remus finally looked at Sirius. His stomach dropped at how small he looked and suddenly he wasn't angry anymore. "It's fine. Maybe just lay off the booze for the rest of the night."

Sirius chuckled, "Sure... I still want a spliff, though! I'm still the birthday boy!"

"Just one, OK? I'm sure Mary's got some."

Sirius jumped and whooped with excitement, grabbing Remus' arm to drag him across the room to find Mary. He was hanging off him like when they were dancing. Though this time Remus didn't mind. Every time they passed someone they knew, Sirius would shout a greeting at them and laugh so hard that it almost knocked him over. He almost pulled Remus to the floor while they were passing James. ("'Ello, 'Ello, Potty! Where's Evans, eh? Not fucking talking to _you_ , is she?") But Remus didn't mind.

Finally, they found Mary. She was at the edge of the dance floor talking to a Ravenclaw Remus only knew by face. Sirius didn't notice him.

"Mary! Mary, Mary, Mary! I need a massive favour, love."

Mary looked him up and down. She snorted. "Happy birthday, you. Hi, Remus. What d'you need?"

Sirius laughed, letting go of Remus' arm to lean closer to her and whisper in her ear. With all the noise, Remus couldn't pick up what he said. Mary's face spread into a smirk. The Ravenclaw stalked away.

"Sure, boys, I think I can make some arrangements for the birthday boy." She pinched Sirius' cheek, "Follow me."

As Mary turned, her hair swished with her. She lead them back across the room and to the stairs to the dormitories.

"Wait here, I'll be right back."

She disappeared upstairs and reappeared in a flash. Her hand was in her pocket and another wide smirk on her face.

The three of them decided to go up to the boys' dorm for some peace and privacy. Mary claimed the window sill, her legs dangled to the floor. She was looking down at the boys sat on the floor.

"This is the good shit." She pulled out an old mint tin, tapping it excitedly with her fingernails. The sound was ear-splitting to Remus. "You owe me one, Remus."

"What? I thought this was a birthday present."

"Is it your fucking birthday?" She handed them both a rolled joint. Remus rolled his eyes. "You owe me."

Remus was fully relaxed for the first time in weeks. The ache in his bones melted away. His headache faded into nothingness. Sirius had calmed down (he stopped yelling) and he was either tired or too intoxicated to care when his head lolled onto Remus' shoulder. Remus heard his heartbeat slowing down with every puff. Mary joined them on the floor, made herself comfortable and had taken off her shoes. Drooping, her eyes were tinged red.

"Good, isn't it?"

Remus felt Sirius nod against his shoulder.

There was a sudden shriek that murdered their relaxing silence. Both Mary and Sirius jumped, glaring at the door to the dorm, where the yell had come from.

"What the fuck was that?" Said Mary. Her joint quivered in her hand.

The shout suddenly turned into laughter as the door burst open.

"How've you lost him, you - Sirius! Remus! This dickhead was looking for you!"

James and Lily stood in the doorway. They were giggly, as they hung off each other. Not for long, however. Lily rushed over to them and plopped herself next to Mary.

"I was telling James that he hadn't lost you. And, here you both are. What're we up to?"

Sirius' eyes were almost closed. "Birthday spliff."

James snorted (he was sat down now)and took Sirius' joint. "I can see that."

"Funny, 'cause you're blind as a bat, you are." Sirius snatched his joint back. "Hilarious."

"Why'd you leave your own party? It's still early."

"'Birthday spliff'." Mary laughed. Sirius glared at her.

"There was nowhere to sit downstairs. It's nice up here."

Remus suddenly looked from Lily to James and then back to Lily. "Why're you up here, Lils? Were you and Toerag-Potter -"

"Fuck off!" Lily shouted, her face flushed red. "We were looking for you."

"Is that what we're calling sex now?" Mary said, laughing along with Remus and Sirius.

" _Mary!_ "

"What? I'm just asking!"

" _We were looking for them!_ "

Sirius was a laughing mess, James was bright red, and Lily was furious. Everyone soon calmed down again, and Remus thought this was better than any birthday party. No one else was there. There weren't sweaty, loud, annoying strangers; just his best friends. He was sharing his joint with James and Lily (Sirius had refused, "You can't share presents, Moony!" And Mary was just being greedy.) and they were passing it back and forth like a tennis rally.

Sirius clung to him. A sweaty, high, drunk mess but perfectly so. He was almost asleep. But then James would say something, and he was set off again. _This is perfect_ , Remus thought.

"Happy Birthday, Padfoot." 


	6. Totally Muggle Kissing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spin the bottle because sirius is horny and wants a snog :D

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw:underage drinking

Remus threw back his head and downed the rest of his firewhiskey. He had a fresh bottle in his hand; it was still icy and numbed his fingers. Throwing the empty one on the floor, he took a swig. There wasn’t a special occasion, they hadn’t even won a quidditch game, but there was a party raging in the Common room. Sirius had begged for him to stay, and he did for the alcohol, but he was tempted to go back upstairs. The others were up, dancing and having fun as people did at parties. But here Remus was, sat alone drinking like a depressed pirate.

Sirius was the drunkest out of all of them. He had become the personification of a sex-deprived forty-year-old; proposing threesomes to everyone he crossed paths with, shouting non-stop about his penis and complaining about his abysmal sex life. This side of drunk Sirius was one of the most entertaining, Remus thought, and it was one reason he hadn’t gone back to their dorms yet.

The sofa Remus was sat on was in the centre of the room, and since Sirius was embarrassing himself behind him, he was even more tempted to leave. But suddenly, Sirius was right behind him.

“Moony! Fancy seeing you here!” He had a bottle of something in his hand. Balanced on the back of the sofa by his stomach, his legs were in the air, and he was grinning widely that he spat as he spoke. A sweaty warmth heated Remus’ face when Sirius kept accidentally bumping cheeks.

“Having fun?” Remus smiled at him.

“Psh! Fun, he says. You don’t know what fun is, mate!”

“Yes, I do! All this shit,” he gestured to the party, “just gives me a headache! _You_ give me a headache!”

Sirius gasped, swinging his legs over the back of the sofa. He plopped down beside Remus, too close again that Remus could now smell the firewhiskey on his breath.

“No! Do I? No!” He took a swig. Smacking his lips, he sprayed Remus with small specks of alcohol.

Remus raised an eyebrow. “Sure, you don’t.”

Sirius suddenly started scrutinising him. He leaned in closer, if that was possible. “You haven’t gone to bed yet! Why?”

“You want me to stay.”

“Do I? You can fuck off if you want to.”

Their eyes met. Remus took another swig, making no move to go back upstairs.

“Well done, Moony! You’re so brave!”

“Shut up! You’re yelling in my ear!”

“Fine.” Sirius, staggering, stood up and made to leave. Remus suddenly grabbed his arm and pulled him back.

“No way! I’m bored, don’t you dare leave!”

“Let’s do something then! C’mon, Moony, brainstorm with me! What the fuck should we do?” He pressed two fingers to his temple, trying to generate good ideas.

“I dunno. I’m not dancing!”

Sirius started daydreaming. He chugged the rest of his firewhiskey, and when he finished it, he looked at the empty bottle, an idea flashing through his head.

He shouted at Remus, “Bingo!” Before raising his voice to the rest of the room, “Who wants to play spin the fucking bottle?”

A loud whoop replied him, but Remus groaned, “Sirius, no! We’re not twelve!”

“I am!” He grinned. “Who’s playing?”

“Me!” Lily shouted. She and the other girls appeared from behind them. “Move, mutt, we’re sitting with Remus.” Lily, very ungracefully, kicked Sirius off the sofa and rested her head on Remus’ shoulder.

“Oi!” Sirius shouted from the floor, flashing Lily two fingers. Lily stuck her tongue out and latched onto Remus’ arm. Mary and Marlene tried to fit onto the sofa as well, but it didn’t fit the four of them, so Mary sat on the floor with the rest of the players. Shifting uncomfortably, she crawled to butt in between Sirius and James.

“How much have you had to drink, Lils?”

“Remus, Remus, Remus... I’m not drunk. Nope. You’re drunk.” She said, taking a small sip of _his_ firewhiskey.

Empty bottle in hand, Sirius sulked to the other side of the circle. James and Peter were both just as drunk. Sirius’ bottle now in the middle, he began to make up the rules.

“Right, listen up dickheads: No magic! You kiss who you kiss! If you’re a sneaky fifth year, piss off, it’s past your bedtime!” A few people lurking around the circle ignored him and went upstairs. “And, lads, you can piss off if you won’t kiss another lad. Cowards.”

Sirius glared around the circle, daring people to leave. Some did, and Sirius sent his middle finger after them.

“Me first!” Lily shot up her hand and waved it frantically. She sat up off of Remus and leaned to grab the bottle. She spun it sloppily, so it went round and round slowly before stopping in front of a now embarrassed Peter. He looked to James for the seal of approval, but James just glared an ‘if you must’.

“Peety! C’mere you!”

They shared a quick peck before Lily returned to Remus’ side. Peter spun, and it landed on Marlene. Then Marlene to Dorcus, Dorcus back to Peter (who was so red his head looked like a very fat tomato), from Peter to Mary and then Mary to James.

“Cor, finally! Watch out, Evans!” James fist-bumped, enthusiastically reaching for the bottle. It spun hard and fast, looping the circle multiple times before landing on-

“ _Sirius!_ This bottle is fucking cursed!”

Lily let out a cackle as she stared at the neck of the bottle that was pointing right at Sirius. “Tough luck, Potty!”

Sirius didn’t look as pleased as when he’d shouted out his rules. But when James stopped complaining, he didn’t look as bad. They met eyes, and both burst out laughing.

“Alright, Padfoot, let’s get this over with.”

They shuffled around Mary (who was dying from laughter) and shared an equally strange peck as Lily and Peter. When they pulled apart they burst out laughing, their faces inches appart. Suddenly, James pushed him away.

“Don’t get a stiffy, Pads.”

Sirius went red, self-consciously glancing down at his crotch as they took their places back in the circle. “Fuck off!”

Remus felt Lily laugh against his shoulder. He hoped James meant that as a joke (with him everything was a joke so, fingers crossed) because Sirius suddenly forgot they were playing and zoned out, sulking.

“Sirius! Your turn!”

He jolted back to life like Frankenstein’s monster. He mumbled a string of apologies as he grabbed the neck of his old bottle. With shaking fingers, he spun it. A cheering drumroll got louder and louder as the bottle looped the circle, everyone cackled at Sirius’ disinterest. Remus joined in until the bottleneck was, unmistakably, pointing at him.

Again, Lily let out a cackle. But this time James joined in as well, “Sweet fucking revenge!”

The thought of kissing Sirius wasn’t as putrid as the thought of Sirius kissing James (James sure seemed to think so) even so, Remus felt his entire body heat up. Suddenly he was very aware of his grip on his firewhiskey and how sweaty his hands were. He looked to Sirius and was surprised that he’d perked up. In his eyes was that glint that meant he was up to something. He was smirking like he’d won a rewarding bet.

“Watch out, Moony, he’s a fucking terrible kisser!” James cackled in between laughs.

As Sirius crawled across the circle, he flipped James off. His tongue slid across his teeth, sending a shiver down Remus’ spine. He stopped before Remus, now on his knees.

“Don’t look so disappointed, Moony! I’m offended!”

“No, Sirius - I didn’t -“

Remus swallowed his words when Sirius pounced on him. If he was hot and sweaty before, this must’ve been what bathing in lava felt like. Sirius hadn’t settled for a mere peck. No. They were full on snogging in the middle of the common room, in front of _everyone_. Neither noticed the surrounding silence; they were suddenly in their own world. Sirius’ hands were all over him, pulling Remus almost to the floor. If they were standing, Remus would’ve been weak at the knees...

A shriek of laughter broke them apart.

Remus’ eyes reopened, and he was hyper-aware of everyone staring at them. Sirius was only a hair away from his face, grinning wildly.

The laughter came from Lily; she was slowly losing it. Remus looked, worriedly, beyond Sirius at James, Mary and Peter (all equally flabbergasted, though James looked slightly offended).

The only noise in the room was Lily’s laugh and the pat, pat, pat of Sirius’ hands and knees as he crawled back across the room to his spot in the circle, smirking.

“You didn’t kiss _me_ like that, mate... Bloody hell...” James said, trying to chuckle.

“Evans and I have more in common than you think, Prongsy.”

Lily laughed louder, nodding. “God, yeah.”

Remus didn’t know what to say; he was breath taken. His heart was thumping, and he was taking deep, slow breaths. _What in Merlin’s name just happened?_ He said nothing, and instead took a very, _very_ long and very, _very_ much-needed swig of firewhiskey. 


	7. For the best

“I’m sorry, Sirius... We can’t keep doing this. _I_ can’t keep doing this.”

It had been fun for a while, the sneaking around, the forbidden love. At first, Remus felt like they were in Romeo and Juliet. They snuck out of parties to snog in broom cupboards and darted around their friends like in muggle spy films. Now, he remembered why that play was a tragedy. Remus couldn’t do it anymore. He felt like they were living in constant fear. Like one wrong move, and everyone would know, and they’d be outcasts.

“Moony, I’m trying. Please, I-I need you.” Sirius never cried. But here he was. Sobbing. 

Remus shook his head. “No, you don’t. You need a girl. Someone to show off.”

“I _want_ you.” Sirius reached out for Remus’ hand, but he jerked it away violently.

“I can’t do this.”

Remus felt a tremble in his voice, but swallowed hard and ignored it. _He_ would not cry. Not in front of Sirius. They were alone in an empty classroom with an offputting echo, and the ways Sirius’ sniffles bounced around the room made Remus’ skin crawl uncomfortably.

“I want to tell James, I do...”

“But?”

“But I’m scared.”

“Do you think I’m not? I can’t be the brave one. I can’t keep doing this. It’s breaking me.”

Sirius eyed the floor, picking at the hem of his robes. His top lip was trembling. Like he was holding back another sob. He opened and closed his mouth, but nothing came out.

“I’m not telling you to come out, I - I just think that we should cool things off until you do.... I’m sorry...”

Remus turned and left the room, letting himself cry as he walked, zombie-like, to the one place that Sirius loathed: the library. The walk there felt like an eternity and a split second at the same time. He couldn’t help but think of Sirius, though each thought that popped into his mind, he squashed.

Upon arriving, Remus’ first instinct was to find a massive book and huddle up in the most secluded corner. That was his favourite spot. Right at the back, shielded from the rest of the room by two tall bookcases where no one could see him, and no one would think to disturb him. But he was pulled away from his corner by a shout.

“Remus!” It was Lily. She was smiling until her expression darkened. “You’ve been crying.”

“Observant as always, Lils.”

“What happened?” Lily ushered him to a table. She pulled a chair for herself and Remus, before sitting down.

“Sirius happened.” Remus sighed, dropping his head into his hands.

“Shit. What’d he do?”

“Can’t tell you. That’s why I’m so pissed at him.”

Remus knew he shouldn’t have been angry at him, but he had an overwhelming urge to throw something.

“Oh. Sorry. Is there anything I can do to help?”

“Not likely... Sorry, I sound like an ungrateful prat.”

“No, it’s OK.”

Remus left his head in his hands as they sat in a weird silence. He was both praying for Lily to leave him alone and to let it all out and sob into her shoulder. They stayed like that as the minutes ticked by until Remus’ ears pricked up at the scraping of two more chairs opposite him. He looked up. It was Marlene and Mary.

“Hiya.”

“Hi, Remus.” Marlene chorused.

“You alright, love?” Asked Mary.

Remus shook his head, laying it back in his hands. He heard Mary whisper, “ _What happened?_ “ and Lily’s response, “ _Black._ “

“Don’t worry about me. You don’t have to stay, I don’t want to bore you.”

“Oh. Do you want to come back to the common room with us then?” Marlene asked, innocently.

“No! Erm - no thanks. Don’t want to run into Sirius.”

“Then we’ll stay. You could use the company,” Marlene said.

Mary reached an arm over the table and patted Remus on the shoulder. “Yeah. And it’s _so_ depressing when other people are sad.”

And so they stayed. Remus was silently grateful for the girls being there. They ended up moving to Remus’ secluded corner for some more privacy and they studied for just over an hour before Marlene and Mary were getting bored. Then, Lily ventured to the kitchens and brought back some snacks and a muggle deck of cards. When she returned, they tried to teach Marlene how to play poker and spent ages betting Honeydukes’ sweets (Remus won, to his delight).

Before they knew it, the library was closing, and Madam Pince was shooing them out. But, again, the thought of returning to the Sirius-infected common room filled Remus with anxiety and simmering hatred.

“You guys go ahead. I’ll roam around for a bit until lights out.”

He made a plan to hide behind the statue of the one-eyed witch and eat as much of Honeyduke’s stock as he could.

“No! As we said, we’re keeping you company.” Mary linked her arm with his.

“Are you sure you want to wander around with me? I’m fine, really.”

“We’re not wandering around. It’s cold, and my feet hurt. I have an idea.”

Mary lead them to the other side of the castle, and it felt like they _were_ just wandering aimlessly and Remus was sure they passed the same corridor three times...

“Here we are,” Mary said, facing a blank wall.

“Mary... that’s just a wall, what are you on about?” Remus turned up his nose at the random wall they were starring at.

“Shh! Just wait!”

Remus sighed but, miraculously, a door appeared in front of them. He took a step back, out of shock.

“Oh, wow!” Marlene exclaimed. She ran forward and pushed the door open. “What is this, Mary?”

“It’s the Come and Go Room. I read about it in _Hogwarts: a history_ and then found it one night when I was off my tits and really needed the loo.”

The room Marlene revealed was big. With high ceilings and no window. It was sparsely furnished; there was a singular sofa, a side table, and a mountain of cushions. And, on that side table, were bottles and bottles of -

“Champagne! Wow, what’s the occasion?” Marlene was at the stash in a flash. She picked up a bottle and started examining it. “Very fancy.”

Remus followed her and picked up a bottle as well, “Are you sure this is safe? It was created by a room, after all.”

“Who cares, Remus? We’re distracting you,” Lily said. She picked up a small purple pillow and transfigured it into a champagne glass, handing it to Remus.

Suddenly, there was a loud pop and a yelp of fear. “Mary! God, you scared me!”

Mary had popped the cork of their first bottle (its froth was dribbling down her hand, and she was trying to salvage as much as she could), and Marlene had her hands over her ears.

Lily transfigured three more glasses, Marlene recomposed herself, and Mary poured them all a drink.

“ _Cheers!_ “

Considering that it took a lot of firewhiskey to get Remus drunk, he ditched his glass and started drinking straight from the bottle. Two bottles later, Sirius wasn’t on his mind as his full concentration was on their game of charades. It was him and Lily, versus Mary and Marlene. The others were up, and neither of them could guess what they were.

“Elephant? Snake? What do you mean ‘no’, you’re a fucking elephant!” Remus yelled. _What else could Mary be?_ Her arm was on her nose like an elephant’s trunk! But both of them were vigorously shaking their heads.

“Noodle? Spaghetti?” Lily tried.

They shook their heads harder, fighting not to say anything. Marlene started pointing at Lily before gesturing to herself.

“Me?”

They got excited.

“It’s me! OK, me and an elephant? Me and...”

Mary pulled the hood of her robes up, tucking her hair into it, so it looked a lot shorter. She retired her arm and started using her finger instead.

“Oh! You’re a witch! Lily and a witch! Witch Lily!”

“No! God, you’re both awful at this!”

“Shh! No talking!”

Mary mimicked stirring a potion, her finger still on her nose and her hair still in her hood.

“A witch! You’re a witch! _What do you mean ‘no’?_ ” Remus was frustratingly taking gulps of champagne.

Lily gasped, suddenly, like she was just underwater and was desperate for air. She slammed her glass down.

“Stop it! I know exactly what you’re doing!”

They gestured for her to continue, snickering.

“You’re me and Severus, aren’t you?”

“That’s not all!”

“ _Shh!_ Shut up!”

They began acting out a scene. Mary was making kissy faces, and Marlene was shaking her head, sticking out her hand for Mary to shake before she pretended to gag.

Remus burst out laughing. “ _Ha!_ I know what it is! Snivilus in the friend zone!”

“Yes! Yes, yes, yes! Remus wins!” Marlene announced. The three of them were laughing hysterically, but Lily was trying to hide her embarrassment.

“You’re not funny! Idiots!”

“Sorry, Lils. But it has to be said. Snape fancies you, and you’ve got the hots for Potter. It’s a sad tragedy of a love story.” Marlene fake swooned, and Mary started giggling. Remus sniggered and took a swig.

“Oh, please, no one’s sad in the slightest! You and James are made for each other!” Mary snorted.

“OK, that’s enough on my love life, thank you very much!”

They continued with the charades game for a few more rounds (they did James, Dumbledore and Marlene even attempted The Whomping Willow) until they were too drunk to continue. Remus felt numb and bloated. He could’ve vomited at any second. They abandoned the sofa and had made a very sloppy den out of all the cushions. Marlene was lying on her stomach, under a makeshift sofa-cushion-roof (the others had collapsed), Lily had voiced that she wanted a blanket, so now she was wrapped in one and Remus and Mary were lying on cushions, in front of a small hole they created to store their never-ending champagne bottles.

“Ladies, ladies,” Mary belched, “I have a serious - don’t you dare Lupin - question. When are you, missy,” She booped Lily’s nose, “going to make it official with Jamesie?”

Marlene started giggling.

“No, no, no, we are _not_ going there! No! Nope! No way!”

“Lily, this is a safe space between us girls (“ _Oi_ , I’m still here!”) ... and Remus. You are fucking smitten!"

Lily sighed, her face furiously red. “I don’t want to rush anything. What if things don’t work out? All these years for nothing? No thanks!”

“What? No, they will. They have to!” Marlene said, sadly.

Lily shrugged, still hiding her bright red face in her blanket-cocoon.

“James is making sure of it,” Remus smirked.

“Well, I don’t know, alright! Let’s stop talking about this!” She looked around at the others, trying to find someone to change the subject to. “Remus! Got your eye on anyone?”

These sorts of questions never came up when they were sober. Sure, the girls talked about boys around Remus now, but they didn’t really _include_ him, even though he’d come out the previous summer. They weren’t horrid, and Remus didn’t really _want_ to talk about boys with them, but it still sometimes felt like they’d forgotten about him.

They couldn’t have chosen a worse time to start, however. Remus was suddenly reminded of Sirius, and it was like a hard slap to the face or an ice bucket over the head. The blissful drunk state Remus fell into was suddenly tainted. He grimaced and took a swig.

“Oh, deary me. Someone’s heartbroken,” Mary said.

Remus huffed, angrily. “I don’t know why I fucking bother!”

“Oh, yeah! I’ve given up on men!” She mused, taking a long gulp.

“I mean, does he like me or is he ashamed of me? I don’t know ‘cause he doesn’t bother fucking talking to me!”

“Leave him, babes. You deserve a lot better.”

“Yeah, Remus! You’re awesome!” Marlene said.

“I already fucking have...”

Lily was thinking about something, staring at her half-empty glass. “Who? I mean, who is he?”

Remus almost answered her. He was on the verge of telling them everything and finally getting this off his chest. But he remembered that he and Sirius were still best mates.

“Can’t tell you. He’s not out.”

“Oh, yeah, you deserve better! You’re not a secret, Remus!” Mary was suddenly inches away from his face. She grabbed his cheeks and squeezed.

“Thanks, Mary. Merlin, I needed this.”

“C’mon! Get up! We’re not moping, we’re here to _enjoy_ ourselves!” Mary grabbed Remus’ hands and pulled him onto his feet. She popped another bottle of champagne, whooping. “ _To Remus!_ “

It drizzled on their fort, and Marlene gasped in horror. “Oi! You’re getting the pillows wet!” She suddenly stood and knocked over her roof. “Look what you’ve made me do! Our fort!”

Mary laughed. “Chin up, Marls!” She wobbled on an unstable cushion, shrieking in shock. More champagne spilt. Marlene gasped again.

Mary raised her bottle, _“To giving up men!”_

 _“To giving up men!”_ Remus replied, raising his. He raised it to his lips, and it dribbled down his chin. Also wobbling, his knees buckled slightly. Head thrown back, he scrunched his eyes closed as he struggled to keep drinking. He made a strange gurgle, was shocked, and spat out the drink in his mouth. It stung as it shot out of his nose.

“ _Fuck!_ “

The others hooted with laughter. 

Remus was startled and, again, lost his footing. This time he didn’t catch himself. One moment, he was chugging champagne and, the next, he was staring up at the ceiling, his head throbbing. The bottle he was holding slipped from his fingers. He heard it smash and felt the champagne soak his sleeve.

“ _Remus!_ Remus, are you OK?”

“Remus, you’re bleeding! _Get up! You’re bleeding!_ “

“Get off him! _Remus, can you hear me?_ “

He could hear them but found he had forgotten how to talk so grunted like an animal. It felt like he had the worst headache in history, like he was slowly sinking into a bed of nails. The girls were only panic-stricken blurs as he blinked, trying to keep his eyes open. Suddenly, there was silence and everything went black. 

~

“Will you three shut up? You’re going to wake him up!”

“Sorry, Evans. I’m just worried.”

“Shh! My head hurts stop talking so loud.”

“Merlin, we shouldn’t have drunk that much.”

“What were you even doing?”

“Keeping Remus company.”

“I thought you kidnapped him when he didn’t come back to the dorm.”

“ _Shut up!_ “

Remus was barely awake. From behind his closed eyelids, he could see the morning sunlight. He recognised the hissy whispers around him as the girls and James. There was a throbbing in the back of his head. He groaned and shifted on his pillow.

“ _Remus!_ “ Lily exclaimed. He could tell it was her just by her voice.

“ _Shh!_ “

“Remus!” she lowered her voice, “Are you awake?”

He grunted, opening his eyes. Remus stared up at the worried faces of James, Lily, Mary and Marlene.

“Morning...”

“Remus, I’m so, so sorry! We shouldn’t have gone that far!”

“It’s alright, Lils.” There was another sharp pain in his head. “What happened?”

“You fell and cracked your bloody head open, that’s what,” Mary hissed. “We tried carrying you here by ourselves. Drunk geniuses, we are. But then, Lily went to get Pomfrey. Thank God, because I thought you were a goner.”

Remus tried to smile because it hurt to laugh. He looked between all of them.

“Thank you. I’m sorry I dragged you into all... _this_. I should’ve just gone to bed.”

“No, it was our pleasure,” Marlene said. She winced slightly, lifting a potion for hangovers to her lips. The girls nodded. There was silence.

“What happened between you and Padfoot?” James tried. “He barely said a word the whole evening.”

Remus sighed and closed his eyes again. Just thinking about Sirius felt like a chore. “He got a dose of reality...” Remus suddenly realised that he wasn’t there. “Where is he, anyway?”

“Upstairs. He’s refusing to get up, so Wormy stayed with him.”

“Course he is... Well, can you tell him to visit?” 

He cracked his head open for Merlin’s sake, Sirius could put yesterday behind them to at least make sure he hadn’t, y’know, bled to death!

“Sure thing, Moony... We’ll leave, then. Let you get some rest.”

Remus hummed in response. There was shuffling, chair scrapings then, silence. They were gone, and Remus was asleep again.

~

Last night’s events played through Remus’ mind as he slept and, he almost thought that it was all a dream. _Please, wake up in the dorm,_ Remus thought, _Please, let it have been a dream..._ He opened his eyes and... stared up at the ceiling of the hospital wing. Never mind, then.

His head wasn’t throbbing as violently (he still had a hangover, however) but, there was a sweaty warmth in his hand. Twitching, his fingers suddenly reacted. He looked down, finding another hand in his.

“Hi, Moony...”

It was Sirius. Of course it was.

Remus sighed and looked up into his eyes. “Hi.”

“...Are you OK?”

“Fine. Nothing I can’t handle.” Remus tried to joke. Sirius didn’t know whether to laugh. He settled for a dry chuckle. They sat in silence for a while until Sirius cleared his throat, 

“I - I told James. About me. Just now, actually.”

There was a swell of something in Remus’ chest, and he couldn’t help but smile.

“And?”

“What do you think? Of course, he took it well! He wouldn’t care if I murdered someone.”

“No, he wouldn’t.” Remus chuckled. “That really is amazing. I’m so proud of you, Pads... _Seriously_.”

Sirius laughed heartily. His grip on Remus’ hand tightened.

“I don’t want to hide you, Moony. You’re the one I want to be showing off, not some girl. Especially to the others. You don’t have to be _the_ brave one because I have to be brave as well. And, that’s not fair on you. So, I’m sorry.”

Remus didn’t know what to say. He nodded and squeezed Sirius’ hand. 

“I know... I don’t want to hide you either.” 

“... Are we alright, then? I understand if we’re not.”

“Of course we are.” 

Sirius let out a long breath he was holding, smiling wider. Remus for a moment forgot yesterday night, immersed in Sirius and only Sirius. Still as gorgeous as he had been yesterday, but now, he looked different without that weight on his shoulders. Remus remembered that feeling so vividly he almost started tearing up. He matched Sirius’ smile. They were alright.


	8. It's a tie

“ _MOONY!_ I need you! It’s a matter of life and death!”

“What d’you want?”

“Just come! _Please!_ “ Sirius whined, louder.

The bathroom door clicked open, and Remus walked out. His hair was damp and stuck to his forehead, and his uniform was rumpled and half-complete, and Sirius had to remind himself to look into his eyes, not at his long fingers as he buttoned up the rest of his shirt.

“ _What?_ “

Sirius pouted, then pulled his tie from left to right around his neck. “Tie my tie?”

“Seriously? That’s what you’ve bothered me for?” Remus sighed, heading back to the bathroom.

“Wait! Moony, I can’t do it myself, and I have to get to breakfast! I promised Prongs.”

“Fine. Just let me get properly dressed.”

Sirius, very pleased with himself, waited patiently for Remus to reemerge from the bathroom.

Sirius had to attend many formal events with his family when he was little, so, out of spite, refused to learn how to tie his tie. It was the small things, like this, that all came together to form a massive ‘fuck you’ to his family. At the beginning of first year, he’d planned to learn but never got around to it. He couldn’t complain, however - Moony doing his tie every so often was a blessing in disguise.

When Remus finally reappeared, his robes and hair fixed, he gestured for Sirius to stand up. He did, flipping up his collar in preparation.

Remus rolled his eyes. “You should’ve learned how to do this years ago.”

“Maybe.”

Sirius felt he couldn’t say much whenever Remus was this close. Like one wrong word and he’d be spilling all his deepest secrets. Sirius could smell the shampoo Remus used on his hair and, for once, didn’t care that Remus had used his without asking. Feeling very content, Sirius tried to preserve this moment as best he could, studying Remus’ face to remember every detail of his fleeting fantasy.

Remus grabbed his tie harshly, and as he began tying it, Sirius felt his face heat up when his hands brushed over his chest. It sent a shiver down his spine that Remus raised an eyebrow at.

“Alright?”

“Never better.”

Remus tightened Sirius’ now completed tie and flicked his collar back down. As he did so, his hands almost caressed the back of Sirius’ neck; who felt hot and red again. Remus brushed down Sirius’ shirt. “All done.” He left his hands resting on Sirius’ chest, who was now very aware of how fast his heart was beating, and desperately hoped Remus couldn’t hear it.

“Thanks.”

They stayed like that, Remus just resting his hands on Sirius and Sirius revelling in the glorious moment. He didn’t want to move, suddenly finding that he _couldn’t_ move. The only noise were his deep breaths; Remus’ hands rose and fell gently with his chest.

“We should - erm - head to breakfast,” Remus broke the silence and, with it, Sirius’ daydream.

“Oh! Yes, um, we should.”

Remus gave one final pat to Sirius’ chest before grabbing his bag and turning to leave the room.

_‘Merlin’s beard, I want you...’_


	9. something illegal

“Let’s do something illegal.”

“No.”

“Moony, come on! Don’t be boring,” Sirius said, a playful glint in his eyes.

Remus was staying with the Potters for the rest of the summer but, now they were out of school, he was more bitter than ever that he couldn’t stay longer. Bloody Moon was the first week of September, so he had to leave (despite Sirius and James telling him they’d work something out).

He and Sirius were leaning against a wall in a nearby muggle village, waiting for James to finish his phone call with Lily. They could chat for hours and Sirius had refused to wait outside the phone box (“It stinks of piss, Moony! _Piss!_ “) so they ended up opposite a row of shops near a farmer’s market.

“Sirius, no. Whatever you have in mind, forget it. Getting caught’s not worth it.” Remus sighed, looking at Sirius’ excited face was enough to tire him out.

“Is that what you think of me? I don’t get caught!”

“No, you have a rich conscience. You chicken out!”

“Do not! Look, over there, let’s steal something!” Sirius pointed to one shop, practically jumping with excitement.

“No!”

“Moony! This will be fun! I dare you.”

“Nope.”

“Fine! I’ll do it without you.” Sirius hopped down from the wall purposefully, strutting to the first of the row of shops.

Remus rolled his eyes, given no choice. “Dickhead.”

Sirius smirked over his shoulder. He wiggled his eyebrows and barked with laughter.

“We’re doing this the muggle way. No confundus charms.”

Sirius waved, dismissively. “Yeah, yeah. Whatever you want.”

Remus skipped for a few steps to catch up with him. “Be discrete and let me do this.”

Sirius stopped and stared at him, offended. “Moony, that defeats the entire point! This has to be a group effort!”

“You’ll just get us caught! I know what, you just distract the person behind the till. Talk about - I dunno - your bike. I’ll get us some sweets or something.”

Sirius agreed to their little plan, chuffed to bits with his vital role (even though Remus insisted that he could do this alone), and happily bounded into the convenience store. He smirked at the ‘No dogs allowed’ sign, “See, Moony, we’re already lawbreakers!”, making Remus scoff.

Smiling to the man behind the till, Sirius started fake browsing. He looked at the soft drinks and ready-made sandwiched before walking up to the till to ask for advice on cigarette brands.

Remus simply walked in after him, went straight to the back of the shop and slipped three 10p bags of sweets up into his sleeve. He had perfected this technique when, a few summers ago, his parents were the poorest they’d ever been, and he missed chocolate like a dead relative. There was a shop run by an ancient couple near his home, and they were both blind as a bat, giving Remus ample practice.

Sirius had changed from asking for that advice to talking about the weather. Only Sirius could make the weather into a conversation worth having. The charming git. As he rambled, Remus walked back down the aisle, behind Sirius and out of the shop.

“Have a lovely day!” Sirius beamed at the shopkeeper.

“Ta, mate,” the man said.

Sirius joined him, ecstatic,

“Mission accomplished!”

“ _Shut your gob!_ That man’s not deaf, you know.”

“Sorry,” He lowered his voice, “Mission accomplished!”

“You’re stupid.”

Sirius tutted, pouting. “Moony, you meanie!”

They were back at the wall, far enough away that it was safe to reveal their stolen goods. The packets fell out of Remus’ sleeve into his hand. He put one in his pocket (for James or for later; he hadn’t decided), gave one to Sirius and opened the last and began to eat. Sirius opened his as well and popped a gummy egg into his mouth.

“Jimbo’s not done pouring his heart out to Evans yet,” He looked in the general direction of where the phone box was. James certainly wasn’t leaving soon. “Let’s do something else.” He spoke through the sweet, another glint in his eyes.

“Sirius, no. I did that so you wouldn’t get in trouble. Please, just... no.”

“Remus, mate. Loosen up. Besides, I didn’t specify what we should do.”

“Don’t tell _me_ to loosen up, fancy pants. And I know you want to break the law.”

Sirius pouted, chewing on another sweet. “Maybe. C’mon, I want to go somewhere more... private.” He smirked, offering Remus a gummy heart. Remus sighed to cover up how flustered Sirius made him as he accepted his offer.

“Alright, fine... But no law-breaking!”

“Whatever!”

They wandered down a secluded ally that stunk even more of piss than the phone box had. Remus didn’t want to roam too far, they didn’t know this village at all, so they left the ally and found themselves in a park. Well, Remus thought it was a park at first. But then as they walked in, realised that it was more of a forest. There were no people as far as either of them could see. Instead of a fence, giant trees shielded them from the houses and shops of the bustling village.

“Wow... Imagine coming here on the fulls,” Sirius said, looking up at the trees in awe. His gaze trailed down, and he looked at the shrubs and fallen autumn leaves. He took a deep breath, basking in the fresh air.

Remus smiled, enjoying the sudden calmness surrounding them. He took a step and something snapped under his foot. Crouching, he picked up the stick. “Want to play fetch?”

Sirius’ smirking face vanished, replaced by Padfoot’s wagging tail. Remus laughed as the dog started jumping up at him.

“Oi, get off me! Down!”

He did what he was told.

“Sit! Good boy!” He ruffled his head.

“Go get it!” Remus threw the stick far, accidentally; he forgot his own strength sometimes. Sirius went bounding after it and brought it back quickly.

“Good boy,” Remus said again, scratching being his ears. He straightened up as Sirius changed back and they were eye to eye again. Sirius handed him the stick.

“Thank you.”

“My pleasure.” Sirius looked too proud of himself, considering he’d only fetched a stick. He rummaged in his pocket and his face fell. “I’ve finished my sweets.”

“Poor you.”

“Can I have one of yours? Please! Just one, I promise.”

“Sure. You can have a gummy bear.”

“What? No way, I want a heart!”

“Aw, how romantic of you.”

Sirius huffed. “Fine, a ring, then.”

“Sure.”

Remus dropped the stick to fish around in his pocket for his almost empty bag of sweets. Sirius went to snatch it, but Remus held it above their heads, well out of Sirius’ grasp. “Hands off!” Sirius huffed and crossed his arms. Moments later, a gummy ring was in his palm.

“Well, go on then, don’t just stare at it.” Remus chuckled, watching Sirius stare at the ring intensely. “It can’t eat itself.”

“I still want to do something illegal...”

“Do you now -“

“Yes, Moony. You’ll like this,”

Sirius took the ring in his fingers, turning it over absentmindedly.

“Hopefully.”

Sirius’ demeanour had changed. He was nervous and, as Remus stared into his eyes, Sirius gazed down at the sweet in his hand. Longingly as if it was some precious artefact. It was slightly offputting.

“Pads, what are you on about? Stop playing with it, or I’ll eat it for you.”

He stopped. Before Remus could stop him, Sirius was down on one knee.

“Sirius - no - stop it. What do you think you’re doing?”

“Proposing. Wasn’t it obvious?” He held up the gummy ring, grinning. Remus opened his mouth but, Sirius cut him off. “I know what you’re going to say, Moony. And the fact that I had nothing planned until a second ago when you gave me this fucking sweet isn’t helping my case, but... I love you more than anything. You saved me, Moony. You saved me from myself and, without you - well, what’s the point? I’m not a big fan of labels but, I think fiancé sounds a lot better than boyfriend, even if we can’t, y’know, actually get married... say something, please, or I’ll just eat this ring and forget I mentioned anything...”

Remus’ mouth was still open. He was trying not to choke on the words stuck in his throat. _What the fuck, Sirius?_ His mind raced, _What the fuck do I say to that?_

Remus was frozen. He stared at Sirius intensely, taking in the absurdity of the man down on one knee, in a fucking _forest_ , in front of him. Remus remembered all those restless nights when Sirius was terrorised by the thought of marriage when he saw his parents were trying to find him ‘a nice pureblood girl to settle him down and straighten him out’ _._ And now, he wanted to marry _him_. A strange surge of honour flooded Remus’ chest. His mouth widened into a grin. Merlin, he better not regret this.

Grabbing the gummy ring out of Sirius’ hand, he popped it into his mouth and began chewing.

“What does that -“

“I expect a proper fucking ring, Black.”

“Is that - is that a yes?” Sirius clambered to his feet and took Remus’ hands in his.

Remus smiled, tearily, and nodded, squeezing Sirius’ hands. “Yes... Yes! Fuck, yes, Sirius!”

Sirius looked as shocked as Remus felt. It took him a few moments to realise what Remus had said but, when he did, a mad grin spread across his face. He grabbed Remus by the waist and pulled him into a tight, warm hug. Remus gasped when his feet lifted off the ground.

“Wow! Moony, _holy shit!_ “ He put Remus back down and pulled him into a hungry kiss. “Holy shit...”

They pulled away, still in each other’s arms. It was like a dream. Alone, in a forest, it was just them and their fantasy. Like the rest of the world didn’t exist, and they really _could_ get married. One day, Remus thought to himself. He just knew it. 

“We should head back to Prongs, he might get worried,” Remus said.

“Nah, he’ll be taking to Evans for hours. Let’s stay here... Just for a bit.”

Sirius reached up and brushed the hair off Remus’ forehead. Remus nodded, and they were hugging again. Remus let his hands trail across Sirius’ back, rubbing small circles like he did when Sirius was anxious or panicked. Sirius’ head was rested by his neck and he pressed occasional kisses to Remus’ exposed skin. Remus buried his face in his hair, inhaled the unmistakable smell of Sirius, and spoke in a soft mumble.

“I love you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guess who told themself they would never write a wolfstar proposal? me bitch and look where we are now


	10. Hot Boy Summer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> thought of this when i was sweating my arse off and couldn't get to sleep. turned from fluffy pining to self-hating angst whoops x  
> a prime example of how hard i find it is to end things, but i hope you enjoy nonetheless! (remus is out in this one, sirius isn't)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: internalised homophobia

It was uncomfortably hot so, Remus couldn’t sleep. He could feel every individual bead of sweat on his forehead trickle down to his top lip where, every so often, he would lick to get rid of it all. His duvet was on the floor, the window was wide open but that didn’t matter because Remus was wearing long sleeves (as always). He hated summer because of just that. The thought of the others seeing his scars when they had no need to dug a pit in Remus’ stomach; the sleepless nights were well worth it.

Remus was on his side, staring past his curtains at an almost naked Sirius. His duvet was also on the floor, and his curtains were drawn, giving Remus a clear view of his entire boxer-clad body. Summer wasn’t all bad, if that was what Sirius is like. He was sprawled out in a starfish, mouth open, hair fanned around his head. There was a sliver of moonlight from the open window which landed low on Sirius’ hips. Remus couldn’t stop staring. _Is it getting hotter, or is it just me?_ Sirius was tossing and turning, flopping from his back to his front to his back again. Suddenly, he rolled to the side and was facing Remus. Remus thought he was caught, turning away swiftly. Not long after, he was staring again. What’s life without a little risk? Sirius was a magnet, drawing Remus’ eyes to every inch of his body. He couldn’t help it.

It was a few minutes later when Sirius rolled onto his side again but, suddenly, their eyes locked. Remus panicked, he caught him.

“Moony. You’re still awake,” Sirius whispered. His voice was slightly husked, sending small shivers down Remus’ spine.

“I can’t sleep. Too hot.”

“Merlin, yeah. I can’t sleep either.” Sirius rolled onto his back, his other side and then stood at the other side of his bed. Remus drew his curtains back the rest of the way and slung his legs off his bed.

“D’you want a fag?”

Remus shrugged, “Sure.”

Sirius grabbed a pack of cigarettes from his bedside and sat at the open window, slipping on a pair of quidditch shorts over his boxers. They were James’, but Remus didn’t mention it. Remus joined him.

Sirius snickered, “Of course you’re too hot, Moony, look at you.”

What? Remus had heard him say that line to his abundance of girlfriends, word for word.

“A jumper in this fucking weather.”

Oh, that’s what he meant. _Of course, he wasn’t flirting,_ Remus thought, _God Remus, you’re pathetic._

“Yeah, well, you know. Scars and whatnot.”

They were both sat on the windowsill, legs scrunched up, so they weren’t kicking each other. The breeze was a lot stronger this close to the window; Remus could feel himself cooling down. He was looking into his lap, suddenly embarrassed about how insecure he was.

“I don’t mind your scars.”

Remus shrugged.

“I’m serious, Moony!” Remus chuckled and rolled his eyes. “I like them. They show how brave you are... Come on, roll up your sleeves, at least.”

Remus made no move to and Sirius sighed. He reached out and folded over the cuff of one sleeve, followed by the other. Remus, suddenly very flustered (and noticeably cooler), didn’t know how to reply,

“Can I have a ciggy or not?” He snapped.

Sirius opened his box, slipping out two cigarettes into his palm. He handed one to Remus, placed his own between his lips, and lit them by clicking his fingers. It was a neat trick which Remus taught him when they’d both picked up the filthy habit.

They were silent for a bit. Sirius was looking out of the window, and Remus was starring again. The moonlight cast a sharp shadow down Sirius’ cheekbones, and he looked porcelain white in the strange, celestial light.

“Why’re you so hot, then?” Remus broke the silence.

Sirius tensed suddenly. Remus heard his heartbeat quicken. “I’m the hottest person in Gryffindor tower, Moony! Why else?”

Remus then remembered that rolling about before Sirius woke up. “Did you have a nightmare?”

Sirius looked away from him. “No, I’m fine. Just hot and bothered.”

“Sirius -“

“I said no. Forget it.” He lifted his cigarette back to his lips. In his tenseness, he accidentally inhaled and was in an eye-watering coughing fit seconds later. Remus patted his back.

“Alright?”

 _“I’m fine!_ Stop asking, you nosy git!”

Sirius swatted Remus’ hand off him and glared at him with such anger that, if they were standing, Remus would’ve backed away. The moonlight now made him look different; Remus saw the defined grey bags under Sirius’ eyes and the cigarette he clung to between trembling fingers and thought instantly of a homeless beggar.

“I meant about your cough,” Remus said, lamely.

Sirius immediately softened, “Oh... Sorry. I don’t know what came over me.”

“Maybe... It was your nightmare?”

Sirius went quiet for so long that his cigarette went out. He flicked it out of the window (Remus copied this) but made no move to light another.

“I... I really didn’t have a nightmare...”

Remus saw the nervousness in Sirius’ face (and the eye bags) and didn’t believe that he had a good sleep, whatever his dream. “Are you sure, Pads? You seem a bit… jumpy.”

“I’m sure. It was - I - I can’t tell you.”

“You don’t have to tell me, I just want to make sure you’re OK.”

Sirius took another cigarette and lit it. He offered one to Remus, who accepted. Thinking hard about whether he should say something, Sirius’ brow knitted. “Thanks,” He settled on after a while. “I - I’m OK... I’m OK.”

Remus continued to watch Sirius. He didn’t believe that he was alright in the slightest, but didn’t risk pushing him. Sirius wasn’t meeting his eyes again, he was fixated on the outside. Remus could _feel_ Sirius’ wanting to say something. He clenched his fists, distorting the cigarette between his thin fingers. The tobacco was pushing out of the end, flaking on his bare chest. He didn’t flinch once, despite the burning hot ashes.

Sirius suddenly looked away from the window. “Promise you won’t laugh.”

“Of course not.”

“I... don’t know who to tell except you... It was probably nothing... Dreams aren’t real, right? It was - it was weird... and... it was about another boy...”

There was a clench somewhere near Remus’ heart, but he ignored it. He was not cut out for this sort of advice-giving. “That’s alright,” He whispered.

 _“What?_ Don’t you understand, Moony? I had a weird _, sex_ dream about another boy.” Sirius mouthed the word ‘sex’ the way posh people mouthed most rude things. As if it was a plague or some kind of trigger that would wake the others up. His voice was a dangerous growl, but his face and ears were bright red.

“No need to get into all the nitty-grittys, Pads. I understand you perfectly.”

“But -“

“It’s OK, Sirius. _You’re_ not weird.”

Remus reached out for his hand, but Sirius jerked it away. He was shaken up; speechless as his face blushed brighter. Again, he couldn’t look Remus in the eye, so resorted to staring out the window. This time, the silence that fell between them was thick and tense, and Remus wished Sirius would say something. Every so often he looked like he was going to but, like a dying fire, the spark in his eyes was gone as soon as it was lit.

Remus wasn’t cool anymore. He found sitting this close to an embarrassed Sirius was hotter than lying meters away from the cool, midnight breeze. Sirius was boiling from head to toe and the fiery-hot smoke going in and it of his lungs wasn’t helping.

Sirius took a deep, shaky breath before finally replying, “I... I feel _disgusting_. And numb and hot and sweaty and awful and - and wrong....”

“You are _not_ disgusting or wrong, Sirius. We’ve all been there. I’ve been there, still am sometimes... But it’ll be OK.”

Sirius’ cigarette went out again and, again, he flicked it out the window. He didn’t so much as glance at the box afterwards. Composing himself, he shuffled and sat up, crossed his legs and stared, tearily, into his lap."You’re just saying that...I - I don’t know what to do, M - Moony... I need h - help."

Remus snuffed out his cigarette and hopped down off the windowsill to give Sirius a proper hug. He had never been clung to like that before. Equally, he had never held someone so tightly. No one ever cried on his shoulder, and Remus had no idea how to react. He settled on squeezing Sirius tighter and not giving one shit that his tears soaked through his jumper.

“You don’t have to do anything, Pads. Alright? I won’t make you do anything. But, whatever you chose to do, whatever you are, whoever you have weird dreams about, I will _always_ be here. You hear me?”

Sirius nodded, wiping snot on Remus’ shoulder as well. As the minutes ticked by, Sirius’ breathing calmed down, his heart was no longer racing, and the tremor in his hands were gone. Rems tried to pull away, but Sirius would just cling to him tighter. So, he stopped trying to pull away and let himself be clung to as he melted in the summer heat.


	11. The Wine Cellar

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> post azkaban depresso wolfstar w/ a happy ending bc i am in that kind of mood x

Remus knew it was only him and Sirius, alone in Grimmauld Place. He was actively avoiding him until the unmistakable clink of empty bottles came from the kitchen. Remus sighed and walked down the many flights of stairs until he was stood in the empty kitchen. There was another clink, and Remus followed it. Down cold, stone steps and into an alcove where a wide, wooden door hung half-open. He pushed it, and it groaned, heaving in to reveal Sirius, sat on the concrete floor of the cellar, a wine bottle cradled in his lap.

“Isn’t it a bit early to start drinking?” Remus asked.

Sirius jumped, and only then realised he was there. It took a few moments for him to think before his face broke into a sloppy, unpleasant grimace. “Dunno what time it is. Dunno, don’t care.”

“It’s before noon.”

“Didn’t you hear me? Don’t care.” Sirius took a swig from the wine bottle and wiped his mouth on his sleeve.

Remus sighed at the shell of the man crumpled on the floor in front of him and turned to leave before Sirius started shouting.

“NO! Don’t leave me...” Remus stopped and turned back around. At this, Sirius’ face relaxed, and the creases in his forehead softened. “Behold, Moony - Remus - the humble beginnings of my drinking problem.” He grimaced again, though this one was closer to a smile.

Remus cursed himself for pitying him.

“It’s not a joke, Sirius. You have a severe problem that almost killed you.”

“And to deal with my ‘severe problem’,” he made a mocking face, “I’m joking about it. Come. Enjoy a nice glass of wine with me... like the old days.” Sirius fumbled around for his wand and something to transfigure into a glass.

“I shouldn’t enable you like that.”

Sirius tutted. “You’re not enabling me. I’m enabling myself. Come. Please.” His hand grasped a dead mouse, his wand, and he scowled before transfiguring it into a perfect wine glass. Clumsily, Sirius half-filled it and swivelled it around it Remus’ direction.

Remus stalked forward and sat on the icy-cold floor. He was a good distance away from Sirius and accepted the glass of wine hesitantly. They sat, drinking, in silence until Sirius drained the rest of his bottle. Remus cast his eyes at the floor as he set his still half-full glass down, and the uncomfortable tingling sensation of being watched coated his entire body. Sirius’ stares were intense, and Remus had to fight back a lot of instincts to not stare back. Forcefully, he kept his gaze downcast. Sirius sighed. The empty bottle rolled out of his hand and clinked against Remus’ knee.

“What happened to us?” Sirius’ voice was stable; quieter.

Reasoning drowned out Remus’ pity. “You got yourself sent to Azkaban, and I thought you were a raging, lunatic murderer. Alas, you’re only a lunatic.”

Sirius chuckled. “Runs in the family. Seems like I wasn’t too different to them after all, eh?”

“You were. You are, Sirius. You’re not evil.”

“No?” He snorted, making a face as he wiped the snot bubble on his increasingly filthy sleeve.

“What, so you did murder all those muggles, then?”

_“No!”_

“There you go. Not evil.”

Sirius squirmed, visibly uncomfortable at the turn of the conversation. He tried to steer it back where he had intended. “Us. Why don’t you want an ‘us’ anymore? I miss you.”

“I do -“

Sirius scoffed.

“I do, Sirius. I just don’t know if I can handle the pain. You’ve forgotten so much, and I don’t want -“

 _“Cake!”_ Sirius barked. His voice was drunken and insane-sounding again. “Let’s have some cake, shall we? _KREATURE!”_

The elf appeared beside them with a _pop_ , and Remus jumped. Kreature’s face was laden with hatred and so was Sirius’.

“Yes, Master Sirius?” Just saying his name sounded like it was torturing the elf.

“I want a chocolate cake!”

Sirius was on his feet and out of the cellar in no time. Not before grabbing another bottle of wine and uncorking it with his teeth. Remus followed, groaning, and joined him sitting at the dining table. Another _pop_ later, Kreature slipped a huge, iced, chocolate cake in front of Sirius and stalked off, muttering slurs under his breath.

“Nasty piece of work,” Sirius growled. Suddenly, he clawed a chunk of cake out with his hand and started eating out of his palm. Remus cringed at how animalistic the display was.

“Sirius -“

“Nature’s forks, Remus. Besides, the only cutlery here is either putridly ugly or pure silver. And non-evil lunatics like me don’t want to burn, poison or harm their...” Sirius sighed and scoffed, “What are we? Ex-lovers?” His laugh was a mocking cackle. He licked his palm clean and pushed the cake towards Remus, resembling a toddler having their way after an explosive tantrum. “Do you want some or not?”

Remus, of course, wanted some. He sighed again and picked out a considerably smaller chunk than Sirius had.

“Don’t eat too much, or you’ll be sick,” Remus said. Suddenly, a memory flashed through his mind, making him grin. “Do you remember when you got piss-yourself-drunk and started _eating_ _cereal with your hands_ in the middle of the night? You poured half a bottle of straight bloody vodka in that bowl _and_ a bottle of milk! Do you remember? You vomited into it and tried to keep eating it? I had to drag you away from it, you were so persistent! The _most_ disgusting thing I’ve ever seen you do!” Remus’ mood lightened as he recounted more and more of that night. But his smile wavered when he looked to Sirius.

Sirius hung his head further. For a moment, he looked like he was trying to remember, but then his jaw tensed, and he didn’t answer. “...No... I’m sorry... I don’t.”

“Don’t be sorry - you were drunk so, you probably wouldn’t remember anyway...” Remus tried. Sirius grunted, scooping out an even-larger chunk of cake and shovelling it all into his mouth. After, he took a long swig of wine, like it was cheap beer.

“What’s with the cake?” Remus asked after a long, tense silence.

Sirius shrugged. “Can’t talk if we’re eating.” He’d shovelled more cake into his mouth that he now spat crumbs when he spoke.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Exactly that. Don’t talk, we’re eating.”

Remus then knew that Sirius wanted to avoid talking about what Azkaban did to his memory. It was fair enough that Sirius couldn’t remember as much as they both wanted him to. He would often scrunch his eyes and try to remember as much as he could, but often they were just flashes. On the rarity it was something more; though, it was usually something meaningless.

Sirius was looking only at the cake, his chocolate-smeared hand and his bottle of wine with a glossy, drunken sheen to his eyes. Under the sweetness of the cake and the tartness of the wine, Sirius smelled of sour embarrassment and shame. Remus wanted to scream, _‘It’s not your fault you can’t remember things, you stupid dog!’_ but didn’t. Instead, he said, “I have an idea.”

Sirius grunted. More chocolate smeared around his mouth.

With a flick of his wand, a book flew into Remus’ hands. Sirius looked up from the cake to snarl at it. “I don’t need a bedtime story for my mid-morning nap, but thank you.”

“It’s not a storybook. Look. I thought if we flipped through it, the pictures might jog your memory.”

Remus pushed the cake away and replaced it with the book. It was a photo album. Sirius tensed when he saw it.

“Remember?”

“Of course I do. James and Lily worked for ages, making it. Her and her muggle cameras and him with his magical ones. How could I forget?” A faint smile sprouted across Sirius’ face. “I remember... the Halloween you dressed as a, how did you and Evans put it? ‘Sexy construction worker?’”

Remus beamed, chuckled and began flipping pages until he landed on the right one. They were a collection from Halloween of ‘76 where Remus was dressed as a ‘sexy construction worker’. Sirius smiled as genuinely as the alcohol let him at the sight of them.

“Yes! I remember! You and Lily went together, and Pete fainted at the sight of you both! Ha, it was _brilliant_!” For the first time since they reconnected, Sirius said Peter’s name with no trace of loathing or malice. Because the Peter smiling back at them wasn’t the Peter they both loathed. The Peter smiling back at them was in a headlock in the moving ones (a la James Potter, who was dressed as a zombie), his pirate costume was as acute as ever, and when James let him go, he slung a friendly arm across his shoulders.

Sirius reached out to point at someone, but Remus stopped him and cast a quick _scorgify_ , cleaning his fingers and mouth of chocolate.

“Yes, it was! And he knocked a tooth out. Made a real, believable difference to his costume... I think _you_ almost fainted as well.”

“Of course, I did. Look at you! I’m weak in the knees as we speak!” Sirius pointed at the translucent, white t-shirt, tool belt and coy smile of the suggestively dressed Remus in the photo. It was magical, looping through Remus posing and aggressively chewing a piece of gum. “I don’t remember _that_ , however,” Sirius moved a clean finger to himself, stood right next to Remus.

The werewolf sniggered. “Don’t you? Such an iconic costume?”

“No, seriously! What in Merlin’s name was I thinking -“

“- you weren’t -“

“- I look like a...”

“Slag?”

“Yes! I look like a slag!”

In the photo, Sirius was struggling to pull an incredibly short skirt down before realising the camera was rolling and striking a pose. He clung to Remus’ waist so tightly, there was no gap between their bodies.

“I think your exact words were ‘sexy schoolgirl’. You were trying to seduce Dumbledore _and_ McGonagall, if I remember correctly.”

“Sweet Merlin - Honestly! What was I thinking?” Sirius hid his grin behind his shock and quickly flipped through the next few pages to escape the embarrassment.

Every time Sirius remembered something, he would stop and recount as much of it as he could. From James’ hair ruffling and stolen snitches, to trying to spot a peace sign in each photo like a game of Where’s Wally, to the many, many crime scenes of their infamous pranks. He was reminded of the night they stole a car and zoomed around the countryside until Lily stepped in and drove them ‘boringly’, as Sirius had put it. Really, she saved their lives - both Sirius and James crashed that car that night. Another such night, they found a shopping trolly (there was a photo of James up a tree trying to knock it down) which Sirius rode down a hill before they lit a gigantic bonfire and climbed trees and explored forests. There were spreads upon spreads of parties, whether they were birthdays, quidditch victories, Halloweens or the Marauders were simply feeling rather bored, and they all shared the same pure, unfiltered joy. As they flipped pages, Sirius didn’t go for the cake or his wine once.

As they neared the end, there were chunks with photos missing, and Sirius looked up at Remus when they came to the most prevalent. “Why all the gaps? Where are they?”

“Gave them to Harry. Of James and Lily. The tame ones, not ones like that,” Remus pointed to one of the young couple, both clearly drunk. Lily had a fistful of James’ arse in one hand and a bottle of gin in the other. It was muggle. Their faces were both fixed in a state of intoxicated glee. In fact, the entire page had photos like these. Mostly of James and Lily, but some featured others, almost all of whom were dead now. There was one with just Sirius and Remus, and it was an awful lot like the almost-crude photo of James and Lily. Remus smiled at himself; he was grinning, eyes screwed tight, clung onto firewhiskey and Sirius, who was planting a kiss on Remus’ neck, almost glaring through the lens of the camera. It was also fixed in hazy, drunken bliss.

“Of course. These are best saved for us,” Sirius said. He also looked at the photo of just the two of them and laughed. “I miss that.”

Remus laughed as well, relaxing at Sirius’ steady tone. “So do I.”

“Then we can have it back! We could have each other back! If you’d just-“ Sirius adopted his desperate voice, fiercely reminding Remus that he was still tipsy, “ - let us!”

The sweet reminiscing was over. Remus sighed, feeling very old.

“I don’t know what you want me to say, Sirius. You are a very different person now... Sometimes, you make me feel like I’m talking to a stranger... I don’t know what to say around you anymore... You’ve given up on yourself, why can’t you... give up on _this?_ “ Remus now felt exhausted, like a pensioner forced to run a marathon. He propped his elbows on the table, digging his palms into his eyes.

“I don’t want to.” Sirius reached out for Remus’ forearm but, he shook him off and jerked away, “What I do want is _some_ normality back. And that means you, Moony. Nothing feels normal without you...” He paused, but Remus didn’t reply. “I know things have changed and -“

Sirius stopped talking very abruptly. Like he was hit with a ton of bricks or (what Remus hoped) reality.

They sat in silence again for a tense few minutes before Remus looked up and was met with Sirius scooping some icing from the top of the cake with the tip of a slender finger. He licked it off too suggestively for Remus’ liking, taking his time as he teased. His entire finger was in his mouth when their eyes locked, and Sirius made a show of how slowly he could remove it. Remus kept his face emotionless. However, on the inside, it was like something sharp was ripping at his gut and something else burned hot scratches across his shoulders and down his back, and he had to look away.

Sirius stood smugly, collecting the photo album in his arms. Casually, he started leaving the room.

“Where are you going?” Remus called after him, standing. There was a shudder to his voice.

“The living room. It’s bloody freezing in here.”

Remus huffed, collecting himself before following suit.

Sirius lit the fire with a flick of his wrist and curled against the arm of the least-decrepit settee. The album flat-open on his lap.

Remus loitered in the doorway, and he smelt the smokey irritation trickling out of the animagus. 

_That’s payback, you smug git,_ he thought.

“Are you coming in or not?” Sirius snapped. “You’re agitating me standing there not doing anything. Besides, I can’t remember much without you filling in the gaps.”

They spent hours (it felt like hours, anyway) going cover to cover through all the albums Remus had. They were mostly seventh year, each of their last hurrahs before they were thrown, head first, into the war. You wouldn’t haven been able to tell that from the photos, however, they were obnoxiously happy.

It was a lot cosier in the living room than in the kitchen, thankfully. It didn’t smell of gone-off wine and was considerably less grimy. The fire crackled soothingly and, before he realised he’d done it, Remus let his tired head drop onto Sirius’ shoulder.

Sirius tensed suddenly, and Remus sat up sharply.

“Sorry -“

“Sorry -“

They both sighed, and Remus dropped his head again. Almost nuzzling into the comforting warmth of Sirius’ shoulder. “Look at us, Pads. It’s like we don’t know each other. Like this,” he pointed at a picture of them snogging, “was some other past life.”

Sirius’ pinkie twitched, so slightly that if he wasn’t clasping the album, Remus wouldn’t have noticed. Wordlessly, his hand crept off the pages and onto his leg. His finger twitched again. This time, however, it was close enough to Remus that it brushed gently over his knee. The tiny amount of pressure sent Remus back years, to when they were young, reckless, and in love. Pleasure filled him, sprouting from his knee until it seeped into his blood and was carried all across his body. He nuzzled deeper into Sirius’ shoulder, huffing into his neck in a very canine manner.

“I’m sorry,” Remus’ voice was muffled against Sirius’ shirt. “I _have_ missed you... _Us_... And I’m sorry I haven’t acted on it sooner... I don’t want to lose you again. It would kill me. Honestly, it would.”

Sirius’ hand went from Remus’ knee to interlocking their fingers. It was sweaty, and Remus could feel the spit on the finger Sirius almost swallowed but, the same pleasure bubbled inside of him.

“You won’t lose me, Moony. Not if I have anything to say about it. I promise.”

“Don’t you dare break that promise, Padfoot. Don’t you dare.”


	12. A different Moony

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> my take on how missions with werewolves would affect remus x

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> squeamish warning: if you don't like blood, bloody raw meat or dead animals, this might not be the one shot for you

Sirius was lying awake like he had done every night for the past two months Remus was away on his most recent mission. He’d finished his dreamless sleep potions days ago and hadn’t slept properly since. He didn’t know if it was the war or the coldness of their empty bed that kept him up. Deaths upon deaths were piling up, but funerals were far and few between, like a sick and twisted game. He’d heard nothing. Not from Dumbledore or Remus himself of how he was doing or... if he was still alive. Not knowing, Sirius decided. Not knowing kept him up.

Sirius hadn’t left the flat in days, even though the more time he spent trapped there, the more he was reminded of Remus’ absence. Everything was cold; his face was numb against the freezing block of his pillow, there was an untraceable draught, and, from head to toe, Sirius was covered in prickling goosebumps.

He was lying still on his side, in the same position for hours. There was a shard of orangey light from the streetlamps outside cast across his feet, and the only sounds were the occasional hum of passing cars, drunken shouts, and Sirius’ thin and shallow breathing. Until the front door slammed and floorboards creaked. _Remus,_ he thought, desperately. A tremendous weight lifted itself off Sirius’ shoulders, and he let out a long breath.

Or was it? He didn’t even hear the door unlock, or a jingle of keys lazily thrown onto the dining table as Remus usually did. And Sirius was positive that he at least locked the door. Merlin, it was an intruder. James would know what to do, he was not in the right state for this.

In a flurry of sleep-deprived terror, Sirius sat bolt upright, grabbed his wand off the bedside, and started advancing to the bedroom door. He pressed his ear against it. There was a faint _pop,_ chair scrapings and... _animal noises?_

After opening the door and brandishing his wand at the shadowy figure sat at the dining table, Sirius couldn’t make out if it was Remus hunched in the darkness. He flicked on the light and gripped his wand tighter still. The room flooded with light, and the sight that greeted Sirius made his stomach churn. _Merlin, Moony, what has this done to you?_

“What was the last thing I said to you before you left?” There wasn’t a quiver to his voice, but Sirius couldn’t stop his wand from trembling.

_“‘We’ve got to stop saying our goodbyes like they’re our last.’”_

Sirius sighed and lowered his wand yet, he couldn’t help his face screwing up with disgust.

It was Remus.

But he was unrecognisable. Sat at the head of the table, Remus had shop-bought, packaged meat (which Sirius hadn’t purchased) opened and in front of him. Raw, minced beef and chicken, sopping in blood. The same blood coated his fingers, smeared around his mouth, and his forehead when he hung his head in his hands. Which gave Sirius a clear view of the claws at the ends of each fingertip. Draped across Remus’ shoulders (over the same clothes he’d left in) was an animal skin cloak, made like a patchwork quilt. A deep sinking feeling told Sirius that Remus had killed those animals himself. But the reason within him shunned that thought. 

“What... What are you doing?” Sirius’ eyes travelled from the raw chicken to the animal skin cloak and... the _blood_. His stomach gave an unhappy lurch, like he was going to be sick. “What... _why?”_

“I thought you’d be asleep... I didn’t want you to see this.” Remus’ voice wasn’t hoarse like his dishevelled appearance suggested, but oddly soft. He raised his head from bloodied palms, sighed, and met Sirius’ eyes. “I’m sorry.”

 _What did this to you? What has fucking Dumbledore made you do?_ Sirius couldn’t shut his thoughts up, _Remus, what the fuck? What the fuck are you doing? What are you doing? What are you doing?_

“What happened?” Was all Sirius put into words.

“My mission... brought the wolf closer to the service. I’ve just returned, and I was hungry.”

“But - but, that’s _raw!_ There’s blood all over you! Where’s Dumbledore been sending you? Does he know it’s doing this to you?” Sirius’ voice rose with every question. He’d started pacing without realising.

“Sirius... You know I can’t tell you anything... just forget you saw this and go back to bed - I’m sorry for waking you up... I’ll be fine in the morning, I just need to... readjust.” And, just like that, Remus went back to picking and prodding the raw chicken like Sirius wasn’t still watching him with revulsion. The meat squelched in Remus’ fingers, sending another lurch through Sirius’ stomach.

“I can’t just -“ Sirius gagged and coughed as Remus, nonchalantly, bit into the chicken he was holding, “- forget _this._ And I haven’t been able to sleep at all since you left! I’ve been worried sick - and for good reason, it looks like!”

“I’m fine, Sirius. Just a little more wolfish than normal. Go back to bed.”

Sirius, stubbornly, pulled out a chair at the opposite head of the table. He let the wooden legs scrape into the floor before banging it down and plopping into it.

Still only in his flimsy pyjamas, the draught was a lot worse in here than their bedroom. Goosebumps rose across his arms, but Sirius couldn’t tell if they were because of the cold or Remus’ chewing.

Remus’ eyes flicked up from the chicken for a second, met Sirius’, realised he wasn’t going anywhere, then continued to eat like nothing was out of the ordinary. They sat in a strange silence filled with nauseating chewing noises before Sirius asked, “Where did you get that, anyway? Part of your mission by any chance?”

Remus’ face was grim as he scowled. “No... I stole them. From the big supermarket at the end of the street.”

“Oh? How lovely.”

“Don’t look down on me like you’re innocent and law-abiding! I had to.”

“You didn’t have to do anything. There’s food in the house - I’m not starving myself.” He gestured to the fruit bowl, which was on the countertop near the kitchen sink, and the fridge. “You _chose_ to.”

“I _chose_ not to kill something else. I wanted this to keep the wolf at bay so, I didn’t end up doing something stupid. Happy?”

Sirius grunted and kicked his feet up on a chair to his right. More chewing noises later, he let slip, “You look like him.”

Remus was unfazed. He’d finished the chicken and began stringing apart the minced beef, much to Sirius’ stomachs’ displeasure. “Who?” He asked through a mouthful, spitting flecks of blood as he spoke, staining the hardwood table.

“Greyback... You don’t look right - like yourself, I mean.”

Remus froze for a moment before, “I have more in common with Fenrir Greyback than you want to realise.”

At this, Sirius nearly vomited back up his dinner. It was more disgusting than the blood or the chicken or the chewing noises. “What’s _that_ supposed to mean? Are you and _the creature who stole your humanity_ suddenly best friends, getting to know each other’s most personal secrets? What’s Dumbledore got you doing, eh? Or are you going behind his back to pledge your loyalty to Voldemort’s most insane supporter? _Look at yourself, Remus!_ Is this Greyback’s doing? _Is he making you do things like this?”_

Remus didn’t flinch once, nor did his face show any sigh of hurt. Sirius was slightly out of breath, but Remus only untangled more mince with his claws before slurping it up like spaghetti and flicking more blood. “Sometimes, Sirius... you have a habit of forgetting that I, like Greyback, am a werewolf. Greyback did this to me a long time ago. The wolf is closer to the surface because I am hungry and tired and agitated, and because of where I was on my mission. There’s nothing you, or I, can do about it.”

Sirius slumped back in his chair, feeling guilty, but still extremely nauseous. “I… just know that if past Remus could see you now, he wouldn’t be very proud. I just... I don’t like it when you’re like this.”

“Neither do I.”

Remus finished the beef through another silence. Now, he was left with two empty, plastic containers with small pools of blood collected at their bottoms. Remus took a clawed finger, dipped it into the liquid before sticking his finger in his mouth.

“Are you and Greyback secretly vampires as well?” Sirius said, internally chuckling to himself.

Remus said nothing. Instead, he stopped, shrugged off the animal skin cloak, collected the packaging and wandered to the sink. Sirius watched as Remus walked away over the counters separating the two rooms. Then he looked back to the cloak and the same sinking feeling that Remus had killed all those animals returned. Sirius stared at it closer, but the only fur he recognised was... _deer._ A bubble of hatred rose within him. Sirius clenched his fist so hard that his fingernails dug deep, crescent-like pits into his palms.

Suddenly, Remus sniffed the air around him. “You’re... afraid... Afraid that I’ve killed something... I haven’t. The cloak was a gift.”

Remus’ voice, still soft, snapped him out of it and his hands relaxed.

“From?”

“A friend. You don’t have to worry.” He turned on the tap and started cleaning the bloody containers. Steam rose from the scalding water as Remus washed his hands as well.

“Your ‘friend’ skinned a _deer_. That’s worrying, Remus. Have you also been doing that? _Well?_ Are you killing animals?”

“Merlin, you’re acting like I murdered James and skinned him right in front of you! I can’t explain how I got it because I can’t tell you where I’ve been! Just know, I didn’t have a hand in killing _any_ of those animals! Alright?”

Remus turned and looked up from his hand washing. They were still bloodstained, however.

 _How can you dishonour Prongs like that, you foul git?_ Sirius’ thoughts yelled, _I didn’t ask if you made it; you wore the bloody thing! How would you like it if I started prancing around in werewolf-fur coats?_

Sirius nodded his head. “How were the moons?” He asked after Remus turned back around.

“Better - good. Would’ve been perfect with you lads with me, though.”

“Really? I thought they were going to be awful - I stayed up all night during them both. I - I thought they were going to kill you this time, because of how bothered you were. Frankly, I’m surprised they didn’t, considering how bad the one before you left was...”

“Surprised...” Remus thought for an uncomfortably long time, “or disappointed?”

 _“I don’t want you dead on top of everything else!_ _Merlin, Remus, how can you say that?”_

Instead of taking it back and apologising for the accusation, Remus simply sighed and turned off the tap. His palms were still bright red, from the boiling water or the blood, Sirius couldn’t tell. “Go back to bed, Sirius.” His voice was level and emotionless, still strange.

 _“Stop saying that!_ What’s got into you? It’s like you want me to go to bed hating you! What happened on your mission, Remus? Why’re you so... _different?_ “

Remus was thinking about how to answer or not answering at all. He stood facing the wall, red hands gripping the side of the sink, and overgrown hair falling into his eyes as he stared down. He looked like a statue, save for the rise and fall of his hunched shoulders.

“I’m sorry...” He managed. The gentle rise and fall morphed into violent shaking. “I shouldn’t have said that. This is why I d-didn’t want you to see this.”

“Fine.” Sirius stood and gave up. He sighed but then felt extremely guilty as Remus began fighting back sobs. “I’ll leave you alone... There’s probably some frozen meat in the freezer if you’re still hungry.”

Remus nodded without looking up or moving to look in the freezer. As long as Sirius was in the room, he wasn’t going to; it seemed. So, Sirius trudged back to their bedroom, shutting the door behind him with a soft _bang_. Alone again, he rested his head on the door and groaned.

He thought seeing Remus’ safe return would stop his anxiety. But seeing the state Remus was in made everything worse.

What was Dumbledore playing at? Did the crazy old loony want Remus to be killed? Sirius sighed again and heaved himself off the door. He threw his wand back to his bedside but missed, and it clattered to the floor, sending out multi-coloured sparks as it went. As if he never left, Sirius was back in that same position; awake and freezing on his side. He was still for so long that he went numb; there were horrid pins and needles across his entire right side, and they seemed to be ever-lasting. After even longer, the stream of light from under the crack of the door disappeared. Then the door opened, and a sheepish Remus stood in the darkness. 

He hovered silently. Sirius was waiting for him to say or do something but, he didn’t. Sirius let the silence pan out until it was unbearable. 

“Well?” Sirius mumbled. He was starring blearily at the wall of the room and Remus was a blur in his peripheral vision.

Remus shifted from foot to foot. The smell of shampoo wafted off him, and Sirius was glad he had a shower but cringed at the fact that he was wearing yesterday’s pyjamas he left, unwashed, in the bathroom. Sirius glanced to look at him properly and relaxed at the sight of Remus’ human fingernails, fiddling nervously with his hands.

“I... I didn’t know if you’d be OK with me - erm - sleeping in here.” Remus’ voice was now back to normal. “With you. After... y’know... _that -_ this...” He made a wild gesture to himself, chuckling dryly.

Sirius suddenly felt exhausted for the first time in weeks. Instead of replying, he closed his eyes.

“I’ll sleep on the sofa. I don’t mind.”

“No... I’ve missed you.”

Sirius lifted the duvet and shuddered at the gust of cold air. But he was incredibly warm as soon as Remus was laying beside him. There was a small smile on his face, and he reached out to rub Remus’ arm.

“I’m so glad you’re back. Really, and truly, I am. And I most definitely am not disappointed that you’re still alive. So forget whatever happened on that mission, OK? Doesn’t matter anymore. You’re back home now.”

Sirius opened his eyes to Remus, smiling back. It was strange that just shy of an hour ago he had blood dripping off him and now he looked soft, charming, and cute, just how he should look.

Under the duvet, Remus’ hand moved to place itself on top of Sirius’, which still rested on his arm. He ran his thumb over Sirius’ knuckles, who shuddered and grinned at the touch.

“I’m glad I’m back too.”

And just like that, Sirius fell asleep. 


	13. Tell him

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> marlene and sirius were definently each other's beards and no one can convince me otherwise! and yes this was inspired by that one moment in glee where santana catches dave looking at sam's ass before they run for prom king and queen together

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> also i've been thinking of turning this one into a full story?? no promises but keep your eyes peeled x

Marlene was in the closet. Frankly, she felt like she was trapped, locked deep in a rando’s wardrobe, screaming to get out. But no one could hear her and she was running out of breath, so she stayed put and shoved her queerness deep, deep down inside herself. Sometimes, it was like she was drowning, and all she wanted to do was swim to the surface for a gulp of air, but she couldn’t, no matter how much she wanted to. Other times, Marlene thought everyone knew just by looking at her. She’d walk down a corridor and everyone’s eyes would burn holes in the back of her head like they knew all her deepest, dirtiest secrets. Then she felt like she was suffocating or going to be sick, and usually would run to the toilets to cry her eyes out.

One afternoon, Marlene had run off from a study session with the other girls. She made a lame excuse to escape when the topic of boys came up (which filled her with indescribable dread) and was now hot-faced with tear-stained cheeks, speed walking back to her dorm, where she wanted nothing more than to ugly-sob into her pillow. In the past, she’d tried to convince herself that she liked one of the boys, so she’d choose the nicest boy to have a crush on. She told the girls she had a crush on Remus for months, but as much as she tried, of course, she never liked him. Nor any of the other boys she decided she fancied.

So she panicked. _Merlin, how could I get so pathetic?_ And kept her head ducked as she continued walking.

On the way back to the common room, Marlene spotted Sirius Black on the rarity she lifted her gaze. He was quite a way away, and she didn’t care enough to run up to him, so stayed walking behind him.

They were almost back at the common room when Marlene noticed something game-changing. She didn’t recognise who he was, a year or two above them for sure, but he was bent over his bag, sorting through it. In a very compromising position, she knew Mary would’ve cackled at. And, as he passed him, Sirius gawked at that boy’s arse like it was the last one left on earth. If that didn’t confirm something, his _extremely_ obvious lip bite did.

Was Sirius... no, how could he be? All those girlfriends. But that stare, he had to be. He was checking out his arse or checking to see what brand his jeans were - both equally gay. After the initial shock, a plan hit her. Maybe they could help each other...

Sirius was so far ahead now that he was already at the portrait hole.

“Sirius!” Marlene shouted. But he didn’t hear her and disappeared. “Shit. _Sirius!_ “

She ran to the Fat Lady, shouted the password at her and dashed into the common room. _“Shit.”_ She said again. Sirius was talking animatedly to James, looking like they were about to go up to their dorm. “Sirius! I have to talk to you!”

Sirius and James stopped walking and waited for Marlene to run up to them. “I... have to talk to you.” She panted. They stared at her blankly as if to say ‘go on, then.’ “Alone.” She glanced at James.

“Yeah, ‘course, Marls. Catch up with you later, mate?”

Marlene escorted Sirius back out of the common room and to an empty classroom. She made sure she locked the door before turning and facing Sirius. For a few seconds, she was opening and closing her mouth like a stunned fish that didn’t know what to say. How in Merlin’s name did you ask someone this?

“Well?” He raised an eyebrow.

“Erm... Please, don’t freak out and please don’t be offended...”

“What on earth is it, Marlene? Should I be worried?” Sirius looked at her like she had turned purple and sprouted a pair of horns. He chuckled dryly, like he was trying to think past wherever he thought this conversation was going but was failing miserably.

“Do you have - er - things figured out?”

He shrugged, “Like what?”

“Erm - what I mean is - do you know if you’re not...”

“If I’m not...” Sirius prompted, crossing his arms with boredom.

“...straight? It’s just that I saw you looking at that Ravenclaw’s arse and I thought -“

“What? Whatever you thought, you thought wrong! You can’t just ask people shit like that, Marlene, Merlin!”

“Well, are you?”

“Why do you care? Pining after me?”

“You’re dodging the question!”

“And you’re crazy!”

“I was just asking!” Marlene scoffed. “Merlin boys are so touchy! Fine, you like fanny, all you needed to do was to say so! This was stupid, I’ll see you later.”

Of course, she’d been wrong. Look at him, every girl’s dream (well, almost every), quidditch star, heartthrob... What was she expecting? Marlene felt stupid as she turned to leave the room. Embarrassed hotness overcame her, and she wished the floor would swallow her up and that she was better at _obliviate_ so that neither of them would ever have to think of that exchange ever again.

“Marls, wait! I - I don’t know... alright. But don’t you dare tell anyone, or I will kill you.”

 _I knew it_. Marlene froze and smirked, recollecting herself before turning back around. “Ditto.”

“Huh?”

“I’m gay.”

“Oh. That makes me feel loads better.” Sirius exhaled like he had been holding his breath for months. He was smiling for the first time since they entered that empty classroom. Making himself comfortable, he sat on a desk behind him.

 _Well, here goes. The reason I’m in here. Ask him. Just ask him, how hard can it be?_ “Go out with me?” She blurted. 

“You what? Are you pulling my leg?” He gripped the edge of the desk, his knuckles blanching. Again, he chuckled dryly. _Merlin, he thinks I’m making fun of him. This was a terrible idea, you idiot!_

“If you go out with me, who will question either of us? Two _totally_ straight dickheads going out with each other. That’s what I wanted to ask you.”

Sirius’ eyes glowed with realisation. He smirked, and his usual attitude had returned. _Thank fucking Merlin_. “Ah, very clever. Sure this isn’t a ploy to go out with me?”

“Merlin, you wish.”

“Then, yeah, alright. Just until I’ve got things figured out.”

“Exactly. Me too.”

~

Sirius and Marlene fake dated for months, even across the summer holiday and into their sixth year. Their ‘dates’ usually consisted of them hanging out in Hogsmead, playing quidditch or sneaking around to talk about whatever they wanted. It was the happiest Marlene had been in weeks, she’d told him. She no longer felt like she was walking on eggshells around everyone because she could tell Sirius almost anything she was bottling up, and Sirius had to admit he felt exactly the same. So he’d tell her everything, and soon enough, she knew that he fancied Remus, and he hadn’t decided if he regretted telling her or not. And, in return, he now knew that there was some mystery girl that had caught Marlene’s eye (even if she hadn’t outright admitted it).

“No...” Marlene said as soon as he told her. _“way!_ Everything makes so much sense now! Like, duh, of course, you fancy him!”

“Is it that obvious?” He chuckled nervously.

“No! Not before it wasn’t - No one in a million years will guess. But, now that I know... _I don’t know how I missed it!”_

“Merlin, when you put it like that...”

“You’re whipped, mate.” Marlene let out a cackle of a laugh. “Absolutely fucking whipped.”

What Sirius hadn’t expected out of this fake relationship was a wingman (or wingwoman, in Marlene’s case). Apart from the winks and annoying eyebrow wiggling whenever Sirius and Remus were so much as in the same room together, Marlene’s number one priority seemed to be getting Sirius to tell Remus how he felt. He was scared shitless that she was just going to tell him for him, but after many a reassurance, Sirius knew she was going to make him do it himself.

One afternoon, the Marauders were studying in the common room. Well, Remus was studying. James and Peter were in a heated gobstones tournament (which Sirius had already been disqualified from) and Sirius was watching with lazy enthusiasm. That was until Marlene burst through the portrait hole. She practically bounced off the walls as she ran, dodging past first years as she dashed up to the four boys.

“Sirius!” She panted, doubled over with her hands on her knees. “Sirius, come with me, right fucking now!” Suddenly, Sirius couldn’t have cared less about gobstones.

“Sorry, lads. Duty calls.”

Sirius could tell that James didn’t want him to leave, but out of politeness, he didn’t say so. “Alright. Don’t be long, we’ve got our _extra credit_ to do and we’re planning the postponed quidditch victory party for tomorrow, so don’t stay up all night snogging.”

“Oh, cut it out, Potter! It’s not like I don’t know about your stupid pranks.” Marlene straightened up and offered him her hand. “C’mon, Sirius, let’s go!”

He accepted her offer and didn’t dare look at Remus’ reaction.

Marlene was almost squealing with excitement on the way to their empty classroom. It was the same one they always used. As soon as the door shut behind them, Marlene started talking.

“You’ll never guess what Lily let slip!”

“What?” Sirius snorted. “Is she gay too?”

“No, you moron! Remus!”

A horrid flurry of panic raced through him. “You didn’t tell her about me, did you?”

“No, of course, not! I’ve been onto both of them for ages. It was so obvious that Lily knew _something_ , so, I pretended that I already knew. And guess what?”

_“What?”_

“He has a secret that he doesn’t want _you_ to know! AKA, he fancies the shit out of you! Merlin, mate, you owe me a million!”

“You can’t just jump to conclusions like that. Remus has tons of secrets. This could be about _anything_. Once, he didn’t want to tell us that he’d nicked some answers to a potions test. Trust me, you’re looking too deep into this.”

“No, I’m not! You didn’t see the look on Lily’s face!”

Sirius huffed and folded his arms. He wanted to believe her, but what was the point of getting his hopes up, if only to have them crushed later?

“Fine. You don’t believe me. Just you wait until the party tomorrow, I bet he’ll be miserable the entire night because no one can keep big secrets like this. You couldn’t. And seeing us together must be horrible.”

Marlene didn’t know Remus as well as she thought she did, but then again, Remus’ secrets did seem to have a way of revealing themselves. Sirius thought about the upcoming party, hypothetically telling Remus, and frowned. _Merlin, kill me now._

~

Sirius’ arms were modestly wrapped around Marlene’s waist, and her arms were draped across his shoulders. It was the night of the party, and as they were swaying back and forth, Sirius couldn’t keep his eyes off a certain tawny-haired werewolf. Remus was standing at the other side of the common room, sipping away at his drink, cigarette held between his slender fingers, and observing the rest of the party. He didn’t have to do anything, and Sirius’ eyes would be on him. Like if he looked away, he’d miss something and regret it for the rest of his life.

As Remus drained more and more of his drink, the wider his smile got, and the more lovesick Sirius felt. He let his mind wander, forgetting for a moment that he was wrapped up and slow-dancing with Marlene in the heart of the common room, and he thought about _everything_ he would let Remus do to him. Every fantasy was wilder than the last, and he had to snap himself out of it so he didn’t accidentally start drooling all over Marlene’s hair.

Sirius thought he was far enough away that he could stare and stare and that nobody would notice but, there was still a flare of panic in his belly when anyone so much as glanced at him. The slight risk made it fun. The thought that someone would look at him and know all the exact details of his daydream (which included too much name calling, Sirius could admit) was almost as hot as Remus himself. The adrenaline of it all sent a wicked grin to his face, which was rested on Marlene’s head. She must’ve felt it because she snicked into his chest.

“What’s so funny?” Sirius said to her, but his eyes were still fixed on Remus.

“Nothing... you’re just so smitten.” Marlene laughed again. Sirius felt her smile against his chest.

“You’re no better, and I don’t even know who your ‘mystery girl’ is.”

There was a flutter of something in his belly when Remus laughed.

“There isn’t a ‘mystery girl’, you’ve just made that up!” Marlene didn’t sound like she believed herself, but she brushed it off with, “anyway, this is about you.”

“Is it?”

“Yes... I really think you should talk to him.”

Sirius sighed, his adrenaline fizzling out like the foam of a muggle fizzy drink. “You know I can’t.”

“You can, but you won’t! I’ve talked to Lily, and she sure seems to think he has a secret he doesn’t want _you_ to find out! I wouldn’t keep pushing this if I didn’t think he, at least, plays for our quidditch team.”

“You don’t know that. I don’t want to risk anything, and I’d much rather have him as my friend than lose him completely.”

“Fine. Even if he isn’t, do you really think Remus would abandon _you_ because of it? Because I don’t think he wants to lose you either, no matter who you fancy.”

Sirius knew his answer but didn’t want to admit that Marlene was right. As she said it, Remus was smiling and laughing again, and he knew in his heart of hearts that, _of course, he wouldn’t abandon me._

He huffed, blowing flyaway strands of her hair, and said, “you’re the worst girlfriend in the world.”

“Fake girlfriend. I wouldn’t go out with you even if you were the fittest bird I’d ever seen,” Marlene said. Suddenly, she laughed and added, “Plus, I don’t go out with cowards who don’t make the first move.”

“I’m not a coward.”

“Yeah? Prove it. Tell him.”

As Sirius thought of what to do, he didn’t stop staring. He watched as Remus took another sip of his drink before someone obscured his line of sight, and scowled as the girl walked in front of Remus, but then, the same panic arose when she disappeared, and Remus was looking right back at him. He looked away sharply before Remus could realise he was staring. His heart was hammering, and he sighed in defeat.

_Fuck you, Remus... Merlin, I am a coward._

“Fine,” was all he said, and all it took for Marlene to let go of him and give him a tight squeeze before shoving him in Remus’ direction. Her face was screwed up with mischievous glee.

“Go get ‘em, tiger!” She flipped him two thumbs up.

Marlene’s comment didn’t help, nor did it subdue any of what felt like thousands of terrible feelings rushing through him. Both a lifetime and a split second passed as he dodged past the other sickly sweet, slow dancing couples and the sweat and booze of the rest of the party. Remus could either tell something was up or his firewhiskey was doing the talking because he had a smirk on his face and looked Sirius up and down when he reached him.

Sirius smiled, his nerves stealing his words. He opened his mouth to speak, but Remus leaned in to shout in his ear over the loud music, which had now switched to something more dancey, that couldn’t have been further from what Sirius was feeling. “Why’re you so nervous? It’s just me.” His hot breath tickled the back of Sirius’ neck.

Remus pulled back and waited for an answer. But all Sirius was saying was a string of stutters that Remus laughed at. He looked back to where he’d come, but Marlene had disappeared, so he couldn’t mouth at her to rescue him.

Turning back to Remus, he said, “Marlene told me to talk to you.”

Remus laughed again. One of his shameless laughs that he only let himself make when he was drunk, where his smile was wide and his eyes were glowing. He chucked his head back and finished his drink, and snuffed out his cigarette against the wall. “You don’t have to talk to me. I’m fine all on my own.”

“No... it’s not that.”

“What is it then? Or do I have to guess?”

Everyone else in the room was looking at them. Sirius knew they were. They all knew what he wanted to say and, suddenly, the fun risk of being caught felt like a death penalty.

“Can... can we go upstairs? There are too many people here.”

“Sirius, has something happened? Merlin, you’ve gone entirely red. Have you got a fever?” Remus reached out the back of his hand to feel Sirius’ forehead, but he swatted it away and glanced around them, checking and double-checking that no one saw.

“No! Please, just come.”

Remus nodded, and they’d made it to the middle of the stairs up to their dorm when Sirius realised his panic hadn’t gone away. The door slammed behind them, which sent the staircase into almost pitch blackness and made Sirius jump. He stopped mid-step, and Remus walked right into him.

“Sirius! You alright?”

No. No, he was not alright. The beautiful git. Marls was pulling his fucking leg. She had to be because this was turning out to be the worst decision Sirius had ever made in his life (and he once tried to bleach his hair the muggle way). He couldn’t do this - there was no way in hell that he could! Sirius would gladly be a coward for the rest of my life if it meant avoiding… _this_!

Sirius turned and tried to dash back downstairs, but Remus grabbed his forearm and kept him stuck in place. He tried to jerk his arm free, but he couldn’t even move it. “What’s wrong, Pads? Please, tell me. Don’t run away. It’s just me.”

_That’s the fucking problem!_

“Please, let go.” His mind was violently screaming, but Sirius could barely hear his voice. Remus’ grip didn’t waver, and he was so strong that Sirius couldn’t escape it. They stayed, silently fighting on two different steps as a small candle flickered above their heads. “Let go!”

“What’s wrong?”

“I don’t want to tell you anymore, just let go of me!”

Remus didn’t let go, but he loosened his grip, and blood could flow back to Sirius’ arm. Even if he was freed, Remus was still blocking the stairs, and there was no way Sirius was going to wiggle past him.

_“What’s wrong?”_

“Let go of my bloody arm, Remus!”

He didn’t. But then he reached and grabbed Sirius’ other arm. With that hand, he rubbed consolingly.

“It’s OK, Sirius. It’s OK. I don’t care what it is. I just want you to be alright.” His voice was pleading and desperate, like he was begging for forgiveness, which was quite offputting, and Remus had dropped his voice to a whisper. With every rub up and down his arm, Sirius melted into Remus’ touch. His shoulders quivered, and he tried one last time to wrench his arm back, before giving up completely.

There was a stair between them until there wasn’t, and Remus was closer. Sirius kept his mouth tightly shut, in fear that he would spill his guts and more. His eyes were firmly glued to Remus’, and he was not letting them wander when Remus was this acute to everything he was doing (even if he was wildly tempted to).

The candlelight flickered in Remus’ eyes and across his face, although half of it was cast in dark shadow. It was strange, how long they stayed, staring in silence and that, even if he wanted to, Sirius didn’t know what to say.

Remus’ hand stopped rubbing. Instead, it trailed its way up Sirius’ arm (and left a trail of goosebumps and tingles in its wake) and rested on his shoulder. His fingers were warm and sweaty, and Sirius gasped when Remus’ thumb began tracing small circles at the bottom of his neck.

_Fuck, me._

“What... are you doing?”His voice was a breathy whisper.

Remus didn’t answer.

“Moony?”

It was so chaste and quick that if he blinked, Sirius would’ve missed it. The flicker of Remus’ eyes down, then back up sent a wave of his earlier fantasies to the forefront of his mind. Filled with the same adrenaline, he leaned into Remus’ touch and let his eyes wander. Down, slowly, past Remus’ lips, then back up again where they _lingered_.

It wasn’t sudden and passionate like Sirius had imagined it. He didn’t know what he was doing; hesitated jerks of their heads as they got closer and half-closed, unsure eyes before Remus leaned in and their mouths met.

Sirius’ mind went slightly blank before he realised what he was doing. The grip on his forearm was gone, replaced by long fingers interlocking with his. His heart was thumping in his head, and he felt his pulse right where Remus’ thumb pressed on his neck until his hand moved, and his fingers were running through Sirius’ hair. Sirius almost whimpered at the beautiful feeling.

Remus tasted of firewhiskey, which sent sharp, hot tingles across Sirius’ mouth. Sirius’ freehand was limp by his side until he brought it up to Remus’ waist, pulling him closer until there was barely a gap between them at all. He was sweaty, and boiling hot so Sirius yanked him closer still, just for good measure.

When Remus pulled away, Sirius kept his eyes closed for a moment longer to set that _wonderful_ feeling into his long-term memory. He grinned and opened them when Remus spoke.

“Was that it?” He whispered. Sirius nodded, breathless and lost for words. A silence passed before, “I knew you were staring at me. All party long, I could feel you burning holes in the back of my head.”

“Am I that obvious?”

“No. I just know when it’s you. You’re very intense, and I know you do it often.”

Sirius’ face heated up. So much for being discrete. “Sorry.”

“Don’t be...” Remus sighed, the small chuckle whisked off his face as his eyebrows knitted in thought. “We shouldn’t do this.” As he said this, however, he made no move to remove the hand still tangled in Sirius’ hair or unclasp their interlocked fingers. He didn’t put a step gap between them, and it was like Sirius’ hand wasn’t still hanging off his hips.

Sirius squeezed his hand.

“I know...”

They hesitated again before their lips fiercely reconnected, and somehow the second kiss was better than the first. Marlene would have a fit when he told her about _this_.


	14. the seaside

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i've been going back and forth with this one for ages, and it was very, very hard to finish, might be a bit all over the place but i can't get 'marauders at the beach' out of my head so, here you go! x

The salty wind blew past Remus’ face as he sat at the shore, watching his friends muck about in the sea. They (the Marauders and the girls, that is) were all at the coast, somewhere off Cornwall, for one last hurrah before their final year at school. It was sunset. But the shrieks and laughs from the others as they splashed each other told Remus they would be there for a while longer.

Remus dipped his foot in the water earlier but it was freezing, and Sirius kept on throwing sand at him so now was happy sitting and observing. He couldn’t swim anyway, so was thoroughly relaxed that far away from the water. Standing by the sea was horrid because, every few minutes, he was checking to make sure no one was going to dump sand over his head. James thought it was hilarious to hurl wet sand at _everyone_ but, Remus thought it was a stupid ploy to get Lily into the water with him. To give a man credit where credit’s due, he and Lily were getting along swimmingly as of recently.

Remus didn’t know where his shoes and socks disappeared to but, he didn’t mind dry sand. It was very satisfying digging his feet into it to see how far he could get before his whole foot was completely buried. As Remus sat on a moss-covered rock, he twiddled the sand between his toes.

Suddenly, water droplets dripped onto the sand in front of his feet and the familiar citrusy scent of Sirius filled the surrounding air. Remus looked up and was met by cheerful, grey eyes. Sirius was dripping from head to toe, his hair lost its volume, and there were drops of water hanging off the tip of his nose and his eyelashes. There were grains of sand covering his chest, arms, and legs, which Remus thought looked very uncomfortable.

“You OK all by yourself, Moony?”

“Yeah, fine. Very peaceful over here without you lot..”

Sirius grinned, paused, and thought for a moment. “Will you ever come into the water? It’s not the same without you! I promise I’ll stop throwing stuff... well, _I_ will but, I think Prongs is in some sort of frenzy.”

Remus laughed and looked past Sirius to James, Lily and Peter who were all still by the water. James wasn’t throwing sand, though. He was in the sea along with Lily.

“I haven’t learnt how to swim in the past ten minutes, Pads.”

“Well, at least stop sitting all by yourself. Come,” Sirius offered out his hand, “and built a sandcastle with me or lob some sand at Prongs. Please?”

Chuckling, Remus took his hand and allowed himself to be pulled onto his feet. “Fine. But, if _I_ end up with a face full of fucking sand, I will hex both of you.”

Sirius lit up and dragged Remus to the water. They didn’t let go of each other’s hand until they reached it. Peter was already hard at work on a sandcastle, and James and Lily were wading, chasing and splashing each other. Peter’s sandcastle was very grand considering he’d been doing things the muggle way. It had a moat and a drawbridge that Peter pointed out as soon as they arrived.

“Well done, Wormtail! You’ve done all the dirty work for me! Now, all it needs is a flag.” Sirius took out his wand from a pocket in his swimming trunks, charmed a small, Gryffindor-coloured flag to pop out of the end, and stuck it into the sand. It flapped in the gentle breeze. “Perfect! ... now what?”

“You destroy it,” Remus said. “There’s nothing like destroying a sandcastle someone’s left behind.”

Peter groaned, “What? I did all this for you to destroy it?” 

“Erm... Yes!” Sirius stomped on the mound of sand and, the castle was no more. However, his wand toppled off the top and splashed into the sea. “Shit!” He dashed after it.

“I give up Moony.” Peter yawned and stretched his arms high above his head, “I’m going to find the others and see if they found something to transfigure into a tent yet. See yous lot in a bit!” He turned and disappeared into the woods. 

“Don’t get lost!” Remus shouted after him.

“I won’t!”

“See you, Wormy!” James said.

 _“Oi!_ Sirius, get off me!”

“I’m trying to find my wand, Evans! I don’t want it to get swept out to sea and lost for all eternity!”

“Sirius! You’ve made me crack my bloody glasses!”

“Sorry! Could you move, Prongs? It’s my wand, you see.”

“You made me fall into the sand _again_ , dickhead!”

 _“Sorry_ , guys, I didn’t mean to... Found it!” Sirius jumped out of the water, holding his wand above his head, the flag still flapping at its end. He was grinning, but Lily didn’t look too impressed. Her swimsuit was again covered in sand. And James was cross-eyed, looking at the large crack in his glasses’ lens.

“Are you two alright?” Remus asked, stifling a laugh.

“Fine. I think I’m finished in the water for tonight.” Lily looked out at the setting sun, it was a beautiful orangey pink. “It’s a bit late.”

“Me too,” James said. He’d taken off his glasses to get a better look at the crack but, realising his mistake, just put them back on. “I’ve not got my wand on me to fix these. And, no, I do not trust you and that flag, Padfoot.”

And just like that, Remus and Sirius were alone. They both watched as James and Lily retired to the trees with their fingers intertwined and Sirius swooned.

“Hard work really does pay off, eh, Moony?”

“Yeah. It’s been a long time coming.”

Sirius went quiet. His face was slightly screwed, and Remus knew he was thinking about something.

“What is it?”

“Please, will you come into the water with me? We don’t have to go that deep and, I promise I’ll hold your hand the entire time if you want me to so you don’t float away!”

Remus sighed. He looked at the water, and his chest tightened. He couldn’t see where it ended, even with his excellent eyesight. Something in his gut told him it was a bad idea. Every possible worst consequence flashed through his mind, and he shuddered involuntarily.

“Sirius, I don’t -“

“Please...” Sirius rose onto his tiptoes to whisper into Remus’ ear, _“We’re all alone now... you don’t need to be scared.”_

Suddenly, his gut was screaming, _Yes! Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! Get in the water with Sirius! Do it!_

“I - alright then.”

Sirius beamed. Rising onto his tiptoes again, he gave Remus a kiss out of excitement.

“Stop, you taste all salty!”

Sirius started tugging at Remus’ jumper. “Come on, Moony, you can’t swim in that! You are wearing trunks, aren’t you?”

“Yes, I am!” Sirius smirked and looked him up and down. “And no, even if I wasn’t, we are not going skinny dipping!”

“Stop ruining all my fun and take your clothes off! You know what I mean, don’t give me that face!”

After Remus undressed, he left his clothes (along with Sirius’ wand) in a pile far away so the tide wouldn’t sweep them away. Sirius, as promised, grabbed onto his hand as they stepped into the sea. Remus almost screamed when the icy water ran across his bare skin.

 _“Shit!_ Sirius, it’s worse than before! It’s fucking freezing!”

Sirius smirked and squeezed his hand tighter.

“That’s because the sun is setting. You have to just dive in! Then it’s all over at once!”

“Dive in? Have you gone mad? I _can’t_ swim!” Remus shuddered when another equally freezing wave ran between his toes.

“It’s like the difference between dying slowly and dying just like that,” Sirius clicked his fingers. “Trust me.”

Suddenly, Sirius kicked the water and Remus yelped as it splashed his legs.

 _“Sirius!_ You’re going to fucking pay!” Remus kicked back, sending a wave at Sirius’ torso, who shrieked and tried to run away. But, Remus’ grip was so firm around his hand that he only shrieked louder.

_“Moony!”_

Their splashing match lasted until they were shin-deep. Remus was alright letting go of Sirius’ hand if they weren’t doing any actual swimming so, he kicked and splashed and waded as fast as he could to escape Sirius splashing him back. Sirius’ shrieks whenever he was splashed were so high pitched that Remus let out an ugly cackle every time that noise escaped his lips. After a while, Remus found his cheeks tingling because he was smiling so much and the water was getting warmer, little by little.

Eventually, Sirius gave up on wading and gracefully dived into the water. He disappeared before bobbing up far out to sea (or at least far enough that Remus couldn’t swim to him).

 _“Oi!_ Come back, dickhead!”

“Or what?”

“Or I won’t be able to get to you!”

“Try!” Sirius shouted. “Come as far as you can!”

Remus was chest-deep when he stopped. As far as the eye could see was black (even if he was looking right at Sirius). It was frightful how quickly the sunlight vanished.

“I can’t go any further!”

Sirius disappeared under the water again before he reappeared inches away from Remus face, who took a slow step back out of surprise. The water couldn’t have been up to his shoulders (Sirius wasn’t _that_ short) but Remus soon realised he was treading water when Sirius accidentally kicked him in the shin.

“Don’t panic. If you panic, it all gets worse,” Sirius said. He brushed the hair out of his eyes and spat seawater out of his mouth.

“I’m not panicking...”

Remus took deep breaths as he stared out at the inky blackness. He could feel his feet on the seafloor, but he could also feel himself being swept away. It was a terrible idea even coming out this far! It was a miracle he hadn’t already drowned!

“No - I am. Sirius - I - no - I want to go back.”

“Moony,” Sirius stood up. His shoulders rose out of the water as he reached out and cupped Remus’ cheeks. “you will not get carried away....” He kissed Remus’ forehead. “I know what.”

“What?”

“Hold on to me,” Sirius said.

“What?”

“I’ll float, and you’ll be fine. Just hold on to me, and you’ll be fine.”

Slowly, Sirius guided Remus’ hands and draped them across his shoulders. Remus wrapped his arms around Sirius’ neck and his legs found Sirius’ waist.

“Better?” Sirius asked.

Remus nodded, chuckling. “Better. It’s not too bad like this.”

“Now I’m doing all the dirty work! I need to teach you how to swim!”

“No, you fucking don’t. I’m more than happy like this...”

Sirius said nothing, smirking instead.

The silence that followed was drowned out by the sloshing of the surrounding waves. Absentmindedly, Remus started playing with Sirius’ hair. He twiddled it around his fingers and almost laughed at how dry it was.

“I don’t think your hair likes saltwater,” Remus said.

Sirius laughed and reached to run his fingers through Remus’, “Neither does yours...”

It was proper nighttime now, and the water was getting colder and colder. A sharp gust of wind sent a shiver down Remus’ spine and carried goosebumps down his arms.

“It’s getting a bit chilly now, isn’t it? We should head back.” Remus shivered.

“No,” Sirius’ hands trailed down from Remus’ hair to his cheeks. They were warm, and his fingertips were pruned. His voice was low and nasally, and his lips were turning purple. “I want some alone time. Just us.” He rested their foreheads together and closed his eyes.

Sirius’ lips still tasted salty but, Remus couldn’t find it in him to care, so just deepened the kiss. His hands went from dangling to grasping as they found their way to Sirius’ neck. Snogging definitely warmed him up, so as long as they were in the water, Remus couldn’t fathom pulling away. So he didn’t. They snogged and groped and moaned until Sirius suddenly pulled away.

“I know something else,” he said. Remus scowled as another gust of wind sent another horrible shiver across his shoulders. “Don’t look at me like that, Moony!”

“I wasn’t looking at you like anything! You’re forgetting how freezing it is out here.”

“I know how to warm you up.”

“If it’s not snogging, I’m not interested.” Remus leaned in to kiss him again, but Sirius moved his head and planted a kiss on Remus’ ear.

“It’s only cold out of the water,” he whispered.

Remus groaned, banging his head on Sirius’ shoulder. “No,” he mumbled. “I’m not swimming.”

“I want to show you something.”

_“What?”_

Sirius untangled Remus’ arms slung across his shoulders and took his hands in his. Lifting his head up, Remus scowled, “W-what?”, as his teeth started chattering.

Raising an arm, Sirius pointed to the sky. Remus followed this with his eyes, but Sirius stopped him with a hand on the back of his neck.

“Not like that... you have to lie back.”

“S-Sirius-“

“You have to, Moony, or I can’t show you properly. Trust me, I won’t let you drown.”

“God, you’re insufferable.”

It was a surprise to Remus that he agreed. And, even more surprising, the moment he let his feet lift off the seafloor and was floating on his back wasn’t as scary as he thought. The only thing stopping Remus from screaming out for help was the pressure of Sirius’ hands on his shoulder blades. He was the only thing keeping him afloat (which caused a flurry of panic in his chest, so he ignored that). The sound of his breathing was all he could hear through the water in his ears. It was a strange sort of comfort; almost like a reminder that he was still alive. He looked up at the clear night’s sky and strained his eyes looking back at Sirius’ smug, grinning face.

 _“Look at all the stars.”_ Sirius’ voice was muffled through seawater. _“Aren’t they better from such a nice angle?”_

_“You sneaky bastard.”_

_“Yep. That’s me. And, thanks to this bastard, you might as well add ‘can swim’ to your ever-growing list of skills.”_

_“This isn’t swimming.”_

_“It’s the first step.”_

Remus stuck out his tongue and looked back to the stars. They really were beautiful this far away from the city. Like a million tiny spotlights shining down on them. He scanned the stars and his eyes found Sirius (the star not the annoying prat behind him) which sent a small smile to Remus’ face.

Sirius’ thumb started rubbing his shoulder. _“I could stay here forever.”_

_“Me too... maybe we could. Y’know, after school. I don’t want to live in the city anymore...”_

Sirius leaned further over him and smiled. Small drops of water dripped from Sirius’ torso and Remus’ hands as he reached up to pull Sirius’ face closer. Sirius’ hands still remained holding him up, and as Remus looked up at his face, his pale skin almost glowed when cast against the inky sky. Remus let his eyes flutter closer, letting himself float on top of Sirius’ firm grip. It was warmer under the water and, Sirius’ breath, his body, radiated craved heat.

_“I’d like that.”_

Sirius reconnected their lips, and the night stretched on. Like they _were_ going to stay there forever.


	15. the most depressing birthday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sirius' last birthday at school vs his last birthday ever :)

“Can I open my eyes now? Please!” Sirius pleaded, bouncing on the balls of his feet. Remus’ hands were sweaty, pressed firmly over his eyes so he couldn’t even peep at the surprise if he wanted to. You only turned eighteen once (yet the marauders usually treated all birthdays like this) so the others wanted it to be their best party yet.

“Not yet!” James said from somewhere in front of him.

“Go on, Moony, you know you want to!”

“No!”

Sirius groaned. “You’re killing me!”

Remus stopped walking, leaving Sirius to guess where on earth everyone else was. He reached out in front of him and hit someone who screamed.

“Ow! Just because you can’t see, doesn’t mean you have to go around whacking people, you twat!” Lily said. Sirius held his hands up in surrender.

Remus guided Sirius forward, his hands pressed even harder over his eyes so he wouldn’t dare ruin the surprise. “Right, you ready Padfoot?”

“Yes! Been ready, mate!”

“Alright, then... Three!” they chanted, “Two! One! _Surprise! Happy birthday!”_

Remus whisked his hands away, and Sirius gasped. His smile turned to a great big laugh, and he actually jumped with excitement. The room had outdone itself. Coloured lights flashed and changed over an oval roller skating rink, which was out-skirted by American-style booths and a cocktail bar. To one wall was a rack of skates, and next to that was a DJ booth (which was really a table with a record player and all of Sirius’ favourite records). Birthday decorations hung from the ceiling around the largest booth, where his cake sat grandly, and multicoloured helium balloons floated around it near a birthday banner that read, _‘Happy Birthday Sirius!’_ Sirius was gaping at the sight of it. It was _perfect!_ He took a slow circle round, examining the room before jumping again and throwing himself at Remus to give him the biggest hug in the world.

“ _Wow_ ,” Sirius opened one of his arms and beckoned everyone else to join the hug. First Marlene, who was closest, then Dorcus and Mary, Lily (who hugged _very_ tightly), Peter and finally James, who couldn’t even get his arms around everyone. “I don’t know what to say!” His voice was muffled by the enormous hug. “Merlin’s beard, look at this place! _Thank you!_ This is going to be the best birthday _ever_!”

They started with the cake. It was two gooey layers, (the other Marauders couldn’t bear to make it any bigger), chocolate, and had eighteen candles which James lit with a flick of his wand - it was the best cake Sirius had ever eaten. He blew out his candles after an out-of-tune rendition of ‘Happy Birthday’ and made a wish before they all tucked it.

“Ooh! What did you wish for, Sirius!” Marlene said, party horn in her mouth.

“He can’t tell you! Otherwise, It’ll never come true!” Lily replied.

Marlene gave him a pleading look, so he flipped her off.

The cake was _delicious_ , but Sirius could only eat two and a bit slices before he was getting full. Besides, he didn’t want to throw up on the roller rink (there was a _roller rink!_ an _actual_ roller rink!), so he saved the rest for later. Peter and Remus, however, weren’t worried about vomiting at all; they both had at least four slices, and Peter swore he could’ve eaten more if Lily hadn’t begged him to stop (“Pete, you’re making me feel sick! If you have another bite, I might throw up myself!”) Party poppers, party hats, streamers, party horns all got distributed, and Sirius ended up wearing his Gryffindor party hat for most of the evening.

They’d done presents that morning, Sirius being as impatient as he was, so after cake things got quite messy. Mary appointed herself the role of DJ, and Peter was her unwilling assistant (Lily wasn’t pestering him about cake over there, so he obliged, cake in hand). James and Lily and Dorcus and Marlene were skating, holding hands as they looped the rink. Sirius and Remus, however, made their way to the bar, which Sirius climbed behind and pretended to tend. He started getting out the ingredients to make mimosas.

“Do you even know what a mimosa is, Pads?” Remus asked, laughing as Sirius lined up a diverse collection of alcohol. “Can’t I have a shot instead?”

“No way, Moony, birthday boy’s orders. Now, do I use firewhiskey or this muggle vodka?” He held them up to decide.

“Neither, they’re just orange champagne! The sort of drinks boring mums have at brunch!”

“Nonsense! Stick a paper umbrella in anything, it’s a mimosa to me!”

Remus shook his head, “You don’t put umbrellas in mimosas.”

Sirius stuck his tongue out at him, choosing the vodka to pour into the mixer. He then dumped in a scoop of ice, and a long pour of fizzy orange. He gave it a good shake, before pouring some in each of the cocktail glasses he’d found.

“Now, Moony, what colour umbrella can I interest you in? I have Blue, yellow, green and pink.” Sirius smirked, loving the reaction he was getting.

Remus sighed, trying his hardest not to smile. “Green?”

“Sure.” Sirius plopped a green umbrella in Remus’ drink and slid it towards him. “Hmm...” He examined the bag of umbrellas, “do you think Prongs will mind a pink one?”

Remus shook his head and finished his drink in a few gulps. He shuddered and smacked his lips, “Bloody hell, that’s strong! Try some.”

Sirius chose himself a mimosa with a green umbrella too, and he pinched his nose before taking a sip. He winced, finishing the drink in painful gulps. Maybe they were a bit too strong.

“You should’ve seen your fucking face!” Remus laughed, head thrown back, eyes scrunched tight.

“I think you’re.... exaggerating,” Sirius said, between shocks of the strong drink. He found his tongue was exceptionally dry and suddenly felt like he had a sore throat.

“Oh, really?”

“Yeah. Not strong at all. Child’s play.”

Remus shook his head and poured himself another drink, his umbrella on the bar next to it. “Whatever you say, Padfoot.”

“Hey, you’re umbrella! Don’t you like it?” Sirius frowned, picking it up and twirling it between his fingers. Remus shrugged, mid gulp. “I know what,” Sirius grinned. He reached over and tucked the umbrella behind Remus’ ear. He pulled his own umbrella out of his drink and stuck it behind his ear as well. “Perfect, don’t you think?”

Remus sighed, laughed and agreed.

Everyone finished their drinks in record time. Lily had collected hers to-go and was skating around with it, and Mary and Peter had a small army of empty glasses around their DJ booth, and James chugged two at the bar before racing back to the rink.

Sirius came out from behind the bar, and he and Remus joined the others, skating, even though Remus was clinging to Sirius’ arm for dear life (like flying, roller skating didn’t agree with him). When Remus wasn’t losing his balance, the pair of them were looping the rink, hand in hand, for what felt like hours. It was brilliant. Remus also skated and chatted with Lily, and Sirius with James, and occasionally, they’d all skate together in one long line like they were all joint at the hip and they’d spout out whatever nonsense came to mind. Because who cared!

Later on, Marlene suggested they play a game, and everyone started chasing each other around in a Marauders-rendition of cops and robbers. It started innocently enough, but Sirius (a cop) got a few more drinks (this batch was _stronger_ than the first) in his system and started taking it a bit too seriously. Remus and Lily (both robbers) were running from him, both hysterical, and Remus had taken off his skates so he could actually run away, so was sliding about the rink in his socks, which only made the hysterics even worse. The room was full of shrieks, cries, shouts, and chaos, and Sirius couldn’t have wished for anything else!

Birthdays normally consisted of a big party in the common room, where the entire school would probably show up (minus the Slytherins, of course.) Those were fun, but they weren’t _this_. Nothing was ever like this anymore. What with the war rearing its ugly head. Maybe that’s why this felt so special - because Sirius knew this would be the last so he was making himself have the best time humanly possible, so when it was all ripped away, he’d have something absolutely glorious to look back on.

The game lasted until Lily decided she wanted to sit out for a bit and Remus happily joined her, Dorcus and Marlene. Giving Sirius a sly kiss goodbye, Remus left him and James to zoom about the rink by themselves and Mary and Peter to return to the DJ booth.

Sirius had done little roller skating before, but he was good at ice skating, and they were practically the same thing. He and James were looping around the rink, past the girls and Remus, running circles around each other. Occasionally, Sirius found the hem on his jeans, got snagged in his wheels (they were flares, so it was to be expected) so when he was skating backwards he took extra care. It felt like they were gliding across the floor, and after a while, Peter joined them, zipping back and forth and making sure not to run Remus or the girls over. It was all very impressive, considering how much was drank between the three of them.

Sirius cast a cheeky glance over at Remus and the girls, noticed they all now had umbrellas tucked behind their ears, and grinned. Remus was sat against the side of the rink, eyes closed, taking in the music. Sirius couldn’t keep his eyes off him. His gaze wandered up and down his long, exposed neck and his fingertips tingled at the thought of running his fingers through his hair, of brushing stray strands off his forehead.

“Oi! Watch where you’re going, mate!” James skilfully swerved around him; Sirius almost crashed right into him.

“Sorry! Got distracted.”

James wriggled his eyebrows, and Sirius shoved him. A little harder than necessary - James ended up on the floor, rubbing his backside.

“Hey! What was that for?”

“Being a nosy prick.”

Both Peter and James asked about the umbrella, and a few minuted later they returned to the rink, a pink umbrella behind James’ ear and a blue one behind Peter’s. Mary also caught on to the trend, and she left the DJ booth and joined Remus and the girls after a few elegant laps, a yellow umbrella behind her ear as well. Sirius grin got wider, and he had to fight back a girly squeal.

Mary left the same song, loudly, on repeat, which, with the flashing lights, only added to the madness. Sirius sped around the rink, freely, dopily, until he tired himself out and stopped in front of Remus.

“Moony?”

All that time, Remus’ eyes had been closed. He opened them carefully, like he’d been asleep, but he lit up when he blinked and saw Sirius, hand outstretched.

“May I have this dance?”

“It would be my pleasure.” He grinned as he took Sirius’ hand and let himself be pulled to his feet.

Remus’ hand was warm. As he held it, Sirius grinned stupidly, as if he hadn’t held Remus’ hand a million times before. The song playing wasn’t particularly romantic, but with Moony anything was lovey-dovey if they wanted it to be.

“This is the best birthday of my life, you know,” Sirius gushed.

Remus looked at him and squeezed his hand. “The surprise was alright, then?”

“It was brilliant!” In fairness, it wasn’t much of a surprise. James had let slip they were planning something weeks ago, but they both agreed to forget that. James was never any good at lying. Even so, this was more than he could have imagined. “Really, it’s amazing.”

“So glad you like it, Pads. We all wanted it to be perfect and no one could decide what you’d prefer - a disco or roller skating. It was such a hassle and not telling you was torture!”

“Well, you all did an excellent job. It’s perfect.”

They slowly lapped the rink for a while before Sirius got bored with skating and wanted to dance. So he and Remus kicked their skates off and danced to their hearts’ content. Wrapped up in each other, jumping and thrashing and swaying to no particular beat. Finally, the song changed, and Sirius looked over to see Lily putting on a different record. It must’ve been a crowd favourite, because before he knew it, all their skates had been abandoned and the lot of them were up, dancing in their socks, slipping about on the polished wood floor.

Sirius grinned up at Remus, wrapping his arms around him and squeezing and never wanting to let go. They swayed like that, Remus spun him around (to which Sirius yelped embracingly) and they belted out lyrics like they were at a concert where their screaming voiced would be drowned out, but they weren’t and Sirius couldn’t even hear the song over their horrid singing.

“I almost forgot!” Lily shouted suddenly. She slipped to the other side of the rink where the pile of their shoes and skates were, and returned with her Polaroid camera. “We have to take a picture! _Boys!_ Photo time!” She brandished the camera and waved it about.

Sirius beamed. “ _Yes!_ Excellent idea, Evans!”

He let go of Remus and rushed over to her, as she balanced it on the side of the rink. The lot of them crowded around the camera, and Sirius couldn’t have been more excited to take a stupid photo.

“Sirius, you get in the front!” Lily directed.

“Don’t have to tell me twice!”

They all scrambled to get into the right place.

“Because you’re short, idiot! Everyone in!”

“Ouch, Mary, that was my foot you stomped on!” Marlene cried. Mary elbowed her back.

“It’s not my fault we’ve got no shoes on!”

“Prongs, arms around Evans, please! Be a gentleman!”

“Piss off, Padfoot!” James reached out and shoved him, and Sirius swatted him back.

 _“Smile!”_ Lily shouted, swatting Sirius as well. “On the count of three, say cheese!”

“Sirius, move over, I’m short as well!” Dorcus squeezed next to him, so he wrapped an arm around her.

_“One!”_

“Moony, where are you? Take my hand!”

_“Two!”_

_“Wait, I’ve lost my umbrella -”_

_“Three!”_

_“Cheeeese!”_

Lily flicked her wand above her head. The flash went off, and the shutter clicked. They unscrambled in a mess of giggles, and Sirius grabbed Remus’ hand to drag him back to the dance floor.

~

The entire memory flashed back to him in a split second, even though he’d been starring at the Polaroid for the past few hours. There wasn’t much to do, alone all day with Buckbeak for company, so Sirius usually chose a picture a day to reminisce to. It was painful, remembering the good times, as if he was back at school again, only to be reminded he was back home - not that it ever felt like a home - locked up in his own personalised hell. He glared and took a swig from the wine bottle he’d gifted to himself that morning.

The Polaroid in his fingers was more painful than most. It was his birthday, and Lily’s writing adorned the bottom. _‘Sirius’s eighteenth birthday! ‘77!’_ In the photo, he was at the front, and it was taken just as he’d started to laugh. Dorcus was next to him, he had her in a side-hug, she was looking off-camera, shocked, and Marlene and Mary were right behind her, and Remus was behind him, a hand on Sirius’ shoulder and a smile so wide on his face Sirius almost didn’t recognise him, and James was next to Remus, one arm around Peter and the other around Lily, whose wand was high in the air. The lights had flashed as it was taken, coating them all in an orange and red glow. He remembered that party, the drinks, the skating, the cake, the music, the singing and dancing and why they all had those stupid cocktail umbrellas behind their ears (minus Dorcus, who seemed to have lost hers).

Sirius smiled and chuckled.

It was so wrong, the two different birthdays. Eighteen and thirty-five. It didn’t feel like a birthday, more like a pity party. Then he was with everyone he loved, doing whatever he felt like because it was _his_ day that no one could take from him! But now… he was alone in the one place he loathed more than anywhere, with no one to celebrate with except a sleeping Hippogriff. Looking at that photo was present enough, Sirius thought. Like they were all with him celebrating, smiling through the film at him. The pain was worth being transported back to when he didn’t worry about anything, where everything was pranks and fun and birthday parties, despite the war raging on around them. Sirius could admit he liked birthdays, still, so secretly he wished he could have a party that day with his school mates like they always used to. But he stopped thinking that because it reminded him they were all dead. Well, most of them.

He sighed and leaned back against Buckbeak’s feathers.

Suddenly, there was a knock at the door. That was strange. He was home alone and had heard no one enter through the front door. It wasn’t Kreature, the loathsome git didn’t check on him in the first place and certainly wasn’t polite enough to knock.

“Yes?” He called out.

The door opened. It was Remus, and he had his hands behind his back. “Happy birthday.” He smiled. Sirius was too old for butterflies, but he felt _something_ surge in his belly. _He remembered!_ His gut screamed out. _He cares!_

Sirius chuckled. He didn’t laugh much now. “Thanks. Though there’s not much to celebrate, nor much to be happy about. But thank you.”

Remus shrugged. He revealed what he was holding. “I brought you a cake. Though I couldn’t fit that many candles on, so I hope you don’t mind just the one.” He closed the door and handed Sirius the plate. The cake was big enough for four good slices, and Remus lit the candle as Sirius took it.

“One candle’s fine.” He smiled. Remus stood, awkwardly. “Care to join?”

Remus relaxed and sat down. “I’m not singing to you.”

“You don’t have to.” Sirius chuckled again. He blew out the candle, and thin swirls of smoke rose from it.

“Happy birthday,”

Sirius smiled, thinking back to 1977. What he would give to relive that day. “Cheers. Did you bring a fork?”

“Well, I had to improvise. I didn’t know which ones were silver and which weren’t so I transfigured some quills instead.” Remus revealed two reasonably transfigured quill-forks and handed one to Sirius, who grinned.

They didn’t bother slicing the cake, just began digging out small bites. It was a carrot cake and a good one at that. A bit into eating, Remus stopped and noticed something. He reached for the Polaroid and smiled sadly when he looked at it.

“I remember that,” he said quietly. “We all have those cocktail umbrellas, it was your birthday. We planned that surprise for weeks, you know?”

“Yeah, I know.”

Remus raised an eyebrow. “Oh?”

“Well, Prongs was never a very good liar, was he? I think he lasted about a day before he cracked and mentioned it.”

Remus laughed. “And to think I was so proud of him!”

Remus’ laugher faded into an awkward silence. Sirius took a swig of wine.

“This is quite depressing in comparison, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, a bit,” Remus said. “Why do you have this out?” He gestured to the Polaroid.

“I like looking back at them. Today happens to be that one.”

Remus put it back down. They went silent again, the room only filled with chewing noises and Buckbeak’s heavy breathing. A thought popped into Sirius’ head, and he wanted to say what it was right away, but he didn’t know if it would make things worse. How much worse could he make things, really? How could _this_ get worse?

“Do you remember, I made a wish? I didn’t tell anyone,” Sirius began. Remus nodded, his hand frozen halfway to another bite. “I still remember what it was, y’know. After all this time.”

Remus stayed silent as if to say, ‘go on then, out with it.’

“It was about you.”

“Oh?”

“Don’t act so surprised, Moony, of course, it was... It was stupid, now that I think about it.”

“I bet it wasn’t. Besides, now you’ve mentioned it you have to tell me.”

“I - it really was stupid but... I wished to _marry_ you one day...”

A heavy silence passed. Sirius didn’t know what he expected, and he raised his eyebrows sharply and took a swig of wine, ignoring the hotness that overcame him. “Told you it was stupid.”

Remus shrugged and chuckled awkwardly, head ducked. “I - I don’t know what you expect me to say, Sirius.”

Sirius’ face was on fire, and he avoided Remus’ eyes as he went for another bite of cake. “I shouldn’t have said anything. Sorry. Just forget I said anything.”

Things were worse.

Remus sighed, “Are you drunk?”

Sirius groaned, scowled and shook his head no, his gaze travelling past his wine and to the Polaroid. He looked at his own face, boyish and cackling, and he winced at how foreign that feeling was. His eyes then fell on the hand on his shoulder, and a pang shot through his stomach at the sight of Remus’ young face. God, he was so handsome. It was worse now that Remus was there; he could now clearly see how rotten life had become as he compared Remus to what he used to be - to what they used to be. But as much as he wished he could just move on, Remus still meant everything to him. He would still do anything for him. He _still_ felt nervous and giddy and giggly around him, for Merlin’s sake!

_God, you’re pathetic, Sirius Balck._

“What a lousy excuse for a birthday, eh, Moony?”

“Sirius…“ Remus’ voice was careful, and he placed a hand on Sirius’ knee.

“Save the pep talk, I’m fine. Just...” he paused, thinking, “stay for a bit, will you? I - I don’t like being alone here. And... it is my birthday, so you have to say yes, really.”

Remus chuckled, and Sirius met his eyes again. He saw the tiniest glimpse of the Remus in the photo, so he smiled too. They always seemed to tread carefully around each other nowadays, and Sirius wondered if things would go back to the way they were before. Remus started rubbing circles into Sirius’ knee, which drew Sirius attention and a hoard of goosebumps (and butterflies, which he was apparently not too old for.) _Pathetic_.

“Course I will... Happy birthday, mate. I mean it.”


	16. shakespeare

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> obviously, i don't own any of the play, it's all shakespeare, and it all belongs to shakespeare! i think this is a very cute idea so i hope you enjoy x

Usually, Sirius would die of boredom in this sort of situation. Doing nothing - lounging about. Just watching Remus read on the windowsill of their dormitory. But now that he accepted his crush, he took his chance to stare to his heart’s content. Sure, Remus being Remus, he could probably tell he was watching him, but Sirius couldn’t care less.

When he read it was wonderful, Sirius thought. He looked so calm and peaceful and _handsome_. Sirius found it hard to look away, so he didn’t, and found himself observing instead. Every so often, Remus would start muttering the words to himself, which only made things worse because then Sirius couldn’t stop staring at his lips (then his mind would trail off and one thing would lead to another) and whenever Remus’ face lit up, he wondered what had happened to elicit such a beautiful reaction.

Sirius was lying on his belly, chin rested on his hands, sideways on his bed so his feet dangled off the edge. The others had left some time ago, but he hadn’t paid them much attention. The only noise in the room was the gentle swoosh whenever Remus turned a page, and consequently Sirius’ heartbeat, in his own head, when his eyes were drawn to Remus’ slender yet poised fingers. It was the strangest thing, Sirius thought, and he’d never heard of being attracted to someone’s _hands_ , for Merlin’s sake, but here he was, thinking that Remus had the most gorgeous hands he’d ever seen. He’d imagine what it would feel like to have those fingers all over him; tugging hair, wrapped around his neck, gripping his body. Very content, with a dopey smile of his face, Sirius sighed, drawing Remus’ attention away from his book.

He looked up and asked, “Alright, Padfoot? Not too bored, are you?”

Sirius shook his head, then let it drop onto his red bedsheets. “I’m fine.” His voice sounded as if he’d just finished snogging someone; low and slightly breathy.

Remus gave him an odd look before going back to his book.

It wasn’t long before Sirius spoke again. “What are you reading?”

Remus sighed and gave Sirius a look that he recognised as ‘Really? This again?’ “It’s a play. A muggle one.”

“What’s it about?”

Remus shook his head. “You’d just laugh.”

“I wouldn’t!” Sirius rolled onto his back to grab his heart in mock betrayal. “I’m hurt, Moony, how could you? What’s it about?”

Remus huffed and rolled his eyes, but he was smiling really. God, that smile - Sirius’ insides fluttered.

“It’s about a pair of star-crossed lovers from feuding families.”

Sirius grinned. The blood rushing to his head was making him feel slightly loopy. “You and Evans and your muggle romances.”

“It’s a tragedy, actually. Romeo and Juliet. They both die in the end.”

“Of course it is! Sounds more like you than a soppy romance.”

Remus agreed, and Sirius rolled back onto his belly, propping himself up with his elbows. His smile faded, and a thought popped into his mind. “Would you... read me some?”

As well as his face and his lips and his hands, Remus’ voice was beautiful too. Especially when he read. Sirius scarcely had the pleasure of having Remus read to him, and he didn’t fully relish in the almost poetic sound of his voice as much as he wished he had, and as much as he would have at that moment. Just thinking about it sent hot tingles across his entire body - he was glad he was lying on his tummy and that he could burry his hot face in his duvet.

“It’s Shakespeare, Pads. You wouldn’t understand, it’s all old English.”

“That doesn’t matter, I don’t care. Besides, what’s the harm? Pretty please, Moony, read me some.”

Remus thought before he gave in, “Fine, if you insist. Just stop with the puppy dog eyes, or I might throw this book at you.”

Adjusting himself so he faced Sirius, Remus cleared his throat, and Sirius giggled embarrassingly. He stared down at the pages for a few moments, and Sirius wondered if he was alright, but then he took a breath and began reading.

 _“Spread thy close curtain, love-performing night, That runaways’ eyes may wink, and Romeo Leap to these arms, untalked of and unseen. Lovers can see to do their amorous rites By their own beauties, or, if love be blind, It best agrees with night_.”

Remus was right; he didn’t understand. But he didn’t even need to. He clung to the word _‘love’,_ and he swooned and sighed and blushed harder, deeper and more furious than humanly possible. The heat from his cheeks made its way into his head, where his heart was pounding so loudly he couldn’t hear his own thoughts. _Merlin’s beard Moony, the things you do to me._

_“Come, civil night, thou sober-suited matron, all in black, and learn me how to lose a winning match played for a pair of stainless maidenhoods. Hood my unmanned blood bating in my cheeks, With thy black mantle, till strange love, grow bold, Think true love acted simple modesty.”_

Remus’ voice was soft, with the poeticness Sirius loved, and yet it sounded as if there was a storm in that very room. But it was just inside his head; everything Remus made him feel was so noisy. And there it was again. _Love_. Sirius’ insides flipped, and he had to suppress the urge to get up and confess his love right there and then.

_“Come, night. Come, Romeo. Come, thou day in night, For thou wilt lie upon the wings of night whiter than new snow upon a raven’s back. Come, gentle night, come, loving, black-browed night, Give me my Romeo.”_

Sirius didn’t know who this ‘Romeo’ bloke was, but he felt immense jealousy for him. He blocked out his name, mentally replacing it with his own; imagining what it would be like if Remus was saying all of that about _him_. And as he listened, Sirius almost convinced himself that Remus was. 

_“And when I shall die, Take him and cut him out in little stars, And he will make the face of heaven so fine That all the world will be in love with night And pay no worship to the garish sun. Oh, I have bought the mansion of a love, But not possessed it, and though I am sold, Not yet enjoyed.”_

Sirius savoured the sound of _stars,_ and he loved the sound of _love_. So much so that he gigged to himself whenever he replayed Remus’ voice saying those words in his mind. He settled further into his mattress and closed his eyes, calmly, but on the inside he was squealing like a girl.

But Remus stopped, closing his book and chuckling awkwardly. “It’s beautiful, isn’t it?”

Sirius, slightly disappointed, opened his eyes and grinned. _“Very.”_ His voice was again breathy and post-snog-like, which Remus laughed at, and he tried to chuckle off. He took a few deep breaths, composing himself. “That Romeo bloke sounds brilliant.”

“That’s the point, isn’t it? I’m glad you liked it.”

“I loved it.”


	17. Quidditch Somethings

Remus and Lily were watching the Gryffindor quidditch practice. It was a beautiful day - the sun was out, and the smell of freshly cut grass wafted through the air, along with Lily’s general sweetness. Remus could only stand watching quidditch when the weather was like that. If it was cold or raining or boiling hot, the others could suffer without him. He wouldn’t admit it, but Remus had begged Lily to join him. Wanting to watch the practice but not be alone (Peter had detention otherwise, he would’ve joined him in a heartbeat), he dragged Lily with him.

Lily read beside him, her hair blowing in front of her face in the soft breeze. She only moved to turn a page or flick her hair out of her eyes. They were in silence (apart from the hooting from the team practising) until Dorcus came and joined them.

“Hey, guys,” she smiled.

Lily looked up and jumped into a conversation, patting the wood beside her. “Dorcus! What are you doing here?”

“Came to watch Marls. I promised her I would.” She accepted Lily’s offer and sat beside her.

“I would’ve walked with you, you should’ve told me.”

They started chatting but, Remus wasn’t listening. He was watching Sirius, as he’d come to do, and was _infatuated_. Sirius had just pulled out of an impressive dive and, when he came to a stop, his hair, windswept, fell out of its ponytail, and his lips parted out of breathlessness. Whenever he swung his beaters bat, his arm flexed, reminding Remus of the wonders quidditch had done for him. Sirius always looked free whenever he rode a broom, like nothing else in the world mattered. In the air, there was no trace of worry on Sirius’ face; flying was all he cared about. It sent loops through Remus’ belly, like the loops Sirius made in the air. Watching him, so free, _so_ happy, was like falling for him all over again.

Sadly, before Remus knew it, the practice was over and James was giving the team a quick pep talk. Lily, Remus noticed, had stopped reading and was watching the team as well.

Sirius looked up at Remus after just a few moments, grinned, and started waving. Remus smirked and pointed at himself, mouthing, “Me?” He glanced behind him as if looking for someone else Sirius could’ve been waving at. Sirius nodded before he waved harder. Remus laughed and flicked up his middle finger, to which Sirius grasped and placed at his heart like he’d blown him a kiss.

Lily snickered.

“What?” Remus asked. He looked at her but, Lily was still looking at the pitch.

“What’s going on between you and Sirius?” She said, smirking like she already knew the answer but wanted to hear him say it.

“Nothing! We’re mates. We’ve always been mates.”

“Bullshit. Look at him,” Lily gestured to Sirius, who was still waving. He was ignoring James’ pep talk entirely. “If that’s not what being completely smitten looks like, then I don’t know what is. And, I remember when you used to complain your arse off when the boys forced you to watch quidditch. Now, look at you, begging me to read next to you while you gawk at him.”

Remus didn’t know what to say, Lily was right, after all, so he huffed and crossed his arms. He opened and closed his mouth like a guppy, sinking back in his seat.

“Means nothing. And, I _do not_ gawk.”

“Of course, you don’t.”

Lily and Dorcus started chatting again, and Remus watched the team again. He chuckled when Marlene noticed Sirius not paying attention and bonked him on the head with her beaters bat. Sirius yelped and rubbed the back of his head, taking one final, embarrassed look at Remus before focusing on James.

The team started heading back to the changing rooms but, Sirius and Marlene flew up to the trio.

“Hello, Evans, Meadows. _Moony.”_

“Hi, Sirius,” Lily said, sounding disappointed.

Sirius grinned, swinging his bat to hit an imaginary ball. “How was I?”

“Mediocre.”

“You were reading the entire time, Evans. Anyway, I was asking Remus.”

“You were great, of course, you were,” Remus said. Gratified, Sirius puffed out his chest. Lily rolled her eyes at him.

“I thought _you_ were great, Marls.” She said to Marlene, who was pulling her hair out of its ponytail. She whipped it about and smiled. 

“Thanks! You were distracting me the whole time, Dorky with all your waving.”

“Sorry! I didn’t mean to!”

“S’alright.” Marlene shrugged, still grinning toothily.

“You looked distracted as well, Sirius,” Lily said, trying to sound innocent. Remus knew, instantly, what she was doing, and he sighed and rolled his eyes. “Someone caught your eye?”

Sirius shrugged, “I dunno what you’re talking about Evans.” He leaned back on his broom, casually, despite looking like he would fall off at any moment. He was still swinging his beater’s bat, back and forth and back and forth, as if he wanted to hit her round the head with it.

“Don’t you? Anyway, it doesn’t matter.” She looked, hopefully, past Sirius and down to the field. “Is James not coming?”

Sirius smirked, sending Remus a knowing look. “He’s getting changed. Miss him that much, do you?”

“A little, sure... James! _Oi, Potter!_ _“_ Lily got up and gathered her things, “I’ll see you all later. _Potter!”_ She jogged to the stairs. Her thudding footsteps faded into nothingness, and the four of them were alone.

“Merlin, she’s good! I can’t even open my mouth without her realising _something_.” Sirius looked after her. He was chuckling, but Remus thought it sounded forced.

“No, Sirius, you’re just not discrete. Anyone could tell if they’re looking for it. And we all know Lily’s looking.” Marlene said, swinging her legs back and forth. She was eyeing the stands like they were incredibly fascinating. 

_“Psh._ Who else but Lily is looking?”

“James will be if she tells him!” Marlene’s head snapped up to glare at him, and Remus thought she was about to whack him over the head again. “Mary too. Then Peter, no doubt.” 

Sirius went quiet, thinking, before, “She wouldn’t... I know she wouldn’t.”

“You’re going to get all of us caught,” Dorcus said. She was also looking after Lily, her face distant. Her voice was small and Sirius suddenly looked guilty. “I know you are.”

“We’re not doing anything wrong, Dorky. You’re saying that like we’re going to get detention.”

“It feels like that. It’s hard not to feel like that.”

Remus thought through the silence about what they should do. He looked from Sirius to Dorcus, both disheartened. Maybe they _should_ just tell them. Lily obviously wanted something to be there, so it made very little sense why he was still denying it to her. That would be a start, wouldn’t it? Opening his mouth to speak, a yell came from the pitch.

 _“Oi!_ Are you two coming for a shower?” It was James. He was out of his quidditch robes and his hair was dripping wet, stuck to his forehead. His hands were cupped to his mouth as he shouted, “Bet you stink, Padfoot!”

Sirius stuck out his tongue.

 _“Shut up, Prongs!”_ To Remus and Dorcus he said, “See you in a bit,” before floating down to the pitch. Marlene winked (making Dorcus extremely red) before joining them.

“I think we should tell them.” Remus suddenly blurted. “Well, you can decide what you want to do, but I think it would be better for all of us,” he said, watching as Sirius and Marlene flew down to the pitch. Sirius turned and looked back up at them, though this time he didn’t wave, just followed James to the changing room. 

“I don’t know, Remus... We should head off.” Dorcus stood, gathered her things and dragged her feet across the wooden benches as she walked to the stairs. Her head was hung, and she left behind the salty, metallic smell of sadness in her place. 

Remus followed her, his mood significantly dampened from when he was admiring Sirius’ brilliant flying. 


	18. language, james!

The only noise in the entire classroom was the scratching of quills against parchment as everyone wrote their essays, and it was driving Remus insane. Usually, he could block out these sorts of head-splitting sounds by concentrating on his work as hard as he could, but today it wasn’t working - the moon was in a few days and his senses were acting up. He’d write a few more words before someone would furiously cross something out, and the scratching would tear at his brain, and he’d be forced to stop. Even his own quill was torturous, and he couldn’t write more than a sentence before his head would start pounding, he’d clench his fists, and need to take a break.

Then suddenly, both James and Sirius, who were sitting beside him, scribbled something out, and the noise was like nails on a chalkboard. So jarring that Remus clenched his fists too hard, and he accidentally snapped his quill in two.

_“Fuck me!”_

His remark was met by sniggers, and people’s heads looked up at the sudden disturbance, including McGonagall’s. Remus panicked, and said the first thing to come to his mind, “Language, James!”

“I didn’t say anything!” James’ mouth fell open. He shot Remus a glare.

McGonagall sent James a disapproving look and said, “Move, Potter,” pointing to an empty desk right at the front of the class. “Now.”

“But Professor -“

“No Buts, Potter. I’m waiting.”

James groaned and collected his things, glaring down at Remus’ smug face as he did so.

“Sorry, mate.” Remus tried not to laugh.

“Sorry, my arse.”

James sulked the front of the class. He sat, turning to glare at both Remus and Sirius, who were both trying to suppress their laughter before McGonagall told him to turn around.

Remus looked to Sirius, who was now one empty seat away from him, and they set each other off laughing. Then Sirius tore the corner of his essay away, scribbled something on it, and slid it across the desk.

_Nice one, Moony. Good riddance!_

Remus smiled and whispered back, “Thanks.”

Sirius then passed him, _What happened to your quill?_ on another corner of his essay.

“Broke it. D’you have a spare?”

Nodding, Sirius reached into his pocket and got out a quill and a blank piece of parchment. He passed Remus the quill and began scribbling on the parchment before he passed it to Remus as well.

_Shame he’s gone, though. Now I have no one to copy off._

Remus rolled his eyes and wrote, _Move up a seat, and I’ll let you copy mine._

He passed it back and then Sirius was sitting in James’ old spot.

_Cheers, Moony. You’re a lifesaver._

With James gone, the quill scratching got better, but Sirius was now scribbling beside him, which wasn’t helping at all. But he couldn’t risk snapping Sirius’ quill, so he concentrated on his essay and blocked out as much noise as possible. He was concentrating so much, that he only noticed when they were whispers apart, that Sirius’ hand had abandoned his essay, and was rested on the desk right beside his own. Remus thought nothing of it, until Sirius’ pinky twitched and brushed the back of his hand, sending a shock to the tips of his fingers. Remus’ eyes snapped to his hand, then to Sirius’ face, who was staring down at his work.

 _It was probably just an accident_ , Remus thought, so he went back to his essay, now trying to ignore the scratching of quills along with his thumping heartbeat. But then it happened again, and Sirius leaned closer to him, to read the last sentence Remus had written. The back of Sirius’ hand grazed his own, deliberately, and Remus stopped writing. His heart thumped harder. He felt it in his head and his throat, and he reached for the spare piece of parchment and wrote, 

_Stop it. I’m trying to concentrate._

He slid it to Sirius, who, smirking, wrote something back.

_So am I, but you’re making that very difficult._

As Remus read the reply, his face lit on fire, and he could only imagine how red he must’ve been. He glanced at Sirius, who smirked wider, then wrote, _Do your work._

Sirius sighed, audibly. As he scribbled his reply, the noise was head-splitting, making Remus clench his jaw. He now had an angry headache.

_Mooooony, why so boooring? Won’t you entertain me?_

_No. I can’t write if I’m holding your hand, can I?_

As Remus wrote that, he glanced up at Sirius and rolled his eyes. _I’m doing my work, entertain yourself._

He slid the parchment back to Sirius, who pouted and reinked his quill, returning to his essay and not to their note-passing parchment.

Remus, taken aback, also returned to his essay. But Sirius, of course, hadn’t given up that easily, and Remus was a few more sentences in when Sirius’ foot brushed against his shin. Remus gasped, but tried to ignore it. He wrote another _letter_ before it happened again; Sirius’ foot trailed down his shin, then brushed back and forth at Remus’ ankle. Remus stopped, taking a deep, shaking breath, trying to compose himself. It didn’t work.

He placed his quill tip to his parchment but was so distracted, head swimming with thoughts of Sirius, that he could barely think of what to write. He glanced at Sirius, but he was unperturbed.

A thought popped into Remus’ head, and he smirked, setting down his quill for a moment.

 _Two can play at that game,_ Remus thought.

Composed and slightly smug, Remus let his hand drop and rest on Sirius’ thigh. Sirius inhaled sharply and his leg tensed under Remus’ fingers, so he began tracing light circles with his fingertips up and down the leg seam of Sirius’ trousers. Now Sirius was trying to compose himself, as he shifted in his seat and tried to keep on writing. Remus smirked when he could smell peppery, sickly sweet _lust_ wafting off the boy beside him.

_You alright, Padfoot?_

He looked to the side, smirking, and met Sirius’ eyes. He was red-faced and jittery.

_Piss off, Lupin._

Even his handwriting now had a wobble to it. Remus smirked, feeling very accomplished until Sirius placed his hand on Remus’ _inner_ thigh, close enough to his crotch and squeezed. Head snapping to Sirius’ smug face, Remus gasped. _“Fuckin’ hell, Sirius!”_

Remus hadn’t meant to let another curse slip so easily, but with Sirius’ now broken quill in his clenched fist, and a new wash of heat overcoming him, he couldn’t help it. He swatted Sirius away immediately, who was giggling along with the rest of the class.

McGonagall looked their way, meeting Remus’ eyes. She raised an eyebrow. Remus settled for a half-smile and didn’t need to be told to collect his things and move himself to the front of the class. 


	19. I Can See You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> did someone say prisoner of azkaban angst? welp, here you go

Halloween of 1992 was the roughest one yet for Remus in all the twelve years James and Lily had been dead. Not just because of Sirius’ escape - he tried not to think about that - but because of a dark-haired, incredibly talented boy with emerald green eyes and round glasses. Harry made it all harder. Like a ghost of his parents, he was their spitting image. And, as selfish as it was, Remus wished he hadn’t met him. Now that he knew Harry, he knew who’s parents Sirius had ripped away. Not the drooling infant’s, but the clever young man’s who he now taught.

He saw Harry Halloween morning at breakfast but didn’t dare mention his parents because of the solemn, distant look that glazed Harry’s face. Remus _wanted_ to console him, but Harry only knew Professor Lupin and not Uncle Moony, so he settled for a smile and a sympathetic look, which was returned rather sadly.

The day was young when Remus needed to leave the castle. His mind, clouded with melancholy thoughts, was driving him insane. He couldn’t stop thinking about James and Lily, which led his mind down a dangerous spiral. So, what better place to clear his head than the grounds of Hogwarts? He needed a distraction, anyway, and the day wasn’t miserable.

He walked down the sloping hill that lead to the Black Lake, past Hagrid’s hut, to the forest’s edge. Walking around its outskirts, Remus was the most at peace than he had been all day and let out a shaking breath. The magic from the forest held a comforting familiarity of himself and the other Marauders during the full moons but, Remus didn’t let himself remember them. He tried to squash every fond memory deep inside of him and turn off his thoughts. But the more he tried, the more he reminisced, and the harder he grieved. It wasn’t fair that he, a good-for-nothing creature, had all those glorious years with James and Lily and yet, Harry got one which he couldn’t remember even if he tried.

 _You coward,_ he thought. _You could tell him everything, try to find photos or at least talk to the boy! You selfish, animal. Weak, cowardice-_

The uncomfortable feeling of being watched interrupted his thoughts, and Remus snapped to face a small clearing in the forest. He saw nothing but didn’t continue walking. Remus stared into the darkness between shrubs, waiting for any sign of movement.

Then came such a faint snap that human hearing wouldn’t have picked it up. It was a twig. Remus’ eyes glanced to the sound and, as if hearing him triggered it, an all too familiar scent drifted up his nose. He knew who was there and tensed instinctively. A hand clasped his wand.

The darkness rippled, and Remus saw the outline of a shaggy, black dog. _Sirius._

“I can see you,” Remus made himself say. He intended to sound threatening, but his voice came out a shuddering mess.

The dog nodded.

Remus wanted to scream at him.

“Clear off, why don’t you? I know what you want. You won’t get your chance.”

He didn’t move, daring Remus to continue.

“Lily and James weren’t enough? You want Harry too?”

Cocking his head to the side, he made a very un-dog-like expression that Remus understood as _‘You don’t believe that.’_ A hot, burning sensation filled his stomach and pushed its way up Remus’ throat and into his head. He felt sick with anger at the calmness of the animagus in front of him.

The dog jerked his head behind him, beckoning Remus to follow.

“Don’t you dare. Not today - I can’t do this today. I’ll go to Dumbledore this very moment and have you thrown back in Azkaban if you don’t clear off. If that’s what you want.” Remus’ voice shook more and more with every word. He loathed how afraid he sounded _. You have the power here, Remus. You can make him pay again. Put him back where traitors belong._

He gripped his wand tighter as he tried to keep the wolf’s growling at bay. Remus didn’t know if he feared himself or _Black_.

The dog didn’t show any sign of leaving or any fear of Dumbledore or Azkaban. Instead, he jerked his head again.

For a desperately selfish moment, Remus needed to follow him. But, he reminded himself, that was _not_ who he craved to see. He craved nineteen-year-old Sirius who still had hope, who laughed and grinned, who didn’t think Remus was the spy, who forced Remus to dance with him at any and every party, who wanted to fight for what he believed in. Not the traitor before him.

“Stop begging, _mutt.”_

The dog was getting frustrated; he growled and bared his teeth. Seeing this did not affect Remus, he stopped and lurked back into the darkness.

Remus sighed and ran a clammy hand down his face. He waited to make sure Sirius was gone, but as he turned to walk back to the castle, a blatant rustle and undoubtedly human grunt froze him.

_God, no. If he dares speak to me - if he’s done what I think he has._

Remus couldn’t turn and check if Sirius was crouching there. A knot tied itself in his stomach and, for the first time in forever, sober tears pricked at his eyes (which were jarringly different to the drunken sobs he was now used to.)

_No, you don’t care about him anymore. You can’t cry for him. I won’t cry for him._

_“Moony...”_

Remus hadn’t forgotten Sirius’ voice; it had changed. The dirt and dark magic of Azkaban clung to it, distorted it. Like a caricature of his Black-family-insanity that they both knew had always been there.

Hearing his voice, _that name_ , was a violent punch to the gut. Remus turned around. He barely made out Sirius in the darkness of the shrubs he hid in, but he could see his face. Remus let out an involuntary gasp at the sight of him. _That isn’t Sirius_ , his mind raced. _That isn’t my Sirius._

Pale and skeleton-like, Sirius looked frightfully like a corpse laying on the ground with dried blood across his forehead. Thin and starved, there was no spark of mischief or boyish grin on his face. And his cheekbones, jutting out and angular, stuck out so far they left deep, grey pits in his cheeks. If they were nineteen again, Remus would’ve joked about that state his hair was in. But they weren’t, and Remus’ lips remained forcefully pushed together.

“Don’t you _dare_. Don’t you dare call me _that_ like nothing’s happened.” The shake in Remus’ voice worsened.

 _“Please_ , Remus! Please come,” Sirius hissed in the same strange voice.

Remus’ feet carried him right to the edge of the forest in a flash of anger. This close, Sirius smelled different. It wasn’t just because of the filth that covered him, but like the dementors had followed him and latched onto every part of him. Like it tethered him to Azkaban, and it wasn’t letting him go. But, under the grime, it was like nothing had changed... and, if he closed his eyes, it was like the old Sirius -

_NO! Stop hoping. Everything has changed. He is a murderer. Stop it, Remus. He is a traitor._

_“You -“_

“Stop talking out in the open. I can’t be seen. Please, come, even just to hate me. Or go. Get Dumbledore and send the dementors after me.”

Remus didn’t want this, but the selfish voice in the back of his mind begged for him to follow Sirius. He longed to see him again, and his common sense drowned in his selfishness.

He checked to see that the coast was clear. It was. Remus nodded shortly.

Sirius disappeared. Trampling the shrub Sirius hid under, Remus stepped into the dim clearing. Padfoot trotted along in front of him before stopping at a tree. The straggly, unkempt hair of a very broken man peeked past the trunk.

After twelve years, they were eye to eye again. Remus got his first proper look at post-Azkaban Sirius and swooned with pity. His hair was down to his elbows (which Remus thought he would’ve loved when he was nineteen, before suppressing that thought at once), and so greasy it was worse than Snape’s. The rags he wore as clothing hung off his bones like elephant’s skin and were shredded and torn in just the right places where Remus could see the outline of every rib under his yellowish, translucent skin. Remus’ wand tip found Sirius’ tattooed chest. He dug it in _hard_ , and Sirius grunted under its pressure.

“Did you miss me, Remus?” His grin was an uncomfortable grimace, barring the disgusting state of his teeth. 

Remus’ wand shook.

“Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t hand you over to the dementors.”

“Because you want to talk to me. You want your mind at ease -“

“I want you dead.” He pressed his wand harder. 

“Kill me then. I’ve no wand. Do it. Kill me.”

Remus pressed his wand tip _harder_ into Sirius’ chest. With his strength, he thought he might break the fragile bone beneath his thin, pastry-like skin. A bloodthirsty voice in the back of his mind shrieked, _Do it! Doitdoitdoit! Kill him! KILL HIM!_ Every instinct screamed to kill him. To make him pay. Longing for the sight of his lifeless body. He wasn’t in control; the wolf was acting with no sanity or reasoning. His wand trembled.

“Kill me, Moony.”

That name was a trigger. Like the wolf heard it and clawed its way to the front of Remus’ mind to attack. In a flash of movements, his hands clasped around Sirius’ neck. He squeezed.

_“I despise you, Sirius Black.”_


	20. pain I

It was awfully late at night, and Sirius didn’t know why he was even up waiting. He thought Remus would come up to bed when he felt like it, but it had been hours, and his eyes were drooping. But every time he tried to fall asleep, a tug in his gut forced him to open his eyes. _You promised Moony you’d wait_ ; it was trying to tell him. _It’s the full tomorrow, wait for him._ Sirus was getting restless, waiting in bed, so he got up, creep out of the dorm and down the stairs to see what was taking Remus so long.

The freezing, concrete stairs to the common room sent horrid shocks through Sirius’ feet and then to the rest of his body. He shivered, only in his thin pyjamas, before he was standing in the fire-lite common room and warmth rushed through him.

“Moony?” He called out, stupidly, to the empty room.

He wasn’t expecting a reply, but a whine answered him from the squishy armchair that faced the fireplace. Sirius made his way over to it, taking the quietest steps he could, before kneeling in front of him. Remus sat very stiffly, with both his arms carefully placed on the arms of the chair, and he was bolt upright, except his head lolled back and his eyes were half-closed, looking at the ceiling. Apart from the beads of sweat on his forehead and shaky rise and fall of his chest, he looked like a rag doll. He had been there all day, Sirius thought, as he hadn’t changed from his school clothes yet, and a blanket laid across his lap that Sirius remembered Lily putting there out of worry earlier that day.

“Are you coming to bed soon?” His voice was lower than a whisper, though Remus still flinched at the noise. He gritted his teeth and clenched his fists, and a pit dug itself in Sirius’ belly for not thinking to check on him sooner.

Remus’ lips quivered, and it looked like he was fighting to get his words out. For a moment, he was croaking incoherently, but then the croaks formed small, soft words, _“Every... thing... hurts... Can’t move.”_

Tears squeezed out of his eyes as they opened, red and bloodshot, and met Sirius’. The pit tripled, digging at itself, almost churning Sirius’ insides, and there was a painful lump in his throat. He would not cry, so fought this intensely.

 _“Moony...”_ He scolded himself for sounding like _he_ was the one in pain, so pulled himself together. “What can I do to help? I’ll get _anything_ to make you feel better. What do you need? Potions, or food, maybe? I’ll go to the kitchens. Poppy won’t mind being woken up. If it’s you, you’re her favourite, you know. She’ll have something. Well, what do you need?”

_“You...”_

Sirius chuckled, breathily, because he didn’t know how to react. Really, that was all he ever wanted to hear. “That’s a beautiful sentiment, Moony, but what will make you feel better?”

_“Don’t leave... Don’t go get anything. Please.”_

“But I want to help you!”

Remus flinched as Sirius’ rise in tone, triggering a chesty coughing fit. He doubled over as the tears fell harder, dropping off his nose and down his front. Sirius didn’t know what to do, and his heart felt like it was trying to rip out of his chest. He wanted to reach out and hold Remus’ hand, but he didn’t know if that would hurt him, so he didn’t risk it and did nothing. The lump in his throat returned, and there was a pang in his chest so hard it felt like it was crushing his lungs, as he sat and watched helplessly.

Remus’ coughing lasted far too long, and when it calmed down, he screwed his eyes shut as he tried to sit up again. His knuckles were pale white, gripping onto the arms of the chair, and a few seconds of silence passed before he coughed again.

 _“There’s a potion in my bag,”_ He mumbled after the coughs subsided; covered in tears, sweat, and now phlegm.

Sirius frantically looked around for Remus’ schoolbag, and upon seeing it, grabbed it and threw it open. “Where?”

_“Front pocket.”_

Sirius’ hand found something cold, a shock in the heat of the fire, and it emerged clasping a glass vile, containing a blackish, very unappetising looking potion. He held it up, and Remus nodded. Handing it over, Sirius’ heart calmed down as Remus drank it, instantly looking healthier than he had in days.

“Thank Merlin for that.” Sirius sighed, reaching for Remus’ hand without thinking. “You really had me worried there, Moony.”

“Sorry. I - I should’ve just got it myself.” Remus took deep breaths as his breathing returned to normal. His hair stuck to his forehead with sweat, but there was a faint smile on his face.

“S’not your fault, Moony. Don’t apologise.”

Remus sat up again, comfortably this time, and the hand that Sirius wasn’t holding was wiping the drool off his face, the sweat off his forehead, and the phlegm of his collar. He chuckled, and his face went an embarrassing shade of red. Sirius swooned at the sight.

_Merlin, I love you, Moony._

“Why are you still awake?” Remus asked suddenly.

Sirius, taken aback, frowned. “I was waiting up for you, of course.”

“You were?”

“Yes! I promised I would.”

“Oh... Sorry, I forgot. Thank you.” Remus smiled and Sirius’ heart skipped about ten beats.

A silence passed. And in that short time, Sirius felt himself calm back down yet, his heart was still hammering in his chest. The fire crackled peacefully, and Sirius made himself comfortable by resting his head on Remus’ blanket-covered knees.

“You’re feeling better, aren’t you?” He checked. “You don’t need anything else? I’ll get -“

“I’m _fine_ , Sirius.... thanks for coming to check on me. Nothing before the moon’s ever been that bad. I don’t know what happened.”

Sirius thought for a moment, before shrugging. “Maybe it’s stress?” He suggested. “You always get behind on work, so maybe it’s getting too much for you... I think we should go on holiday, just you and me. Relax a little.”

Remus laughed, and Sirius’ stomach did a somersault. “Where would we go?”

“France,” Sirius said, instantly. “Flex my language muscles to impress you. Bet it’s not stressful in France, as well. My family goes every year and leaves me behind, so it’d be nice to go.”

Remus thought for a while before he grinned. “Say something in French.”

“What?”

“Say something in French. Impress me.”

“Erm... alright then.” He cleared his throat, and Remus laughed again. _“Tu es la personne la plus forte que je connaisse..._ right _,_ erm _et je t’aime plus que tout.”_

Remus’ smile widened, and he sighed breathily, “ _Wow,_ consider me impressed _._ Y’know _,_ I forget you can do that sometimes, but then it sounds so natural when you speak it. It’s weird. Like you’re a different person.”

“Is that a bad thing?” Sirius chuckled.

“Not at all. French covers up your brutishness.”

Sirius stuck out his tongue. _“Tais-toi.”_

“What does that mean?”

“Shut up.”

“Charming.” Remus shook his head. “And what did you say before? Something equally rude?”

Remus paused with anticipation, the grin hadn’t flickered from his face, and Sirius raised an eyebrow, hoping Remus would forget he asked that. “Well?”

“Well, what?”

_“What did you say?”_

Whoops. He hadn’t thought that far. Sirius’ mind was in the city of love, stuck in the language of love, so naturally, he confessed his love without thinking twice. “I didn’t insult you.” He blurted.

“You’re avoiding the question! You said something embarrassing, didn’t you?”

“Terribly. Which is why I can never tell you.”

The shadow of the smile stayed on Remus’ face, and he waited as if the silence would make Sirius tell him, but his lips were sealed. “Well...” Remus began after the long pause, “we should go to bed, shouldn’t we? Could... could you help me up the stairs? I’m a little worn out.”

Sirius, suddenly aware that he’d been grasping onto Remus’ hand all that time, squeezed it and smiled. “Course.”

Sirius pulled himself onto his feet and offered his other hand for Remus to take, who scoffed and raised an eyebrow. “Really?”

“Yes, really. I’m being a gentleman.”

Remus chuckled and accepted, but as he stood, his knees buckled, and he would’ve collapsed if Sirius wasn’t there to catch him.

“Bloody hell! Sorry, I think my legs went numb from sitting for too long.” Remus chuckled. He gripped onto Sirius’ arms tightly, before straightening up and smiling awkwardly. “Sorry.”

“It’s fine, Moony. You’re all OK?”

“Yep. Fine.”

Sirius, in his worried state, went to sling Remus’ arm around his shoulder so he could act as his human crutch, but Remus was having none of it and swatted him away like he was a pesky fly. They made it to the stairs where Remus, begrudgingly, allowed himself to lean against Sirius. But, as he rested his foot on the first step, Remus hissed in pain and froze in place. The grip he had on Sirius’ shoulder increased tenfold.

“Merlin, Moony. Do you want me to carry you instead?” Sirius asked. Remus glared at him from behind his fringe.

“No, I do not. I can walk perfectly fine without you.”

He went to take a step again, a determined look on his face, but it ended with an even more gut-wrenching hiss of pain escaping his lips.

“No, you can’t. I’m not letting you.”

Remus sighed angrily, “fine.” And let Sirius whisk him off his feet and carry him to the top of the stairs. As soon as Sirius’ first foot hit the landing, Remus snapped, “You can put me down now.”

Sirius obliged and hesitantly slung his arm back over Remus’ shoulder. Luckily, he didn’t object and used Sirius as a crutch all the way to their dorm. Taking care to make as little noise as possible, Sirius opened the door. As soon as he did this, Remus shoved him off (Sirius wondered if he’d said something to make him so angry) and hobbled to his bed, with a slight limp in his right leg. Every limping, wobbly step he took brought Sirius closer and closer to tears.

“Moony, you’re limping. I really think you should go to Poppy -“

“I don’t care, Sirius, I’m fine. Really, I didn’t even notice it. You can go to bed, alright?” Remus said. He opened his trunk and pulled out his pyjamas.

Sirius didn’t move. There was a sinking feeling in his stomach, and he didn’t feel right going to bed doing nothing.

Remus looked up, noticing that Sirius wasn’t moving, and snapped. “You going to watch me undress?”

Sirius sighed and shook his head. “No. Sorry. Night, Moony.”

Remus nodded in response.

Sirius climbed into bed and lay staring up at the ceiling. He had no intention of going to sleep, however, even if he wanted to, he was kept awake with nerves. His thoughts swamped with Remus, but not how they usually were. Usually, he was kept up thinking about how handsome he was or trying to replay something adorable he’d done that day over and over until he would start smiling without even realising. But now, all that was replaying over and over, was that limp and nasty coughing fit and the lump returned. This time, he did nothing to combat it, and a few moments later, he was crying silently as to not wake the others up. For a few minutes, he was frozen on his back, letting himself cry. Overcome with worry, he curled up on his side, facing Remus’ bed, hoping and praying that the moon the next night would not be Remus’ last. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> french translation: you are the strongest person I know and I love you more than anything


	21. pain II

“But we _have_ to stay with him! We always do, why’s tonight any different? He needs us!”

Luckily, Sirius’ prayers had been answered, and it wasn’t Remus last moon. They were in the hospital wing, but Pomfrey wasn’t letting James or Sirius stay, as the moon was Remus’ roughest one yet. James had an arm slung across Sirius’ shoulders, trying to escort him out, but Sirius wasn’t budging. His eyes, fixed on the white curtain drawn around Remus’ bed, were glossy with tears.

“Mr Black, my mind is made up. Remus needs his rest, without the two of you causing a racket,” Pomfrey said.

“We won’t cause a racket, I promise! Please, Poppy, let us stay!”

“Sirius, c’mon mate, we can come back in the morning.” James rubbed his eyes and stifled a yawn; they’d been up all night with Remus, and it was about five in the morning.

“No, we _can’t_ \- “

“This wing is for injured students only, Mr Black. Now, usually, I make exceptions for you boys, but tonight... there’s no other way of putting it: Remus’ condition is critical, and you cannot stay! If one of you mysteriously comes down with a case of dragon pox, however, it would be a different story. But, since you’re both perfectly healthy, I must send you back to your dormitory!”

“C’mon, Sirius. We’ll be back before breakfast.”

Sirius hung his head and, finally, let James guide him out of the room.

“He’ll be fine, Pads. He’s in great hands, and we’ll be back before you know it.”

Sirius nodded.

The door shutting behind them echoed down the dark corridor, and they took a few steps before an idea, which stopped him in his tracks, struck Sirius. James, with his arm still across Sirius’ shoulders, stopped as well.

He sighed, trying to pull him forward. “C’mon, Sirius, it’s late.” James paused, letting out an enormous yawn. “Stop making a fuss.”

“Hex me.”

“Have you lost your mind? We’re going to bed.” Again, James tried to pull Sirius back to their dorm.

“No!” He shoved James off him. “Hex me! Or hit me! Then I’ll be injured, and she’ll have to let me stay!”

_“Sirius -“_

“You didn’t see him last night, I thought he was going to die! The moon was terrible, I’ve got to be there, James, or I’ll just drive you mad worrying all night because Merlin knows I won’t be able to get any sleep!”

James’ eyes met Sirius’, and he sighed again. “Fine.” He pulled out his wand but hesitated. “I don’t want to do this. Moony would hate it.”

_“Hit me, then!”_

“No, Pads, I will not hit you! _That’s even worse!”_ James tried to keep his voice down, but he was shouting almost without realising.

“Come on, mate, if you can’t I’ll do it myself!”

“OK... _Ok, Ok, Ok_...” James took a deep breath and started muttering to himself, to shake the nerves. But he was agitating Sirius, making him more anxious by the second, so he huffed and tried to do it himself.

Sirius held his wand aloft, trying to ignore the pit of dread in his belly. Chanting, _It’s for Moony, it’s for Moony, do it for Moony,_ over and over in his mind until he scrunched his eyes closed and - 

_“OW, fuck!”_

He’d attempted an illegal growth hex that was _supposed_ to make your head swell, but he got it wrong and, clasping a hand to his jaw, found it swelling uncontrollably instead. James snapped out of his muttering and gasped.

“Sirius, you lunatic!”

 _“Merlin’s bollocks, that hurts!”_ He hissed in pain, dancing from foot to foot. _“Ah, fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck!”_

“Course it bloody hurts, you did it wrong!”

“Really? I hadn’t noticed!” He doubled over, pressing his palm into his face to stop the swelling, but it only seemed to make it worse.

James grabbed his forearm, rushing him back the way they came. “C’mon, we’re going back to Pomfrey.”

Sirius went to smirk, but he winced in pain.

They were back at the hospital wing in no time. James pushed the heavy doors open and called out for Madame Pomfrey. Her office light clicked on and, a moment later, she stood in front of them, arms folded.

“Boys, what have I told you?”

“I’m injured, Poppy, I need your help,” Sirius said, but his words lisped as the swelling spread to his cheek. He tried to pull his best puppy dog eyes as he straightened up and showed her his inflamed jaw.

Pomfrey’s expression softened, and she said, “Please, stop calling me that, Mr Black. I’ll let you stay to fix you up, and if you’re on your best behaviour, you might get to stay overnight.” Sirius tried not to smirk, because that made the swelling hurt even more. “Just the one, I’m afraid, Mr Potter.”

“Right, course. See you in the morning, mate.” James bid them both goodnight before he turned and left the room.

Sirius grinned triumphantly after Pomfrey settled the swelling of his jaw, and before he knew it, he was sitting at Remus’ bedside, with the curtains pulled around them both.

There was an open window above Remus’ bed, from which the morning sunlight streamed in, and the crisp breeze calmed Sirius’ nerves just as much as seeing Remus asleep, safe and sound did. Watching him breathe was an odd comfort, reassuring Sirius that he was still alive and there was nothing to worry about anymore. Each rise and fall of his chest, no matter how shaky, put Sirius’ mind further at ease.

Sirius reached out, taking one of Remus’ freezing hands in his. But a pang shot through his belly when he felt a bandage wrapped around Remus’ palm. He looked, and Remus’ entire torso was lumpy like there were bandages all over him. And, at the neck of his pyjamas, the top of another bandage poked out, stretching across Remus’ shoulder and around the back of his neck. His entire body seemed to be decorated in an extra layer of scars, and Sirius’ head dropped at the thought, resting on the mattress beside Remus’ sleeping body.

He squeezed Remus’ hand, for good measure, though every time he let his thumb rub across the back of it, he felt the bandage and was reminded of the previous night. Every transformation was as gruesome as the last, but Sirius had never seen the wolf claw at itself as much as it had earlier that night. It was like the other three marauders weren’t even there, trying their best to calm him down, but to no success. And Sirius felt useless.

“Sirius?”

Sirius’ head snapped up, and he smiled at Remus half-asleep state. His head was lolled to the side, and his eyes were blinking open. Remus squeezed his hand back, which made Sirius smile wider.

“Hi, Moony. How’re you feeling?”

“I’ve been better. The usual, really.” His voice was hoarse and his eyes narrowed. “What happened to your face?”

“Nothing.”

“It’s bright purple. You’ve bruised your jaw.”

Remus reached his other hand out and brushed his fingers across Sirius’ jaw, and Sirius had to stop himself from closing his eyes and leaning into the touch.

“I - I didn’t do that, did I?” Remus tried to sit up, panic-stricken, but Sirius took him by the arms and laid him gently down again.

“No! No, you haven’t done anything, I promise. I’m fine.”

Remus paused. “Good.”

“I really shouldn’t be talking to you. Poppy said I have to be on my best behaviour and let you rest.”

Remus laughed, feebly. “You’re not doing an excellent job at that then, are you?”

“Nah, I suppose not. I’m sorry I woke you up.”

“I don’t mind. You are staying, aren’t you? Pomphrey’s not kicking you out?” Remus voice wobbled and his eyes darted to Pomphrey’s office. Sirius felt a surge of something amazing in his chest at the thought that Remus didn’t want him to leave. 

“She already tried, but it takes a lot more than that to get rid of me, Moony.” Sirius flashed a grin. 

“I know, trust me. Don’t leave.” Remus then, as carefully as he could, scooted up in his hospital bed. He patted the space beside him and said, “I’m not letting you sit there all night, Pads, It’s freezing.”

Sirius accepted, kicking off his shoes and socks, and crawled into bed beside Remus.

“God, Moony, your feet are freezing.” Sirius shivered, laughing through slightly chattering teeth. 

“Sorry.”

Remus stayed on his back, and Sirius laid on his side, facing the tawny-haired werewolf. The sun had almost fully risen, covering Remus’ face in a warm, pinkish glow. Sirius reached a hand out from under the warmth of their blanket to stroke a strand of hair out of Remus’ eyes. Sirius smiled, though his hand was already tingling with the cold. Suddenly overcome with tiredness, Sirius yawned and snuggled into Remus’ side, taking care as to not hurt him. 

“Pads?”

“Hm?”

“Thank you.”

Sirius smiled, trying to keep his eyes open. He met Remus’ eyes, bright amber in the sunlight, and let out a quiet, breathy laugh. “Course, Moony. Anything for you.”


	22. moony, you're poorly

When Remus woke up, his eyelids weighed about fifty tons, his nose was blocked, and he was breathing hot, bad-smelling breath out through his mouth. Was it him or was the sun brighter that morning? The other’s snores were louder (if that was even possible) and Remus wondered if something transfigured the other Marauders into elephants.

He lay, unmoving, for hours. Sirius was now awake (he could hear his voice), so it must’ve been late. He and James were getting dressed, and there were thuds before Peter’s shouts. He assumed they threw a pillow at him.

“Moony, you awake?” Sirius’ voice said, lowered to a comfortable whisper.

Remus grunted, cringing at how wolf-like he sounded. He went to speak but, there was a scratchy itch in the back of his throat. He tried to open his eyes. Sirius was a black and red blur and, Remus couldn’t make out his features.

“Merlin, Moony, you’ve looked better.” Sirius reached out and pressed the back of his hand to his forehead. “You’re boiling! I think you have a fever - should we go to Poppy?”

Remus shook his head, his snot and drool stained pillow scratching against the scar on his cheek.

“Moony, you won’t get better if we don’t. You’re poorly.”

_“... No...”_

“Alright, fine. But, if you look like this later, we’re getting you some potions.”

“What’s wrong with Moony?” James’ voice said.

“He’s ill,” Sirius said to James, voice raised. The noise split Remus’ head in two. He groaned again. “Are you coming to classes?”

Remus shook his head. Or at least he tried to. _“... Stay with me, please...”_

“Course. Any excuse to skive off. Don’t miss me too much, Prongs.”

“Don’t worry, mate, I won’t... Take care of him.”

Remus couldn’t keep his eyes open. He wanted to fall back asleep, but the mouth breathing alone was keeping him tethered to consciousness. James and Peter shuffled and whispered as to not disturbed him, but it sounded to Remus like they were all having a fiery argument. The pillow pressing into his cheek was like a cluster of tiny needles stabbing his face, and the same stabbing feeling was in his hands and feet like he was being cut all over.

The door shutting was an explosion; he flinched and shuffled further under his blankets. The usually cosy warmth under his duvet was sweaty and boiling, so he kicked it off, but then his exposed leg felt like someone had doused it in ice. Remus groaned and felt hot tears against his closed eyelids.

“Hey, Moony... are you asleep again?”

Remus made a noise, telling him no and, before he knew it, Padfoot was in his bed, curled up in front of him. Remus smiled, raising a shaking hand and weaving it through the dog’s black fur. Padfoot’s presence slowed his breathing, and Remus almost felt himself relax. He didn’t realise he was doing it, but he took Padfoot in his arms and clung onto him. The gentle rise and fall of Padfoot’s chest slowed, and Remus knew he was asleep. So he closed his eyes and tried to get some sleep himself.

~

It must’ve been hours later when Remus reopened his eyes. They weren’t heavy anymore, so he comfortably looked around him. He was in bed, on his side, and the sun wasn’t as glaring as had been that morning... cradling Sirius in his arms. Remus had an arm slung across him, which he jerked away and put by his side. Sirius was still asleep, so was blissfully ignorant to how flustered Remus had become. He wondered when Sirius had transformed back and hoped, for Sirius’ sake, that it was an accident. Numb, his arm wedged under Sirius’ ribs was stuck and he couldn’t move it. But he was too sick to care about the somewhat suggestive position they’d ended up in.

That was what he was telling himself. But minutes ticked by and Sirius wasn’t waking up soon. _I could just..._ Remus lifted his arm and hovered it above Sirius’ side. _Couldn’t I? He wouldn’t care. I’ll pretend I just woke up like that._ He replaced it to where it was before and was cradling Sirius once again.

The pressure of his arm, rising and falling against Sirius’ side, sent a content smile to Remus’ face and a swarm of butterflies to his belly. His instinct was to trace circles across Sirius’ ribs but stopped himself. Without realising he’d done it, his head lolled forward to rest between Sirius’ shoulder blades.

However, Remus was still sick and then broke out in a rough coughing fit, jolting Sirius awake. Remus jerked his head and arm away, heart pounding.

“Hiya, Moony. You feeling any better?” Sirius’ voice was hushed and sleepy. He shifted, stretched and yawned.

“Yeah, a little. My throat doesn’t hurt anymore.”

Sirius either didn’t notice their proximity, or he didn’t care. His eyes were half-closed, and he yawned again. “Good. I hate it when you’re sick.” Sirius rolled onto his side and propped his head up with his hand. Finally, Remus could remove his arm from under him and roll onto his back. Untangled from Sirius, he instantly felt cooler.

“So do I... Did you sleep all day?”

“Just about. I woke up once or twice.”

Sirius reached out and rubbed the corner of Remus’ mouth down to his chin. “You have drool on your chin.”

“Uh-huh?” Remus sounded strangely calm because he was even more flustered. His heart was pounding again, and his face was boiling.

“You’re welcome.”

Remus chuckled dryly. “Cheers... Don’t get too close, I don’t want you to catch anything.”

“I don’t mind. You’re worth a stupid cold.” Sirius almost leaned in closer.

The warm feeling of lying next to Sirius was maybe an unknown remedy because Remus felt better. He tilted his head and smiled at Sirius’ grin.

“Thanks for staying.” Remus let slip.

“Of course. You asked me to.”

A fuzzy feeling filled Remus from head to toe, and his smile got wider.

“What you smiling at?”

“Nothing.”

Sirius raised an eyebrow.

“Nothing!”

“Sure, Moony.” Sirius let it go and his head dropped onto the pillow. Still, with a shadow of his grin on his face, he closed his eyes, and his head almost rested right in the centre of Remus’ chest.

“Tired?” Remus asked. Sirius mumbled yes. Remus chuckled and laid back down as well, playing with Sirius’ hair. He sniffed, and his nose was almost completely unblocked.

“‘M glad you’re better, Moony...” Sirius mumbled. He yawned and snuggled into Remus’ chest. “I can hear your heartbeat.”

“Mhm...” Remus said, weaving his fingers, slowly, through Sirius’ hair. 

Sirius mumbled something that Remus didn’t catch, so Remus let his eyes droop shut as well. Tangled up with each other for the second time that day, they fell asleep, and that was exactly how James found them minutes later. 


	23. im fine. no you're not

“Sirius? It’s freezing out, what’re you doing?”

Sirius barely even shrugged; his left shoulder jerked. It was midnight, give or take a few hours, and Sirius was out sitting on the balcony of their dormitory, only in a thin ACDC t-shirt and his pyjama bottoms, even in the bitter winter. It would’ve been pitch black if it wasn’t for the slight glow coming from his cigarette. 

Remus stood inside, not surprised when he didn’t receive an answer. He had Sirius’ leather jacket in his hands.

“C’mon, Pads, you’ll catch your death out there.” 

Sirius, still, didn’t move. Remus sighed, walking a little closer, and draped the jacket across Sirius’ shoulders. He tried to shrug it off, but Remus wouldn’t let him. 

“You’re not my mum.” Sirius snapped. “I’m fine.”

“You’re not.” Remus climbed out of the window and sat next to him, making room to sit by dusting away empty cigarette packs and firewhiskey bottles. “That’s OK. You don’t have to be fine.”

Sirius took a drag, turning to glare at Remus like he wanted to find something to disagree with him about, but couldn’t. Something horrid punctured Remus’ gut; his skin was too pale, and the dark circles under his eyes were dreadful. Sirius attempted a half-smile as he reached over and handed Remus his cigarette. The puncture ripped open at the sight of Sirius’ trembling fingers. He accepted. 

“Why’re you out here?” Remus asked, the cigarette between his lips.

“Dunno... James hates it when I smoke inside.” 

Remus nodded. “It’s a filthy habit, we should quit.” He took a drag. 

Sirius hummed in agreement, shivered, and pulled his jacket tighter around himself. His teeth chattered and Remus shot him an ‘I told you so’ look. 

“Sure you’re not too cold?”

“P-p-piss off-f.” 

“I don’t want you to catch a cold.” 

“I’m f-f-fine.” 

Sirius reached out for his cigarette back and Remus handed it over. Remus watched as he took slow, desperate-looking drags. After a while, it went out and Sirius dropped it and it fell to join the mass of cigarette butts collecting around him. He could’ve made a small army out of them if he wanted. Sirius pulled another pack out of his jacket pocket, but it was empty and he dropped it as well. 

With nothing to distract him, Sirius met Remus’ eyes and let out a breathy laugh, shaking his head and gesturing wildly. “This is quite sad, isn’t it? I’m rather pathetic.”

Remus shrugged. “Just a little. Depends on what we’re even doing out here.” 

Sirius contemplated answering. Remus could tell. Looking down into his lap and hunched over, mouth slightly open as if, on the inside, he was preparing himself to say whatever was bothering him. “I got a letter from home.” He finally whispered, shrugging. “Wanted to clear my head a little.” 

At the thought of it, Remus’ stomach plummeted. He wrapped his arms around Sirius’ shoulders and pulled him tightly into his side. Sirius didn’t object. He laid his head against Remus’ shoulder. 

“Nothing I haven’t heard before. Still makes me feel like shit, however. So I like to clear my head so the messages don’t start to, y’know, sink in.” 

Remus was never good around crying people. He never knew what he was supposed to do or what to say. So, as Sirius shook with silent sobs, he held onto him even tighter, moving his arm from Sirius’ shoulder to his waist to side-hug him properly. 

“Nothing those people say about you is true, Love. None of it.”

Sirius sniffed. “I know. Still bloody hurts.” He buried his face into Remus’ chest as the crying overcame him.

There was a brief silence, filled only with Sirius’ sniffing.

“You were right, Moony,” Sirius said after he’d calmed down. 

“About what?”

“I’m not fine... at all, actually.” 

Remus could say, wholeheartedly, that after that moment he knew exactly what it felt like when your heart broke. The itch in the back of your throat when you were about to cry coated his entire body like his heart was screaming with sobs. It was horrible; one of the worst feelings he’d ever experienced. And, looking down at Sirius, bunched up and clinging onto him, his heart screamed louder and he squeezed him tighter.

Remus kissed the top of Sirius’ head. “People usually aren’t, are they?”


	24. It's Christmas and They're Horny

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> *NOT SMUT I COULD NEVER* it's festive, i swear! also this is very all over the place. soz

It was the Christmas holidays and Remus and Sirius were the only Gryffindors who were staying at school. Sirius obviously wasn’t going home, and he didn’t want to intrude on James and his parents, and Remus had stayed with him. They had two weeks alone. Two brilliant weeks to snog in the common room whenever they wanted, to snog in the dorms without making a scene over not getting caught. An elephant-sized weight lifted off both boy’s shoulders. They weren’t wasting a single second.

One afternoon, they were in the dorms cuddled on Remus’ bed. Remus had been reading but, his book had long since been discarded. In his hands, instead, was Sirius. The gentle kissing was rapidly heating up. Sirius leapt on Remus when things started getting steamy (Remus had to catch him so he didn’t fall right on top of him). Sirius couldn’t help but grin when he felt the smile of Remus’ lips against his own but, that grin soon turned into a smirk when Remus’ hands crept lower and lower on his hips.

“I want to do it. Right now,” Sirius begged. He worked on undoing the buttons of Remus’ shirt before snogging distracted him, and his hands returned to Remus’ face.

“R-right now? You sure?”

 _“Yes._ I’ve never been so sure of something in my life.” Words tumbled out of Sirius’ mouth as soon as they popped into his mind. His judgement clouded by lust; his unfiltered wanting.

“Have you done it before?”

“I’m not a virgin.”

“With another bloke, I mean.” Remus tried to pull away but, Sirius wasn’t letting him.

 _“Doesn’t matter.”_ He kissed him fiercely, still.

“Yes, it does.”

“I don’t care. C’mon, Moony, let’s just do this.”

“Sirius, I think we should talk about this,” He gasped as Sirius’ lips found his neck. “You don’t know what you’re doing, what you want -“

“I want _you_ ,” Sirius growled.

“So, talk to me!”

 _“Ugh.”_ Sirius rolled off him, breathless but sulking. “Way to kill the mood, Moony.”

A tense silence passed as Sirius folded his arms on his side. He could feel Remus’ presence behind him. Then Remus scoffed.

_“What?”_

_“‘What?’_ You’re what. I think you might be - no, you _are_ \- single-handedly, the most childish, immature, _frustrating_ person I have ever met, yet you’re so adamant on shagging! When will you grow the _fuck_ up and release that the world _doesn’t_ revolve around you?”

Sirius hadn’t expected that. His face fell, and he didn’t know how to respond. There was a pang somewhere in his chest; a crushing sensation overcame his heart.

Remus scoffed again. “You get on my fucking nerves.” He crawled to the end of the bed and stood up. His socks made a soft thud against the wooden floor. He stood, waiting for something but, Sirius only sank deeper into his pillow. “Stop sulking, for Merlin’s sake.”

Sirius heard the thudding of Remus’ footsteps fade and come back again. “Don’t follow me. Unless you’re ready to have an ‘adult’ conversation with me. God. And you’re supposed to be the eldest of the two of us. Fuck off.”

And with that, Remus was gone.

Sirius hadn’t moved since he started shouting. Eventually, he sat up, a blank, slightly stunned look on his face. He hadn’t done that much thinking in a long time. He spent a boringly long amount of time reflecting; had he really been _that_ much of a child? _Yes_ , his gut told him. _Yes, you were._ His brow knitted into a tighter frown.

He hadn’t even realised up until that point that all the girls he slept with never asked him what he wanted. A knot of guilt tightened in his stomach when he realised he never asked them what they wanted either. He hadn’t asked _Moony_ what he wanted or what he thought or what he was comfortable with. It hadn’t even crossed his mind, for Merlin’s sake!

“Merlin, I’m a selfish prick...” He huffed, hanging his face in his hands.

Sirius stood but made it as far as the door frame before dread overcame him. It was like he just grew up and was looking back on his stupid teenage years, but the embarrassment was only mere moments ago. He made his way down the stairs.

“Remus?” He called out sheepishly when he made it to the common room. When there was no reply, Sirius was disheartened. The room was empty. Silent. Sirius thought the Christmas decorations couldn’t have been more out of place; he didn’t feel all that merry. Though, he couldn’t deny that the stockings above the fireplace, elaborate Christmas tree decorated with Gryffindor colours and yards of tinsel put a small smile on his face. However, there was no trace of Remus so, Sirius walked to the portrait to go out and look for him.

“Where’re you going?”

Sirius jumped and whipped around, exhaling when he saw Remus lying on the sofa. Sirius hadn’t noticed him before. The plush cushions concealed him.

“I was going to look for you.”

“Found me. Now what?” Remus sounded bored, and his cheek was mushed against the arm of the sofa.

Sirius looked at his feet, shuffling on the spot. He started fiddling with his fingers and felt more ashamed than he ever had in his life.

“I - I wanted to talk...”

“Really? Why the change of heart?”

“I’m sorry, alright!” He snapped. “I wasn’t thinking - about how you felt or what you wanted or - or anything except... y’know, shagging. I should’ve stopped when you said you wanted to talk. I’m really sorry, so stop patronising me...”

Sirius kept his eyes on the floor as he waited for Remus’ reply. He couldn’t tell if it was because of the heat of the fire or his embarrassment, but his entire body was slowly coated with uncomfortable hotness. He pulled at the collar of his top and wiped his sweaty palms on his trousers.

“You’re forgiven. Just because you’re very pretty when you’re pouty and regretful.”

“I’m not pretty...”

“Sure, you’re not... c’mere, you.” Remus opened his arms for Sirius to crawl into. He obliged, relieved, and snuggled into Remus’ chest.

“‘M really sorry, Moony.”

Remus kissed the top of his head.

~

Christmas day came quickly. Sirius woke up, tangled up with his _boyfriend_ , and grinned. He then lifted his head just enough to where he could see the pile of presents at the end of the bed.

“Moony... wake up.” He prodded Remus in the side. “It’s Christmas!”

Remus grunted, though he opened his eyes and smiled too. Sirius loved mornings like that. “I know it is.”

Sirius giggled. “Presents, Moony! And, we can go ice skating and build a snowman and kiss under the mistletoe.”

Remus reached and tucked a strand of hair behind Sirius’ ear, planting a kiss on his forehead. “I didn’t realise you liked Christmas so much.”

“I do! Of course, I do, who doesn’t like Christmas? Besides, with you, it’s _perfect_.”

They opened their presents, during which Sirius forced Remus to wear a Christmas jumper with him, raided their stocking down in the common room (Remus now had so much gifted chocolate he didn’t know what to do with it all) and, on their way to the frozen-over Black Lake, were trapped at the portrait hole under a sprig of mistletoe (which Sirius had planted there late Christmas Eve). And, instead of breakfast, they went out ice skating, snowman making and snowball fighting. They were exhausted by the end of it all, and so cold that both their noses were bright, Rudolph red.

It _was_ perfect. Sirius couldn’t keep the grin off his face and had to stop himself from snogging the other boy all day long. But then, evening came and after Christmas dinner, they had the common room to themselves again. 

“Merlin, that was delicious.” Sirius belched. “I could eat Hogwarts’ Christmas dinner every day for the rest of my bloody life.”

Remus took off his paper crown and plopped down on the sofa. “God, yeah. The others are truly missing out.”

Sirius shrugged, sitting on the floor and resting his chin on Remus’ knees. “Maybe. But, I’m glad they’re not here. It’s so quiet. And, I love our alone time.”

Remus raised an eyebrow, smirking. “Oh? Do you now?”

Sirius started tracing circles into Remus’ knee. “‘Course, babe.” He got on his knees to give Remus a kiss on his (now very red) cheek. He giggled at Remus’ blushing face. “Happy Christmas, Moony.”

Remus reached out and cupped Sirius’ face, pulling him in for a sweet kiss. And when they broke apart, he was grinning from ear to ear.

“Happy Christmas, Pads.” 


	25. no more secrets, dora

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this one's a bit different, from tonk's pov with a sprinkling of remudora (don't worry, still wolfstar) so let me know what you think x

She knew she shouldn’t have been snooping, but she told herself that she was just tidying the house. In fairness, she was, but then found something Remus was obviously trying to keep hidden.

Tonks crouched before a cardboard box, bound shut by some neatly knotted string. She was in her childhood bedroom, and Remus was staying at the house with her and her mother, hence why she’d found this mysterious box concealed under her bed with Remus’ name written on the side. Curiosity to know what Remus could’ve wanted to hide was eating at her, but then so was the impending guilt of looking through Remus’ things. But she made a decision and began untying the string as carefully as possible. Casting it aside, Tonks lifted the flaps of the box and peered down at its contents.

At the very top, a square book with a worn-down cover fit the box perfectly. Tonks lifted it out and was met with a cloud of dust, which she blew and dusted off. Turning it over in her hands, it didn’t look like anything special, so she opened it, expecting a mind-numbing encyclopaedia or whatever Remus enjoyed reading. However, it was far from that.

The first page had a _‘This book belongs to’_ stamp, which Remus left blank, but the blank space around it had been doodled on and scribbled over. She recognised the doodled names as Remus’ school friends, of course, along with the Potters, Sirius Black, and Pettigrew.

Tonks then turned another page to find it was a photo album. The entire box was full of them. And, as she began turning pages, Tonks found she couldn’t help but smile. _Why on earth would Remus want to hide these?_ She thought. _They’re brilliant!_

All the photos seemed to have some kind of meaning behind them; like they were all taken at the perfect moment where you’d only understand if you’d been there. Some, Tonks couldn’t pinpoint what she was even looking at, though others were sweet, blissful moments of their everyday lives. Studying, parties, adventures, shows by both muggle and magical pictures.

Without realising, she’d began scanning each page for Remus. Just to see his face happy and carefree(and he was _very_ handsome in his youth, so she couldn’t help but stare) _._ It was worryingly strange that she’d never seen him like that. So much so, that it was like she was looking at pictures of a different man. And, as she turned more pages, she began realising that she hardly knew what Remus’ school days had been like. Or any of his life that didn’t correlate to war. 

Tonks finished flipping through the first one and placed it beside her, reaching back into the box for the next. She opened it, and again it had a _‘This book belongs to’_ page, but written under this one was, _‘Moony and Padfoot.’_ At first, she smiled it off and thought nothing of it. But even by the first page, this book was different. A stone dropped in Tonks’ stomach. It was like she’d walked in on something she definitely wasn’t meant to see, but she couldn’t look away.

They started innocent enough; there were only photos of both Remus and Sirius. Some were party aftermaths, some, where they both looked like runway models (Merlin, Remus was so handsome), and some, where they were both drunk out of their minds, gripping onto each other for dear life, so tightly that there was no gap between their bodies. 

That was all there was to it; they were drunk and holding each other up. What else could there be to it? Remus and Sirius... no. They couldn’t be.

Others looked like they’d been sneaked up on and surprised. Others were sweet and innocent, but then, she stumbled across the first one that was unexplainable, and fiery hotness crept up her cheeks. She couldn’t rationalise, nor explain it. 

It was magical, which only made it hurt more. And it looped itself, over and over. She couldn’t tell where they were, didn’t care, only felt seething bitterness towards Remus’ beaming face as he pulled back from snogging Sirius Black. They kissed, pulled away and then grinned and laughed at the camera before it repeated, over and over. Laughing at her, like it was saying _Remus was happier then. He was happier with him. He wants him._

How could he not tell her? That wasn’t just anyone, that was Sirius bloody Black! Her mother’s cousin, for Merlins’ sake! Was that all Remus saw in her? A _replacement_ for him? Related enough that he could see Sirius in her, like some sick fantasy! Did he _ever_ even truly love her? 

She snapped out of her thoughts when a tear splashed on the photo. Realising that she’d been crying rather heavily, she sniffed and wiped her nose and eyes with her sleeves and they became extremely soiled.

There was a knock at the door, but the person didn’t wait for an answer before entering.

“Dora? What’re you doing?” It was Remus. Her gut clenched, and she forced herself to stop crying, so fiercely that she couldn’t speak without bursting into tears. The album was flat open on her knees, but she let it slip off as she doubled over, head in her hands. 

Floorboards creaked under Remus’ feet before he knelt beside her. Tonks wiped her eyes one last time before sitting up. Her eyes met Remus with the album in his hands, looking down at it with an untraceable emotion before he looked up, and their eyes met. Merlin, it was painful. 

“Why didn’t you tell me?” She could barely speak through the lump in her throat.

Remus shut the album. “I - I didn’t think it mattered -“

 _“Didn’t think it mattered?_ He’s my cousin, Remus! He’s a man! That matters!”

Remus was acting like a child getting a nasty telling off. He dropped his gaze guiltily and kept quiet. 

_“How much don’t I know about you, eh? How many things - secrets - haven’t you told me?”_

Remus, still, said nothing. Tonks had to stop herself screening at him because the solemn look on his face made Tonks think he was, at least, sorry. He picked at his fingernails until they bled and hung his head in his hands, gripping at his greying hair. A heavy silence passed before he sighed and began mumbling into his lap.

“He... he was my first everything, as shallow as that sounds... things were always different with Sirius. He... worried about me a little more than either James or Peter, or even Lily ever did.” He straightened back up and opened the album back up to the page Tonks had stumbled upon, sighing. “That evening was a party, it was our sixth year, give or take, we were very drunk if you couldn’t tell.” He chuckled feebly. “I was never too fond of all the photos but he loved them... It’s hard to think about nowadays after he... after he died.”

Remus slowly lifted his gaze and met Tonks’ eyes. “I’ve always had too many secrets,” he continued. “Ask me anything you want, and I’ll answer to the best of my ability.”

Tonks said the only thing really on her mind. “Are you... are you gay?” Which really meant, _did you even love me?_

“I thought I was, but now I’m too old to care about labels. Queer feels good and bi feels good... but I don’t mind either.”

Tonks nodded slowly, though she didn’t fully understand. But she didn’t want to make Remus uncomfortable to she placed a comforting hand on his knee and nodded.

“And you and - and _Sirius_ were...”

“Boyfriends. For about seven years, if you don’t count the time he spent in Azkaban.” 

“Boyfriends.” She repeated, as if hearing it again would make it any less peculiar.

They engaged in a short back and forth, where Tonks asked questions that popped into her mind. As time went on, the thought of the two men being boyfriends became less and less shocking, and Remus slowly started opening up about all the different photos in both the albums Tonks had flipped through.

Remus explained the sweet, blissful moments, the moments Tonks couldn’t figure out, the secrets, the parties, the snapshots of their everyday lives, their adventures. Remus’ face lit up as he recounted them. Not just the photos with Sirius, but with all of his school friends. She never realised how close he was with Marlene McKinnon, and his smile was unbelievably wide whenever he talked about either of the Potters. He was so handsome when he smiled, and even more so when Tonks knew it was real, and not the fake ones he defaulted to, and it filled her with a glorious feeling. She watched him flipping through the albums happily, knowing that those moments were real.

“All this,” Tonks began, “all your friends, seem wonderful.”

“They were!” Remus looked up from the album, beaming. “They were the best people I’ve ever known! It’s a shame you never really met any of them. You would’ve got on well with Lily, I think.”

Tonks smiled and nodded. “You looked happy.”

“I was... You’re not angry anymore? I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you much before, I didn’t know how to bring it up or how you’d react -“

“Remus, it’s fine. You’re forgiven, alright? Just, no more secrets?” She reached out her hand. Remus accepted and interlocked their fingers. 

“No more secrets, Dora.” He gave her hand a squeeze. “I promise.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so what did you think? i think different povs and eras are interesting to play around with, but maybe its not as fun to read? idk so let me know!


	26. *the* prank

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> angsty w/ a happy ending. the pov's go sirius, lily, sirius, remus. enjoy x

Sirius always cried. He was just very good at hiding it. He would sob silently at night, and bawl his eyes out in the bathroom, and the others never suspected a thing. James couldn’t see that he was weak, so even if they were up late at night talking, Sirius could never let himself cry. Boys weren’t meant to cry, yet he was so used to it.

But none of that mattered thatnight. Sirius was shaking with violent sobs outside the hospital wing, head in his hands, ripping out his own hair. He tried to scream, but no sound came out; rubbing his throat raw. Huddled on the floor, he was a crying wreck, after _he_ told Snape about the Willow. He was the one in tears, but he’d ruined _Remus_ ‘ life, not his own. He was ready to make Remus into a murderer, and for what? A stupid prank? Vengeance?

Sirius was lying on the floor for so long that the concrete under his cheeks was sweaty and warm and wet from the tears. He wasn’t registering much, but then the door to the wing creaked open. It was James. Sirius sat up, but there was no need. James yelled at him with such malice in his voice that Sirius only cried harder. He was so worked up that James’ words strung together and Sirius couldn’t even make out what he said. He got the gist, however, and knew he deserved every word.

One sentence he heard snapped him out of his sobs. _“Why’re you the one crying, eh? Were you nearly fucking killed? Were you betrayed?”_

Sirius looked up at him, and he tried to speak, but his lips tremored and snot dribbled down his face and the words were stuck. Then he noticed, through the bleariness of his tears, the bandage on James’ forearm and his chest tightened. He swallowed to stop more tears, coughing up phlegm and spit.

James scoffed and turned to walk away.

_“J-James! James, I’m s-sorry!”_

James turned and shouted, _“I’m not the one you should fucking apologise to,”_ before he disappeared down the dark corridor.

Sirius couldn’t face Remus. Just the thought of it made him queasy. James being angry at him was punishment enough. So he got to his feet, rather shakily, and trudged back to the common room (slowly as to not bump into James). It was almost dawn, so Sirius didn’t dare go up to the dorms. He didn’t want Pete’s rage as well. He stuttered the password to the Fat Lady before curling up on the sofa that faced the fire, letting his breathing steady.

Sleep didn’t come easily. Sirius felt guilty for even trying to close his eyes and dose off. He was still crying, but the sobs had turned to feeble sniffles. It was a lot calmer, and after what felt like hours, he was asleep.

~

Whenever Remus was ill, Lily thought that, as a friend, the least she could do was take notes for him. So she’d get up early to go to the library and make any catch-up things she thought Remus might need.

One morning, however, she was delayed. She made it as far as the common room, book bag over her shoulder, before she stopped, carefully making her way to the sofa where Sirius Black was asleep. And, by God, did he look terrible. Tear streaks ran down his cheeks and, even though they were closed, she could tell his eyes were extremely swollen with dark rings around them. He was still in his uniform, which was rumpled, and what Lily assumed was sick and mud covered his shirt.

“Sirius?” She shook his shoulder. “Sirius, what’re you doing down here?”

He jumped, swatting away her hand, and Lily took a step back. Her bag fell to the floor. When Sirius realised it was her, he almost looked relieved. And, as she’d suspected, his eyes were bloodshot.

“Morning, Evans.” He even sounded terrible. Like he spent all night screaming until his voice was hoarse.

“Morning. Did - did you sleep down here?”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

Sirius said nothing, so Lily took that as her cue to leave and started walking to the portrait hole before, “I didn’t want to go upstairs.”

“Why not? Did you and Potter have a fight?”

She must’ve said something wrong because Sirius suddenly curled up on himself, quite pathetically she had to admit, and started crying.

“God.” Lily rushed back to Sirius and kneeled in front of him, panicked. “What happened?”

Sirius turned away from her, so he faced the back of the sofa. “Like you care. P-piss off, Evans.”

“Should - should I get James?”

 _“No!_ Why would you do that, you stupid girl?”

Lily scowled. “’Cause he’s your best mate, that’s why! If you’re going to be such an arse, pretend I didn’t ask, and I’ll pretend you’re not crying like a baby.”

Lily shook her head and slung her bag back over her shoulder. Boys weren’t worth it, she knew that, so why she still bothered with them would remain a mystery. Her mood significantly dampened, she got up to head out of the room. But was once again stopped.

“I - I t-think Moony’ll h-have to leave school. And - and it’s my fault.”

“What?”

“I told... S-Snape h-his secret. He’s g-going to t-tell everyone. Even if he d-doesn’t... Moony’s not going to ever t-trust me again.”

“Sev won’t tell-“

“Maybe not if it was you. He’ll be d-delighted to tell anyone he c-can about this and get Remus expelled as f-fast as he can.”

“Sirius -“

“I ruined everything.”

“Well, yes, you have,” She was standing behind the sofa, but Sirius was facing the fire again, “but, all wounds heal with time, don’t they? Remus will come around eventually, even if it takes weeks or maybe even months. And you still have Potter and Pettigrew, don’t you?”

Sirius shook his head. “They hate me too.”

“Well... erm... you’ve got me. Alright?”

“Cheers, Lily. But, I’d rather be alone. Think I deserve it, and I defiantly don’t deserve you.”

“Oh, OK. If you change your mind, you know where to find me?”

Sirius turned and looked up at her, eyes glossy. He attempted a smile, which Lily returned. “Yeah.”

And with that, Lily finally left the common room. There was a pit in her belly which she couldn’t explain, and she thought that maybe, in fact, she had a soft spot for the stupid git.

~

Sirius couldn’t get back to sleep after Lily left him. He should’ve gone upstairs to change into some clean clothes, but he couldn’t bring himself to. It might have been hours he spent on the sofa, watching the fire crackle and pop. Time drifted by, but Sirius barely noticed, until the portrait hole creaked open. He looked up, assuming Lily was back from the library, but his heart sped up when he saw Remus standing there.

At the sight of him, Sirius’ heart stopped. He looked awful. Not just because of the bandages or his fresh scars. Remus’ face was tired, and he was hunched terribly. His eyes were red and puffy, and his cheeks were glossy from tears. The look in his eyes when Remus noticed him laying there was like a steak to the heart. He scowled and scoffed, before hobbling to the stairs up to their dorm.

Sirius scrambled to sit up. He wiped his cheeks and opened his mouth, but he didn’t know what to say. Remus wouldn’t forgive him! If James couldn’t, why would Remus listen to a single thing he said?

But he forced himself to say something when he couldn’t stand Remus limping anymore. “Moony?”

Remus had his back to him and he tensed. He was silent for longer than Sirius liked, but at least he hadn’t walked away.

“I-I’m _so_ sorry, Remus... I don’t know what came over me! I - I thought it would be funny -“

 _“Funny?_ What the hell is wrong with you?”

“No, it wasn’t funny, I-I didn’t mean to - I didn’t - I’m _sorry_ -“

“What’s sorry meant to do, Sirius?” He turned around, which looked like it caused him immense pain. “You can’t say you’re sorry and expect me to act like nothing’s happened! I can barely fucking look at you without -” He stopped and groaned, head in his hands.

“I didn’t want this to happen...” Sirius’ voice was barely audible.

Remus said nothing. When he let his head go, he was crying. He let his arms drop to his side and grabbed the back of an armchair to lean against like his legs were about to buckle. Sirus wanted to stand and let Remus lean against him, but the werewolf could barely look him in the eyes, so Sirius stayed put.

“How could you? _I could’ve killed him. I could’ve killed James!”_

Sirius couldn’t answer.

“I trusted you, Sirius... _How could you?”_

Remus didn’t sound angry anymore, which was even more frightening than James’ anger. He was too calm, and Sirius wondered if this was the quiet before the storm. He glared right into Sirius’ eyes as Sirius’ mouth hung open, stupidly. After a long silence, Remus turned back around.

_“R-Remus! Please - I didn’t mean to!”_

Remus went upstairs as if Sirius hadn’t even spoken, and Sirius watched him go longingly, before lying back down on the sofa. He definitely wasn’t going up to the dorms now. After a while, he found the sofa cushion under his face was now wet with tears, and he couldn’t stop them coming.

~

Remus was excellent at keeping grudges. He got it from his father (who had an unwavering grudge against him) and usually used them as excuses to keep on hating someone. With Sirius, it was different (shocker) because he was always there, and Remus thought that if he saw any more of him he’d either attack the other boy or forgive him out of pity. It was easy to keep a grudge against Sirius, however, because he made it easy. He got the message, stopped trying to apologise and let Remus hate him in peace.

A week after the prank, days would pass in which Remus wouldn’t even hear Sirius’ voice. Like he’d disappeared. Neither James nor Peter were talking to him (out of fear that Remus would be angry with them, he suspected, because they both sent him longing looks) and he’d given up on class participation entirely, so much so that he’d been sent out of many lessons already. His silence made Remus miss the other boy (which Remus tried to ignore) and made lessons significantly duller.

Then, Remus would think that he should just accept Sirius’ apologies and move on. But he didn’t. Because whenever he passed Snape in the halls, he was terrified. Terrified that he was going to do something, tell someone, or flat out attack him and he was reminded that it was all Sirius’ fault.

After a while, it was hard to hate Sirius, because he started apologising again, weeks later. Remus had assured James and Peter that they were allowed to speak to him, so they did, and slowly things returned to a distorted version of normal. In which Remus ignored Sirius’ existence and feeble attempts at apologising entirely and the others pretended like everything was fine. Things hadn’t been fine for about a month. Remus was terrible at hiding his frustration and anger towards Sirius, which put James, Peter, and even Lily in an uncomfortable no-man's-land.

One evening, Remus was in a snappy mood. So it was a poor decision on James’ part to choose that day to try to convince him to forgive Sirius. They were in the dorm, just the two of them, and James was nervously fidgeting.

“Hasn’t this gone on long enough?” James asked. “Sirius really thinks you’re going to hate him forever. Hasn’t he learnt his lesson?”

Remus shrugged. “Maybe. He never thinks of the consequences.”

“He’s off the quidditch team, has detention for the rest of the year, and you won’t so much as look at him anymore. Isn’t that punishment enough?”

“I don’t know, James. I just - I can’t forgive him.”

“But -“

“Because of Sirius, I don’t know if one day I’m going to wake up and be bombarded by letters from parents demanding that I’m chucked out of school. I don’t know if one day everyone will know and will want to kill me. That’s why I can’t forgive him! I’m terrified, James, and it’s his fault.”

“Dumbledore made Snape promise he wouldn’t tell anyone,” James said in a quiet voice. “He’ll be expelled if he does.”

Remus nodded shortly. He knew that.

“Just... he really misses you. You must miss him too.”

Of course he did! Sirius was infectious. He rubbed off on people (whether that be in a good or bad way) and Remus found Sirius was one of the few things that made him happy, and recently he’d been miserable. Sirius was everything to him, which is why _all this_ hurt more than Remus could admit.

Remus sighed. “‘Course I bloody do.”

James’ words knocked around Remus’ head almost non-stop, though he didn’t approach Sirius until over a week later. It was late, and James and Peter were both asleep. Remus knew Sirius wasn’t sleeping well, as he would often sit out on the balcony at night. Some mornings, they’d wake up to Sirius out on the balcony, like he had sat out there all night. It was one of those nights, and Remus was lying on his side, watching Sirius through the slight gap of his bed curtains.

It wasn’t cold at all, though Remus still didn’t like him sitting out there in just his pyjamas. Minutes ticked by, with Remus wanting to get up and just talk to him, but it wasn’t that easy. It was like he was glued to his bed sheets, or stuck in hard cement. And, as much as his mind wanted to, his body couldn’t follow suit.

Until he bullied himself into sitting up and swung his legs off the side of his bed.

Sirius, upon hearing the soft thud, whipped around. His eyes were wide and his shoulders tensed, and Remus didn’t know what to do.

“Hi,” he said.

Sirius looked dumbfounded. He took a moment to compose himself, like he’d forgotten how to talk before, “H-hi.”

“What’re you doing?”

Sirius couldn’t answer for a moment. Remus thought he was upset, but then he started grinning manically like he couldn’t believe what was happening.

“Nothing. Just - just sitting. Why’re you talking to me?”

Remus shrugged, trying not to smile at the sound of Sirius’ voice. “Miss you. A lot, actually.”

“I miss you too.”

“I know, James told me.”

Sirius’ grin faded, as his eyes began nervously darting around the room. “Remus...” He paused and met Remus’ eyes, and there was a pang in Remus’ chest as he did so. “I don’t deserve to be forgiven but, I want you to know that this is the sorriest, guiltiest, and most regretful I have ever felt in my life... I’m so, so sorry.”

Remus nodded. He stood and walked over to him. “I forgive you. Really, I forgave you ages ago. D’you - erm - want a hug?”

Sirius let out a heavy sigh and smiled, scrambling to his feet to throw his arms around Remus. It was the tightest, longest hug Remus had ever been given. Sirius was a squeezer, and Remus began rubbing circles into Sirius’ back when he noticed his shoulder was slightly damp.

“Why’re you crying, Pads?”

“I t-thought you’d n-never forgive me... I thought you h-hated me...”

Remus hugged him a little tighter. “I don’t hate you. I could never hate you.”

Sirius only cried harder, becoming somewhat of a shaking mess, and he held onto him like it was the last hug they would ever share. It lasted a few minutes, until Sirius pulled away, with an even wider grin on his face, and Remus couldn’t help but grin back.

And then, without any warning, Sirius kissed him, full on the mouth. Remus had no time to close his eyes or to enjoy or comprehend what Sirius had done because as quickly as he’d done it, Sirius pulled away, a terrified look on his face.

“Sorry! I - I shouldn’t have done that.”

Remus didn’t let him say anything else, the adrenaline of it all made him not think twice as he grabbed Sirius’ face and kissed him again. For a moment he panicked, but then Sirius was kissing him back and he thought he was about to have a heart attack, it was beating so furiously. Sirius tasted slightly salty, and Remus pressed into his lips to taste him more. Before either of them knew it, they were snogging, and Remus gasped when he felt Sirius’ sweaty hands low on his waist. Sirius smirked against his lips and Remus had to smirk back at the warmth of Sirius’ fingers running across his skin.

It was slow, and it was long, and it was amazing.

Sirius pulled away first, and as soon as he did, Remus leaned back in, hungrily, to kiss him again, but Sirius stopped him by whispering, “Merlin, I really fancy you.”

Remus opened his eyes, first glancing at Sirius puffed-up lips before he looked into his eyes. “I really fancy you too.”

Sirius smiled. “Good. ‘Cause, it’d be very awkward if you didn’t.”

Remus grinned and kissed him again like the last month hadn’t even happened. And, somehow, things became a _better_ version of normal.


End file.
